Prague/Vienna/Berlin

So a little recap on my lovely trip to eastern europe:

• Prague has totally stolen the spot that Paris once held - the most beautiful city I have ever visited. I fell in LOVE with the architecture, the skyline, the christmas markets, the people, the beer, and the international food. I enjoyed every second in prague and did some serious christmas shopping while there.
• Indian food on Thanksgiving day was an interesting treat. Sad to say it was my first time ever having it and I think I am in love! We also had Thai food, latin food, and austrian food, all of which you cannot get in Sicily.
• Vienna as beautiful, but a little modern and industrial for my liking. It was cold as balls there too, and that made it harder to love. They did have beautiful christmas markets though and I spent some serious dough there too.
• The incubus concert that the entire trip was planned around (in Vienna) was cancelled on the day of. Of course....I didn't know this, so we showed up pumped for a good show, and there was tiny 8x11 piece of paper on the door saying it was cancelled, due to laryngitis. I was upset, but we tried not to let it ruin our trip.
• I hit three countries in 6 days with one of the best travel buddies ever. My friend Sara and I laughed through the entire trip. It was so much fun!

I got some good news....finally!

There has been a little flurry of activity in the old trying to have a baby department today. I planned out my very first IUI and got a prescription for birth control pills and letrozole. As it stands I'll be home on house hunting leave visiting my hubby Jan 27-Feb5th. Besides picking out our first house we will also be doing an IUI. I remain unconvinced that this will work, but my hubs thinks we should give it a couple tries before we move to IVF. It feels pretty amazing to get off the bench and out of this standstill we've been in since May. I'm so excited to try something new and get a glimmer of hope back. This brings us one step closer to having a family one way or another and it's just another check in the box on this crazy long journey.

I had a lovely thanksgiving in Vienna, Prague, and Berlin. A great friend of mine and I had a whirlwind trip of 3 countries in 6 days but it was one of the best trips I've ever been on. I haven't laughed that hard in years, she is one funny gal. Prague was my favorite, so unique and so beautiful. I'll post pictures soon.

A rough week.

This week has sucked! I'm so happy it ended on a good note though. It began with an accidental pregnancy announcement, which I guessed was the person's secret....jokingly. Kind of like:

Her: " I have to tell our boss a little secret?"

Me: "Let me guess, you're pregnant? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (I laughed like an idiot because she's young, not married, and has known her strange Italian boyfriend for like 2 months).

Her: "Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, I'm only 7 and a half weeks."

I wanted to die. I wanted god to strike me with lightening and melt me to the floor. I was embarrassed that I laughed and then I was just plain angry. I pulled myself together congratulated her and went on with my day. By the time I went home, I was in tears. I just keep thinking why does this happen for everyone but me. I feel like I've done something in this life or a past life to deserve this. This type of punishment doesn't just happen, it's earned. And I am suffering. I feel so much like I let everyone down. Myself, Sam, my mom, his parents. And I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, but I do. I ask myself why me? over and over again all day everyday. Why is this happening to me? I hope to figure out the answer to that question some day.

On a good note, I found out that I was finally able to switch my MSN major to midwifery. It's been a decision I was struggling with and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do it. I got my acceptance letter yesterday. It's a huge deal for me. I may not be able to have babies of my own, but I will be able to help other women bring their babies into the world. I leave for Prague and Vienna on Tuesday. I cannot wait! 4 months until I leave sicily :) I'm beyond ready to go.

This hurts.

So I have my period....no miracle pregnancy for Sam and I (are you really surprised though?). I'm highly emotional because of this stupid period, not to mention having left my husband last week for an undetermined amount of months and being alone in foreign country, so I may be a bit sensitive. My sister in law (also one of my best friends) posted the most annoying thing on face.book today. I know it isn't about me but it just really irked me. And I quote " Last year at this time I was getting ready to give birth to C....All I want for Christmas this year is another 6 week vacation without the whole pregnancy, labor, and screaming newborn thing." Now, mind you, this is her second child, her second child that she had to get out of being deployed. She got pregnant the second she took her IUD out and she successfully avoided her deployment. It isn't fair. I know life is not fair but come on! I would literally give my left arm to have a pregnancy, or a labor, or a screaming newborn. I would give anything to make my husband a father. It is something we fear we may never experience. It just hurts so much to hear other people taking it for granted.

I'm so down. I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm worried. I just feel so hopeless about ever having a family. I just wonder why this has to be so hard for us. There has to be a reason. I'm not mad at my friend but it makes me realize that she doesn't get it. She'll never get it. I'm pretty much alone in this fight.

Back to just me

I'm back in Italy trying to finish up the last 5 month stretch. I had a rough week transition. I wasn't jet lagged. I wasn't tired. I wasn't trying to catch up. I was depressed. I still kind of am. It was so hard leaving Sam again. I didn't sleep in our bed for awhile because it was just too sad for me to be in there alone after spending 13 nights together again. I almost wish I hadn't gone home because I the pain of being apart again is much worse now than it was when he first left. All this time apart has taught me two important things 1) I am never doing this again (unless it is for a deployment) and 2) He means so much more to me than I ever thought. You don't realize how much you want or need someone in your life until they are taken away from you. I just want to be with him, he doesn't have to talk or even look at me.....I just want to sit next to him and hold his hand for another 10 minutes :(

I'm starting to feel a little better today. I finally slept well the last two nights and am getting out and doing stuff with other people again. I don't want to turn into a depressed hermit! I have to keep busy. And although I was hopeful on some level that I would be pregnant after our little visit, I started spotting today which means my period will be here again soon. I thought I had the right to be hopeful between the fertility rock, the letrozole, all the sex we had, and the poor timing it would be if I actually did get pregnant (since Sam wouldn't be around for most of it). But alas no....I have to stop even thinking that we could ever get pregnant on our own. These little shreds of hope send me into despair when I get my stupid period. I can't do anything. I feel so stuck in this childless abyss. Everyone continues to get pregnant, and then get pregnant again, and have beautiful talented children and I'm just stuck. Sigh.....

Home Sweet Home

I'm home. I'm 30. I'm happy. I have my fertility "rock" in my pocket. I've eaten out in American restaurants for every meal since I arrived. I'm in heaven.
I had such a long flight on Tuesday but it was so great to see my husband coming up the escalator with my suitcase at the airport. It's been 9 weeks since we last saw each other and it was a little strange. I had been building up this visit since he left and when we saw each other it was not as I had expected. We slowly fell back into our comfortable love and I'm so thankful that we are still us. I missed having someone to cuddle with, kiss, talk to, and take care of. Being alone is for the birds!
My 30th was extremely low key, which was fine with me. I got to see my best friend Naomi and her beautiful 23 week belly. It was a little hard, but honestly I'm so happy for her it's hard to feel anything but excitement for her and her husband. Sam and I spent yesterday buying a new mattress, scouting neighborhoods for our future house, and getting a new driver's license. Overall a really great day. I don't feel 30. I guess that's all that matters, right?

Weird Feelings

So I started this support group for all of my patients that have lost babies.....I know, I'm crazy. But I feel like my supporting them somehow keeps me going. I have something to offer them because I want a child too. I don't dare to think that I know the pain they are going through but I do feel like I want to be there to help them through their grief. The group is VERY small right now. Just the one girl that helped me form it and her friend that went through a very similar experience to hers. I introduced them and they pulled each other out of despair. I was so pleased to hear that one of them was pregnant (she told me about 3 weeks ago). She has no living children and lost her first at 17 weeks. At our first meeting (right before she told me she was pregnant) she basically told me she had given up, had no hope, and was turning her back on god. And then BAM! She's pregnant. The other member found out on Monday during our meeting and showed me her positive pregnancy test. She has 4 children but has also had 4 losses. I am so happy for them both but it makes me truly wonder if sometimes you have to give up or hit rock bottom to get what you wanted or needed. Maybe I'm not there yet?

The second lady also just received this "fertility" rock that her friend used that helped her get pregnant right away. It seems to have worked for her. And call me crazy but I can't wait to get my hands on that rock! I know it is silly but sometimes you just need something to believe in. And when you want something so badly, you'll sometimes try anything to get it. I'm feeling like I'm at that point. They also both went to what we lovingly refer to as "the pen.is bar" about a month and a half ago. It's this fertility bar where everything in the place is in a phallic shape. I have quite a few patients who swear this place is what did it for them. I've been there twice before and nothing ever happened for me but I did walk by it with my brother while he was here. We went in for a few minutes just to look around, and I did ovulate for the first time in 5 months about 4 days later. It just makes me wonder.....

Anyway, I'm heading home to see my hubby in less than a week and in preparation since I ovulated last month and got my first period in 5 months, I took my last few doses of letrozole days 3-6. I didn't even have a full course and I didn't tell the hubby yet that I did it. But hell, I figured it was worth a try. When your only chance to make a baby will be a few sporadic weeks over the next 8 months you might as well go for it, right? It's worth a shot :)

10 years later and it never gets any easier

Wisconsin Dells with my Dad

On October 5th, 2001 I lost my dad. I was a sophomore in college at the Univ. of Minnesota. My dad wasn't perfect, never lived with me, let me down, and was a very sick alcoholic for most of my life. But I loved him anyways. He was a huge part of my life. I always idolized him and wanted to be with him. He was a talented musician. He could play the guitar, drums, harmonica, and had the most beautiful singing voice. He never graduated from high school but he was one of the smartest and most well spoken people I had ever met. I miss him everyday. I cannot believe it's been 10 years since I last saw him. He died in his sleep from complications with pneumonia. He wouldn't go to the hospital so he died alone in his studio apartment. He had very few possessions,never had a bank account, and never cared about money. My dad was a good man and through all the disappointments and heartaches he put me through, I'm still grateful to have had him in my life. After 10 years, he is still the first person I want to call with good news.

I worry that he wouldn't know me now. So much has changed. He has never met my husband. I wasn't in nursing school when he died. I wasn't in the military. I hadn't moved to VA or Italy. I hope that he would be proud. It pains me to think that if I am ever lucky enough to have children that they won't know their grandpa Tony. He would have loved being a grandpa.

I miss you every dad.....

My favorite picture of my parents, when they were happy (and pregnant with me).

Dad laughing at me after a water ride I wanted to go on scared me. What a wuss!

Emotional

So that elusive period I've been waiting for..... yeah, it's here. I was a wreck yesterday, I should have known. I had a well woman exam (some yearly navy fun for us active duty folks) and met with the new OB doctor for my pap, breast exam, yada, yada, yada. She said she read my history and began asking me questions about my infertility. I kept my responses short and tried to avoid. I've been doing such a good job at keeping all my feelings at bay these days, that I didn't realize I was bottling them up. I mean, Sam is gone, I have no treatment options here, its pretty easy to realize that the hope is gone at least until my husband and I are in the same zip code. But all the emotions came rushing back when the Dr told me with tears in her eyes that she tried for a year and a half with here son and that she knows how hard this can be. She was very sweet, but seeing her pain reminded me of my own and I began to tear up too. I was on the verge of losing it all day. Fast forward to a few hours later and a dental appointment revealing 2 fricking cavities. Uggghhh! Talk about a bad day :(

But, I went to bed early and I feel better today. I woke up with my period which means it will be long gone before I see Sam and I will be able to (ahem!) enjoy my two weeks with my husband:) Now I just have to tackle the 10th

anniversary of my father's death (tomorrow) and that looming 30th birthday in two weeks. This is a rough month!

Before Sam left in August we took some great family photos (a couple with a dog is a family, right?) This one always makes me smile.

I miss Sam so much. I just have to make it another 13 days. I can do it, right?

Worst.Blogger.Ever.

I thought I would have a lot more time for blogging after Sam moved away and I became a single person again. I thought I would be bored, and I am, but I'm so boring that I don't have much to blog about! A few great things happened over the last 7 weeks:

• I got to spend an entire week with my half brother
  M. and his longtime girlfriend, T. I have a lovely time and was shocked by how much
  we have in common. For a little back story, M. and I have never lived together and I have only seen him 2x in the last 20 years! Once at our father's funeral and once at my wedding. So spending a whole week together seemed pretty daunting since we barely know each other. But we had a great time. I took them all over Sic.ily and we ended their week at Oktoberfest. I think we bonded and have been talking about taking trips together in the future. The only bummer is that Sam wasn't here to get to know them too :(
• I took my certification exam for Inpatient Obstetrics last weekend. It was really hard! But hopefully I passed. I felt very relieved when it was over, this thing has been looming over my head for a really long time.
• I started my new class and am about 80% sure that I am switching my masters program from women's health nurse practitioner to midwife. I know what you're thinking....and yes I am crazy. I know it will be torture
• for me to do that job if I can't have children of my own. But, I can't help but think that maybe this is my way of being connected to something that I wanted so badly, that I cannot have children of my own but I can help others bring theirs into the world.


• I'm going home to see Sam and my good friend Naomi in mid Oct. When I see him again it will have been 9 weeks that we have been apart. It has not been easy but I've had only one melt down so far. I've been keeping very busy and staying positive. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him in just two short weeks. We are also heading to NYC for a 4 night trip. I've never been so I am very excited. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law will be joining us for part of the trip and I'l get to hang out with my little niece and nephew. I'm really looking forward to it.
• I finished my first quilt FINALLY (the blue and brown one)! I had put it aside to work on that baby quilt for another friend (the pink and green one). It was just the quilting part and binding that needed to be done, so I had been procrastinating. So two quilts done and tons more to go. I am in the process of picking out fabric for a Christmas quilt I want to make. I also have two baby quilts on the back burner for two friends that are pregnant.

• 

• I STILL have not gotten my period. It will be 5 months on Oct 9th. This is ridiculous! I am pretty sure I ovulated two weekends ago, so I'm hoping it'll be here today or tomorrow. I really don't want it to come while I'm home visiting my husband. Wouldn't that be great luck?

I've still been reading although I've found very little people are still in fighting to have their babies. I'm happy to see that so many people have finally become pregnant or are in pursuit of adoption. If anyone has any suggestions of blogs for me to read please send me a comment. I'd love to relate to someone who has unexplained infertility and is struggling with the idea of IVF. Thank you ladies!

I'm Back

I'm back....sorry for the delay. Not sure anyone reads this anyways. Sam left yesterday for Virginia. I'm officially alone (except for the dog, he stayed with me). I'm doing okay. I sported the ugly cry face yesterday for about an hour after he left but I truly think I'll be feeling okay again soon. I have lots of time to do the things I felt guilty for doing when Sam was around. Not because he made me feel guilty just because I wanted to spend time with him. I hope to finish up my travel scrapbook from our time here, finish the quilt I made for us, proceed with my guitar lessons, and start getting serious about exercise. I'm ambitious, but now is the time. I have a certification exam coming up in about a month and Oktoberfest with my brother and his girlfriend in just a few weeks. Before I know it I'll be seeing Sam again. I'm hoping to head home in October to meet him in NYC for my 30th birthday. We shall see. I promise I'll start posting again more often. I've been thinking about infertility a lot lately. I still have not gotten my period, this cycle is well over 100 days. It's downright depressing. At least now I don't have to constantly wonder if I'm pregnant....my husband is an ocean away. Now that really takes out the what if factor :)

Again with the changes!

There is a lot going on....again! Sammy has always hoped that when we return to the states that he would be able to return to his position at the water treatment plant in VA without any difficulty. He loved that job, they loved him, they told him they would love to have him back if we are ever in the area again. But with the economy the way it is, they haven't been able to back up the guarantee and there have been no positions posted for his type of position in over 6 months. I was trying to be a good wife so I decided to offer "If any positions post soon, just go back and try and get one." Granted I am 9 months away from being back in the states at this point. I thought maybe in the fall or the winter he would go back. I can deal with a few months of separation, right? Wouldn't you know the very next day 2 positions posted. Needless to say he applied for both and we are currently waiting to find out what will happen. But I could be what the navy calls a geo-bachelor for the next 9 months. Talk about putting a cramp in our attempts to try to have a baby on our own for the next 9 months :) I can handle it, but I am a little annoyed that I suggested it and that he is so excited to leave me. I know he has missed making his own money and missed the states. But I guess our travels are over, our 3 year Italian honeymoon is over :( Now we wait.
Speaking of waiting....I still have not gotten my period. I'm cycle day 70 at this point. How annoying is that? I even took a cheapo pregnancy test yesterday, negative of course! I think I ovulated about 12 days ago, I timed intercourse, but I should get my period tomorrow. Oh well. At least it's a few month break from stupid tampons and cramps!
How about some positivity? Here are some good things:

• Summer in Si.cily is fantastic. The fruit, the sun, the sea! We've spent EVERY weekend at the beach. I have a pretty awesome tan.
• Granita and brioche- Ice cream for breakfast pretty much. It's an icier form of gelato served with a huge lightly sweet roll. You rip the roll and dip it in the granita. It's to die for!
• Quilting- I started a baby quilt for my friend Shannon. It is so beautiful. I totally wish I could keep it. Quilting keeps me sane, I cannot think of anything else while I'm doing it so it's a great stress reliever and helps me keep my mind off of Sam leaving or my inability to bear a child.
• Being a real nurse - I had two deliveries this week at work. I helped out with a 19 week delivery this week. The lady was torn up and alone and I was there for her. It reminds me that I can really help people in a bad time in their life. It makes it all worth it! I also helped out a co-worker who was delivering. 2 couples at work have requested me as their nurse, it makes me feel LOVED!!! I miss delivering babies and it's so fun to get in there and do what I love, for friends that I love. I have one more delivery this month (Shannon) and I am excited.
• Feeling better- Even with all the deliveries, I'm feeling better. I'm handling other peoples joy with grace and even starting to be really excited for them. I haven't really cried about infertility in awhile. I'm even able to listen to my BFF complain about her morning sickness. She is so sweet, she cried because she was so sick and then she felt bad for complaining about it to me. She is the best, she knows how I'm hurting and she thinks of me. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
  

M.I.A.

Sorry I've been MIA lately.....I probably shouldn't joke about that considering who I work for :) But between all the baby announcements and my impending grad school summer quarter that was about to begin I was ready for my Spanish Med Cruise. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I've never been on a cruise before, and yes we were among the youngest present. We had to change our dinner time from 6pm to 8:30pm because the entire room was filled with cotton heads and geriatrics. The shows were crap and the pool was small. But the food was fantastic, the ports were beautiful, and I slept like a damn baby every single night. We stopped in Palma de Mallora, Barcelona, Ibiza, Malaga, and Gibralter. We did have a problem getting to Palma and getting home due to a missed plane which resulted in $700 worth of new tickets bought in the airport, sleeping in the Barcelona airport, and losing out on one night of our beach front hotel room in Palma. But we made it there and we made it home and we had a truly wonderful vacation. But after all the travel trouble my bank account and my patience are slight sick of traveling. Sam and I decided to focus on saving for the next two months and scrapped our Greece trip. Our next trip will be Oktoberfest with my big brother in mid September. Until then we are saving for our upcoming move back to the states which will require us to buy our first house, two newer cars, and hopefully an IVF cycle :)
I started school again, taking advance pathophysiology this time. It's tough, but its actually fun to learn this kind of stuff. I haven't had a period since the day before mother's day so I'm on like cycle day 50-something. I'm trying hard not to keep track and just give myself the break I need. I have nothing to pee on in the house (pregnancy test or opk) so that helps. I'm just listening to my body, guessing and daydreaming about being home and getting treatments, and enjoying my summer with my hubby.
Unfortunately when I returned home I found out one of my two expecting friends had a miscarriage (not my BFF). She works with me and had told EVERYONE at like 5 weeks that she was pregnant. She was having such a hard time and I am the bereavement counselor so I met with her. They are handling it so well. She said she had a hard time talking about it to me, because she knows our story (kind of) and it was so easy for them to get pregnant, and she thinks it will be easy for them again. I'm sure it will be, but it kind of stung me. But I sucked it up because her grief and her story isn't about me. I love doing my bereavement work because I get to help someone else. It truly makes me feel unselfish and useful.
Have a beautiful week everyone!

Another one bites the dust

I just received a call from my best friend Naomi. A call I new was coming since she took out her IUD in January. She's pregnant and really excited. I am excited for her, but hurting so much for us. Why does it have to feel this way. Can I rewind to 5 years ago, when someone would tell me they were pregnant and all I could do was grin and think about how I was going to spoil the crap out of that brand new baby? How I would spend all my money and time buying things for them, making sure they were comfortable, planning the shower? I miss feeling happy for people who are pregnant, not jealous. It just kills me that they only tried for 4 months and BAM! she's got a bun in the oven. I feel so foolish. I feel so useless. I feel so scared. Who am I to ever think that I would be lucky enough to have a child? Where do I even get off hoping to have a baby with my husband? It happens to others, not to me. I must have done something in my life to deserve this pain. I'm not entitled to having a child, it is a privilage that I will never know. I just can't figure out how to accept this and move on from the jealousy that I feel towards all the women that get pregnant without trying. 4 long years of longing for a family. 4 long years of stress and pain and tears. I have a good life, why is that not enough? I hope this new pregnancy will not make me lost my best friend. I can't stand any more grief.

Life is not fair

I'm struck by how often this is true....life is not fair. There have been a lot of people with failed IVF cycles lately and it is freaking me out. I just wonder if I'll even be able to take the gamble that is IVF. All that money, and expectations, and injections, and hope only to be crushed by disappointment. I honestly don't know if I can handle that. People don't realize how lucky they are to have a baby the old fashioned way. I find myself getting more and more jealous. I'm sick of people just saying "Oh just go get IVF!" Are they going to be there for me when I struggle with my own morality because I'm messing with the fact that God hasn't blessed me with children? Are they going to loan me the $10,000 to try IVF just once? Are they going to comfort me when the whole thing turns out as a bust? No....its just some far away from them solution to offer, because they can't deal with the reality of our life. I'm over it! I'm done talking about infertility with people who don't get it.
I'm done with my rant! I've been holding things together pretty well. I've been working out and cooking up a storm. I found an awesome food blog about mealplanning....something I've always wanted to try. http://themealplanner.blogspot.com/ You should check this out. I made Thai meatballs with peanut butter sauce, meatball subs, and baked potato soup this week. Everything was amazing! I usually don't cook because I have a tendency to burn things, but this week I surprised myself and it was fun.
I hope everyone has a great week!

Quiet and quite boring

I've noticed it has become quite quiet and boring around here lately. Both myself and the boards seem to have come to a screeching halt. Where is everyone? I've been in homework hell for the last week. My Health Policy class is done (thank you GOD!!) and I'm now bored. It's funny how when you have all this stuff to do, all you do is stress and wish it was over. Now that it is over....I'm sitting here bored and wondering what is next??? I'm heading to Naples Italy tonight for an overnighter for a training I have in the morning. I wish I had more time because then I could explore :( But I'll be back tomorrow evening by dinner time. Here are some boring things going on with me:

• Spanish cruise coming up with a friend of mine, we're doing Royal Carribean International and stopping in Palma de Mallorca, Barcelona, Ibiza, Gilbralter, and Majorca. I've never been on a cruise before and 9 days is a long time to spend with someone you're not that close with....but I'm still pretty excited.
  
• I'm jealous because meanwhile my husband will be seeing Incubus (our favorite band) at the Hurrican Festival in Germany....I'm slightly bummed about this one!
• I start pathophysiology class on June 20th, my 2nd day cruising...that ought to be interesting:)
• Sam and I are in midst of designing some corresponding tattoos consisting of Incubus lyrics. It's something we've always talked about so why not now?
• I'm spotting off and on and trying to ignore it. I have no idea if and when I ovulated, but the spotting is making me crazy. I forgot how when you're not trying to get pregnant and you have irregular cycles that you constantly wonder if you're pregnant. I'm sure I'm not, so I choose to ignore.
• I found out another couple is pregnant from work. They are fantastic, but it still stings. I'm having trouble being myself around them, I know it will subside eventually but it's so hard to be happy for someone when they achieve what you've been trying to achieve for years without going through even half of what we've been going through.
• Next month marks 4 years of trying to have a baby. 4 YEARS!!! Seems like an eternity. I wonder how many more years of this shit I can take. Ugggghhh!
  

So that's been it lately. Hope everyone else is hanging in there. I've been saying some prayers for a few people. I'm hoping to hear some good news for someone soon, I need some of my hope restored in humanity.

Memorial Day Weekend....

Is over. Boooo! I love long weekends and am sad this one is coming to a close. Thank you to all of those who have sacrificed for our freedom. It has been a true privielage to serve as part of the US Navy.
I spent the weekend having fun versus being productive. Still haven't touched my quilt and have a big paper that I haven't even begun looming over my head. Instead, I went to the beach, cleaned, worked out, went to BBQ's, got rip roaring drunk, made an ass out of myself (but had sooo much fun), spent a whole day hung over, and spent today out on a paddle boat with friends. It was a blast! I was literally so hung over yesterday, that I couldn't keep anything down, I threw up 5x. Uggghhh! My body can't take that much alcohol anymore, I must be getting old.
I did cry on Saturday night because someone let it slip that another newly married couple is pregnant after trying for like 2 seconds. I have to accept that that is there journey. I can't be mad at the them or think they don't deserve their child because they didn't go through what Sam and I have. I truly believe that there is some reason for all of this. A lesson learned or some act of fate that we have struggled with this so much. This is our journey and they have theirs. It just hurts so much to hear it like that. I literally cannot bring myself to be happy for them, I'll get there eventually. I have to remind myself that it doesn't change anything for us. We still are childless whether they have a baby or not. We still need to save for IVF. We still have a year to wait until we can try and do IVF. Things don't change for us because everyone else has children and we don't. No one ever said life was easy. I'm living proof.

Back from Dublin.

Hello everyone! I'm back from Dublin and feeling pretty good. I ate too much, drank too much, had vacation sex, walked so much I have shin splints, and slept late. All good things to do during vacation. I'm feeling like a different person. I think I had no idea how much all the medication was affecting me. I broke out really bad the week after my period, I cried a lot that week and then....I was better. I'm more upbeat, I'm not as depressed, and Sam and I are getting along great. I needed this break, I didn't want it, but I needed it. Slowly I am accepting the fact that we are in a holding pattern for at least the next 11 months. I can do it, I just need to focus on living the life I do have instead of focusing on everything I don't have. I'll get there I just need to keep my eyes on the prize!

Hurray for 3 day work weeks! I took today off of work and have friday off to start memorial day weekend, YIPPEEE! I spent yesterday being productive, finished all a dreaded paper, unpacked, called family. And today, I did nothing. It was fantastic. Sometimes you just need to get away from the daily crap and enjoy a whole day of nothing:)

A new direction.

I've been dreading writing this post. Things are changing for Sam and I....and not in the great way that I had hoped. We decided to scrap the last cycle of femara and hCG because I cannot emotionally handle it. We're at the end of the line here in Sicily and I'm not ready to go out in town. So now we wait....for the next year, a whole year, as in 12 months, and 4 seasons, and 12 cycles to get back to the states to pursue "real" fertility treatments. I literally cannot believe that it has come to this. I never really thought I would need this much help, just a little clomid, just a little femara, just a trigger shot. Who knew it would snowball into a conversation about how in the hell we will pay for IVF?
So I got my period on mother's day last week, and suffice to say that I was a frickin basket case. I cried for several hours each day on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Sam and I talked about everything while I snotted and sobbed all over the place. We decided to scrap this last one because he is worried about my emotional wellbeing....and frankly so am I. I do feel better the last few days but I was truly feeling depressed. I was crying at the drop of a hat, not eating, not sleeping, just really down. So I broke up with my OB doctor on Wednesday and he thinks we are doing the right thing. He wished me well and said that he "wished there was more he could have done". Preaching to the choir sir! I wish my body could have done more, that it could do what it was supposed to do!
So I'm done beating myself up. I'm off the meds, my body is starting to relax, and I'm forcing myself to thing about other things. I literally did everything that I could do, I have no regrets. I'm married to a wonderful man, I live in Europe, and I have almost everything I could want. How can I not be more grateful? I'm still hurting but I have to give this obsession over pregnancy and babies a rest. My marriage deserves a break from the stress. I deserve a break from the stress.
Nurse's week is over, we did a lot of fun stuff to honor all the nurses and the Na.vy Nur.se Corps. I was stressed about that as well. There are some pictures from our celebration below. We head to dublin on Wed. And I am truly looking forward to a nice relaxing 4 day weekend in Ireland.

All of the nurses celebrating at a local wine bar.

Me and my huney!

Mother's Day is a bitch.

When it rains it pours right. It's mother's day. I'm officially the worst daughter ever (haven't even gotten my mom a present and I'm an ocean away from her). I started spotting today, period due tomorrow. I'm not currently speaking to my husband.

I'm so low right now. Why? Why us? Why me? I'm never going to celebrate this day. I will always feel like this. Literal pain in my chest when I think of being childless. I cried several times this weekend already. I'm in pain. I have no one to tell. I have no where to go. I have no options. My heart is broken.

Busy Week

Hello bloggie world. I've been busy, like seriously, head spinning, can't sleep, can't eat, worried sick busy. I'm trying to relax, but as all us infertiles know, that is damn near impossible. I'm busy because it is National Nurse's Week and the Navy Nurse Corps Birthday next week. I'm in charge of the nurse's association and we have a ton of fun stuff planned. I planned a run, a rummage sale fundraiser, a cocktail party, a cake cutting, and a breakfast to celebrate with all the nurses. It's been fun, but being the hostess is so exhausting. It sure does make the two week wait fly by though :)

I'm one week in, and I'm doing well. I think I have pretty much given up any hope of this working so I feel more peaceful. I'm doing so well with my lifting and running that I'm finally starting to lose a little weight, and more importantly PEOPLE ARE NOTICING!!! Like strangers are noticing. It feels good. I may never be able to have a baby but by God, I will have a six pack :)

I'm counting down the days to dublin.......15 days! I'm ready to put the stress of nurse's week behind me and relax with some Guiness and some Irish music.

No one ever said I was bright.

I was wrong. My follicle was still there, 20x28. I took my first of what I fear will be many injections yesterday. This may not be a big deal to most, but this is the beginning for me. I just really was hoping it wouldn't get to this point. But I manned up and I got my trigger shot. I think most people doing triggers do them in the butt, but the girl that did mine was a friend so I chose the arm. That sucker hurt! I'm not big on needles. So it's done, and now I wait.
I had a good cry tonight with the hubs. He said that he wants to be done for the year after these two cycles are over. I cried because it became clear that he has no hope either (and frankly, after 11 unsuccessful cycles can you blame the guy?) He was the hopeful one before, he always said he "just knew it would happen". Well apparently now he knows it will happen, just not this year. I see where he's coming from, we're officially benched after this. There are no options for treatment here. But I guess I just assumed I would still temp and do my OPK's and time intercourse. You know.....just in case. But now I realize he wants a break, and as much as I say I want a break, I'm not sure I'm ready to give it all up. I pretend I don't care but this shit is an obsession. I think about babies, our babies, holidays, birth, pregnancy, treatment, what if blah, blah, blah, all day long, every frickin day. It's exhausting, but I don't know how else to be.
So as much as I was looking forward to being done with treatment, I still thought we would be trying (just half assed trying, no whole assed trying). It's just a lot to take in. I broke down today because this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know what I want to do or how I'll handle all this, but I know I'll keep going. Life doesn't stop because of grief or pain. I'll keep hurting but I'll keep going too. I guess I'll just try to find some comfort in that.

Sadness

Please offer some words of support to Hilary @ http://makingmemom.blogspot.com/ She is in a sad place because her final FET cycle has ended, and not in the way she had hoped. Just reading her words stirs up so much emotion for me. She wrote that her story is an "infertile's nightmare". She's right. Don't we all wonder if we'll end up without biological children of our own? Sure it seems like everyone ends up with their happy ending, but sometimes you don't. I struggle with this. I find it so hard to have hope when someone who really deserves to be a mom doesn't get to be. If this amazing, strong woman can't get there, who am I to even try? She deserves this, she's done all the work, and spent all the money and she's left with empty arms and a broken heart. Life is unfair. It's becoming more and more apparent with each passing year. My heart is broken for her and for every other woman who has had to give up their dream of becoming a mother. It'll probably be me a few years from now.
I'm annoyed with my cycle and feeling rather dismal about the whole situation. I had an U/S today, I had an 18x20 mm follicle and my dr said he wants to wait and do another one on Monday. Well guess what Ace? It won't be there on Monday. I'm quite sure I'll drop it on my own sometime before then and miss my chance to try the infamous trigger. Whatever! It's not like it'll work anyways. I am a debbie downer today, sorry!

Apparently I'm a Guiney Pig.

My new cycle has started, yippeeee (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I'm cycle day 5, taking the letrozole blah, blah, blah. Apparently this month my Dr want me to try an hCG trigger shot. Why?? Good question. I feel like he's thinking nothing else worked, lets just try this too. I'm curious to see if it makes a difference, but honestly why would it? I've ovulated every single time. We've had pretty great timing and clearly ovulation and timing are not the issue. I sometimes wonder what it is. I wonder if my body is attacking Sam's sperm (ala Charlotte on sex and the city). Or if my uterus is hostile (ala Meredith on Greys) or if we're just incompatible and my eggs and his sperm just plain hate each other and refuse to play nice. What can it be??? Or is it nothing, is it simply unexplained. Is it that huge gray area, that big what if that hangs over your very existence. I wish I had something to truly blame it on because not knowing is a bitch. Oh well, two more cycles and I'll be free to obsess about other things besides infertility.
I gave myself something to look forward to by planning a trip to Dublin in May for a few days. It's been 11 years since I've been there and Sam has never been. We are both extremely excited to drink Guiness and roam the streets. I can't wait to get out of this joint for a few days.
That's all for now. I'll try to post more, I've been kinda down lately and being lazy. I'll get better soon, I promise :)

Less than Hopeful, and Trying Desperately Not to Care.

I'm less than hopeful. I broke and peed on a stick yesterday at 10dpo. Nothing. One stupid, annoying, condescending line. I hate that line on the right. I want to see the line on the left!!!! Is that so much to ask. I've been having cramping the last two days. I keep oscillating between certainty that it is my impending period and praying to GOD that it is something else.
I'm trying so hard not to care. I'm trying hard to think of all the things that I "get" to do because we are childless. But booze and sleep and vacations don't take away the pain of empty arms. It doesn't keep from crying when I see a pregnant belly or a onesie. I had a rough day today, I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.
The uphill battle that we've been fighting is becoming more real to me. It's becoming more real to Sam too. I used the 1 in 6 couples statistic the other day and he just said "Wow, that sucks that's less than 20% chance. How unlucky are we?"
I am dreading these letrozole cycles being over. Because that's it, end of story, for a whole year! That's a long time to sit and wait for some help. But this is the way it is, I have no choice, I'm stuck here. Before I took the clomid I thought... all I'll need is a little clomid. That'll do it for sure, I'll get pregnant right away. Then I didn't and before I took the letrozole I thought, "That clomid was drying up all my CM, I'll take the letrozole and that'll do it, we'll get pregnant right away." How long can I do this to myself? Do I just accept this? Do I skip to IVF? Do we live without children? Should I just keep trying?

Who new that life would be this hard. My empty arms ache for a tiny human that looks just like my handsome husband. My heart aches to love a child that is my own. This is literally the most painful time in my life being faced with the reality that having children is something I will probably never experience.

Hiking, Humping, and Heineken

I did a little of one and a lot of the other two....can you guess. Ha! I'm 5 days post ovulation, I think. I never got a really good positive. The line was darker but the whole strip was just lighter than it usually is. I peed on a zillion strips but none of them looked like they usually do. Oh well. I'm kind of digging my "I don't give a shit attitude" lately. I really just have no hope so I'm not paying attention as much this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I analyze a twinge or get teary thinking that this won't work. But I've pretty much accepted that I am in dire need of assistance to get pregnant. These last few cycles are just a formality and I know that if the drug was going to work for me it would have happened by now. But just the same, I gave this cycle the good old college try and humped my husband when I needed to :)

We also bought a case of heineken this week and I have been indulging in a lovely brew each evening. It has been heaven, don't judge me :)

And finally we had a fantastic hike at this beautiful reserve in southern sicily called Cava Grande del Cassible. We hiked 1.5 miles down hill (a little dangerous, never would people be allowed to go down this trail in the states) to this beautiful river and rapids that turned into a waterfall and two beautiful pools. It was a hard hike up and down but totally worth it and so fun!

I'm finally getting caught up at work and feeling more settled, just in time for my next class to start! I'm taking health care policy this semester, YIPPPEEE, Not! I can't wait to be done with my graduate program, but at this one class per quarter rate, I'll be 60 by the time I'm done. Oh well, it's good for me right?

In other news, my half brother will be coming out to visit me this fall and I couldn't be more excited. I have probably only seen my brother Tony 10x in my whole life. In the last 10 years I have only seen him twice, once at my wedding and once at my dad's funeral. We haven't had a great relationship because of my dad's alcoholism and the close relationship that I had with my dad. My dad was not a good father to Tony, he made no effort to be close with him as his alcoholism progressed. But it's been wonderful getting to know him and healing our relationship. We've been keeping in touch on facebook and emailing. I was so surprised and so touched that he wanted to come out and visit. When we told everyone we were coming to Italy everyone wanted to visit, promised to visit. Only my mother has been here so far. It's annoying. It's such a great opportunity for our families to get out of the states and see the world, and all they've come up with is a lot of excuses. Tony and his girlfriend Tina (who is awesome too) are planning on meeting us in Munich for Oktoberfest and then flying down to Sicily to visit with us. I'm so happy to have something great to look forward to.

Everybody's Working for the Weekends.

I have always worked shift work, 12 hour shift work, since I
graduated from college and joined the navy in 2005. I always worked weekends and holidays and had full glorious days off during the week. As much as I complained sometimes about working weekends and holidays, those wednesdays and thursdays off in the middle of the week were heavenly. I miss them. I currently work 7:30AM-4pm Mon-Fri and frankly I miss my shift work. Don't get me wrong. I finally don't have work nights which is great and I'm able work out more frequently and regularly and Sam and I eat dinner together at night, which is new. But I really miss my frequent days off and my ability to sleep in. I LIVE for my weekends lately. And it has been crazy at work lately. I've been running around and have a zillion projects to complete. I just really miss patient care and being a real nurse. Administrative nursing is just not for me. Only 13 months to go.....hopefully!
On the infertility front, I've been taking the stupid mucinex 3x a day for the last few days. I had an u/s yesterday showing a 28x22 follicle on the right side (which I think was measured at a wierd angle because if it's really that big it should have ovulated by now, right?) I'm not hopeful. I'm not anything. I know it won't work so I'm trying really hard not to give a shit. I haven't even peed on any OPK's yet and it's cycle day 16. I am so aware of when I ovulate now that I don't even need those stupid pieces of shit anymore. I guess it's just confirmation, I'm sure it'll be happening this weekend, and we'll go through the motions, and two weeks from now my stupid period will be here again. Sighhhhhh.....
I have bigger fish to fry, like losing a couple pounds before it's time for the navy to weigh me again, and kicking ass on my push up test this year, and making the house feel like a home, and finishing my travel scrapbook, and planning trips, and learning to play guitar. I have a lot of good stuff to keep me busy that I should be doing. Instead I sit and wallow and cry and wonder how trying to have a child has ruined my sex life and my will to live. Ugghhhh!
Seriously though....I have started working with a trainer at our gym, and she is awesome! She pushes to me outside my comfort zone. I always did cardio and abs and hated lifting. But she makes me lift constantly without rest and with spurts of cardio for an hour twice a week. I've never felt stronger(or more sore!) than I have in the last 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for not pushing this off because "I might get pregnant". My life is now, and if I'm not out there living it, then I am missing it.

Watching someone hurt

I think I have a pretty good understanding of pain in my life. I lost my dad to alcoholism when I was 19, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, and I'm an infertile labor and delivery nurse, need I say more. Not only do I know some pain but I'm ironic as well :) Four years of crying over the pregnancy that will never come. Feeling your hopeful self crumble into a mess with each and every one line pregnancy test and each surprising period that comes your way. I've watched my best friend give birth to a baby with my husband's very fertile brother. I've designed invitations for baby showers for friends, and made blankets, and held these beautiful miracles all with tears in my eyes. I keep going, I keep my head down, I hold secret hope that my turn will come....eventually.
Apparently I enjoy pain because, I also started a bereavement program for parents that have lost pregnancies, have delivered a preterm baby resulting in a death, or delivered a stillbirth. I was trained to help these women through some serious pain. I knew that a lot of nurses at my work were highly uncomfortable taking care of women in these situations. But I enjoyed it, I felt for these women, I cried with these women, I enabled them to make choices and make memories of their children. It isn't easy to be this their rock, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would rather put myself through a little pain to help these women, than to have them be stuck with a nurse that doesn't know how to help them or doesn't want to help them.
I met with one of the dr's at work today because she experienced her 5th miscarriage this year. She was in agony. It hurt so bad just for me to see her hurt. I wonder if that is how people see me when I cry about my infertility. Not pity, just pain, actual pain to see someone losing faith in life and love, to feel like they'll never smile again. I just sat and listened to her, and let her cry. She thanked me several times for listening to her. When you're in pain I guess that's all you really want anyway. Someone to tell you you're not crazy. To assure you that you have a right to feel the way you do.
It feels good to use my own pain to help ease someone elses. Something good from something bad, right? Say a prayer for my friend today...she can use the good vibes.

Attitudinal

When ever I get snippy with Sam, he always says "Stop being attitudinal!" I don't even know if it is a real word but it always makes me laugh. I've been feeling awfully attitudinal lately. Things are just setting me off, making me upset. I'm trying to brush it off but I think the reality of our situation is really starting to irk me. I hate that we have no options. I hate that we have 3 chances left and then no fricking options. I feel so desperate, like I would try anything if it would give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I'm even going to try the mucinex thing this month. Am I crazy? I just feel like I'm so limited in every other area that I will do anything that I physically can do to try and increase my chances of having a family. I'm seriously that desperate....

I'm also avoiding my pregnant friend at work. She heard that I had been quilting and asked the girl that I learned from if she could join us to make a baby quilt. I felt completely deflated. I can't do that with her. I don't want to watch her make a quilt for her baby. It's torturous. Am I evil? I just know that seeing baby things (blankets, onsies, little socks, boppies) they all disturb a terribly emotional place inside of me. They unleash the flood of tears and pain that I am trying so hard to ignore. I don't want anyone to know this pain that I carry around. I don't want anyone to see me falling apart. And I definitely don't want to be "that girl". You know the one that everyone is sick of, the one that fixates on what she can't have (marriage, better job, kids). I don't need their pity and I don't want it. I should probably just suck it up like I do when I have to go to baby showers, but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I know I'll fall apart.

I am cycle day 7 today. I'm taking my letrozole, I had a day 4 u/s (no cysts) and now I wait until next friday for my next u/s. Hopefully this cycle will work. Hopefully!

Running, Quilting, and Crying

Hey everyone. I'm still here. Still not pregnant. Still hanging in there. I got my period finally....two days late. Just to mess with me. I'm cycle day 3 today but I can't start meds until I have an U/S tomorrow. My Dr. wants to make sure I don't have any cysts since I had two follies last cycle. Two follies and no baby, WTF?!? I'm trying really hard not to be bitter, but to be thankful instead. I'm hurting though, I've been crying a lot and just feeling really down. I'm just realizing that I have three chances left to get pregnant "on my own" with just the help of a simple, easy pill. I never really thought I would need more intervention than a little clomid or something. It's just another thing for me to grieve over. I never realized that getting pregnant the normal way was ever that important to me, until it was taken away. Well it's just another thing for me to get used to, right?

In keeping with my distraction theme, I sewed all the borders onto my quilt. Here is the finished front. I still have to add the backing, the batting, and the binding and then I actually get to quilt the entire thing. I'm so excited to see the finished product!


I also ran the base to base run yesterday. It's an annual event each March for the base. It's a 7.6 mile run. Last year, I only ran about 3 miles of it. This year I ran 7 miles! I was so proud of myself. Sammy ran too, for the first time in about 5 years. Of course I've been training and he just went out there and ran it, and he still beat me! It was fun, but I am definitely hurting today. Here are some pictures from Saturday.

Giving up on this cycle.

I've given up, officially on this cycle. Peed on a stick yesterday and today BFN both times. I knew it. This drug will probably not work. I need more help, I need IVF or IUI or something. It's soooooo frustrating because I'm so hopeful in the beginning of the cycle and so hurt and cynical by the end of the cycle. I guess I'll just be waiting until Wed or Thursday when I will finally get my stupid period. This sucks. I just wish so badly that I could experience that moment where that stupid test would show anything but that sad one lonely control line.
I was attacked yesterday with another fa.cebook pregnancy announcement. Ugggghhhh! It just happens so easily for some people, and it makes me crazy jealous. I hate feeling like this.
In other news, I finished piecing together most of my quilt. All I have left to do is the binding and the backing and then the actual quilting part. It looks awesome, I'm excited to have quilting as something to distract me. This week will be stressful because I work in patient safety and it is patient safety awareness week. I have stuff planned at work all week including a training for all the hospital staff where I have to teach a power point presentation. I am so nervous! I've been thinking about it all week. I hate talking in front of people, but I have to do this. Once this is over I'm going to relax and regroup and start thinking about other stuff besides patient safety and my infertility. I must get out of this slump. I feels so bad about myself. I feel like a huge let down to everyone....Sam, my mom, his mom, myself. I just need some good news in my life.

1 week in and I'm going nutso!

Today is 7dpo. I'm going bat shit crazy! I've been feeling really hopeful this cycle and I just want it to be late enough for me to test....but it's not. SIGH. I'm hanging in there though. I am a little worried about the timing of everything. This might be a little TMI but....I had fertile CM the 2 days before and the day of my +opk, we did the deed all those days. Then the day after I was dry as a bone and fell asleep early so we did nothing. Isn't that the important day? The day after the +opk. I feel like I've tried it all ways: days before, day of, days after, all days, no days. Anyway I've done it it never frickin works! Who knows.
I've been so worn out this week too. I've been running a lot, everyday almost. It feels great but when I get home I want to eat and then hit the bed. I'm starting with a personal trainer next week. I figure my life is full of irony. What's more ironic than paying $400 for a trainer and then finding out a week later you're pregnant? I wouldn't be upset...I promise :)

Over Acheiver

There go my ovaries again, showing off and stuff. I had one 17x20 on the right and one 18x22 on the left. WTF!!! Letrozole isn't supposed to have a risk of multiples! I'm riding high on my hopeful and optimistic ultrasound. This is the good part of the month, the time when anything could happen. When I start thinking, "Why not me?" Best part of the day was that 20 minutes after my appt. my wonderful husband called to ask "How did that thing go?" He doesn't show it much but he cares :) I was happy to tell him the good news and he promptly said "That's great, but don't get your hopes up." He's protecting me. Send some good vibes my way....only three chances left after this cycle and then I'm benched, FOR A YEAR! It's now or never right?

In honor of distraction.

I've been keeping busy for two reasons. #1 My BFF Naomi just left the island of Sicily for good on Saturday morning. This sucks for me because at least 75% of my free time was spent hanging out, working out, or chatting on the phone with her. I'm gonna miss that girl! #2 It's cycle day 13, I'm about to ovulate, and I'm sick of thinking about failed cycles, hopeful cycles, and everything in between.

This is my buddy Naomi on her last night here :(

So to keep busy and distract myself I did A LOT this weekend, which was a long one because of president's day. I finished a huge group project for my finance and economics of health care class. Thank God too, because that sucker was looming over my head for the last 7 weeks and isn't due until March 10th. Plenty of time for fixing it up with my group, but at least my part is DONE!!!! Yeah!
I also started quilting, and I must say I'm a little obsessed. I've been watching one of my new friends here start a new quilt and she was teaching me little by little. I bought all my own materials and started out on my very first lap quilt. I bought a ton of blue, green, brown, gray colors on line and had them shipped to me. I borrowed a sewing machine from a friend, bought all the cutting and sewing supplies and I was on my way.
I spent about 2 hours yesterday ironing all my fabrics after I washed them. Then I cut them all. I learned how to use the sewing machine with a little help from my friend. After all that you couldn't stop me. I was on fire. I cut everything, pieced it all together and now I just have to figure out how to arrange my squares. Quilting is so much fun. I couldn't ask for a better distraction. I posted some pictures below so you can see the progression.

Making Decisions.

As I said in my last post I've been thinking....a lot. Mostly about Navy career. I've felt a lot of pressure to stay in the Navy, especially over the last 4 months of this new administrative job that I have. I could do it. I could stay in, finish up my masters degree, finish up a second masters degree, sit in an office, make a lot of money, move around the world, play the game, possibly lose my husband and probably never be in one place long enough to get the help we need to have a child. PHEW!(that was a long run-on, sorry!) But I'm not going to. I'm going to be true to myself and what Sam and I are hopeful for. It sure sounds like a lot of fun to move around every three years, but it's not. Parts of it are, but no one tells you about the sucky stuff. The broken and stolen personal items, the living without your stuff for two months because it's "in transit", the fact that your husband can't find a job that pays more than $10 and hour because of bullshit labor laws, the loneliness that lasts about a year every time you move, saying goodbye to good friends every couple of months because it's their turn to move. Don't get me wrong the Navy has been good to me but it might be my turn to move on. I always thought I would get out when I was done with my time, but they sucked me in with promises of retirement benefits, $, and promotions. I'm ashamed to say that it all looked pretty attractive for awhile.
But Sam and I have talked. I will attempt to get orders back to my old duty station in VA, and then I will be done. We want a house to make memories in. We want a family. We want lifelong friends that we will see on a regular basis. I'm already half way to my MSN anyways. Who needs two masters degrees? There are so many other things that matter to me besides money and power. I need to remember that.

In other news, cycle day 10. Ultrasound on Tuesday. Hopefully I don't ovulate before then. I have little faith, but I hope that this is our cycle. I always hope.

I've been thinking....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about Navy career, finishing grad school, life, death, marriage, and how in the hell we are ever going to build a family. I want so badly to be optimistic about letrozole. I want to just believe that we are meant to be parents and that we've waited long enough, it has to be our turn. But then I remember that life is not fair. Things don't always happen just because you want them bad enough, or you deserve them. I've had a long history of life not being fair. I can choose to dwell on these things- my infertility, my broken family, my father's death-or I can choose to be grateful for the beautiful things that I have in my life.
Sam and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but we were married twice. We eloped on Feb 12th of 2007 in Charlottesville, VA at a beautiful little B&B. We didn't have the money for a big wedding yet and our parents wanted us to get married at home. Sam's mom was away in Iraq for the whole year coming up, so we snuck off and had a quiet little wedding alone, just the two of us. We were just babies when I look back. Sam was only 23 and I was 25. But we knew we wanted to be together and we knew we couldn't wait. I wouldn't change it for anything. We had our big wedding in May 2008 when we could afford it. We didn't tell many people that we were already married so we got the best of both words. A big party with all of our family and friends and a small intimate ceremony with just the two of us.
I am so proud of the man my husband has become and he is the best thing in my life. Sam is far from perfect ( and so am I!) but he has proven through and through that he is the calm, stable, consistent, and easy going one in our relationship. I need to remember this and be more grateful.
I guess I've just been focusing on my inability to give Sam a child. Feeling sorry for myself, letting myself slip into complete negativity. Time to turn over a new leaf and see the good side of things. Gotta start somewhere right?

Cycle Day 2

When is this shit gonna be over? Seriously! I'm cycle day 2, yet another bust of a cycle, yet another tear shed. I start my letrozole tomorrow. So I can be disappointed again in another 30 days. At least it's something to make the time pass, right? I feel so close to just screaming out loud "I CANNOT HAVE CHILDREN". I'm sick of people asking me if I'm pregnant or if we're going to have kids. I'm sick of hating every pregnant woman I see. I'm sick of wondering if they "deserve" this pregnancy. I'm sick of people telling me I should be grateful for what I have. I'm not grateful. I'm feeling rather ungrateful. I'm feeling downright resentful.
I'm just a big ole ball of negativity today folks, so sorry! I had a fantastic time in Germany. The Packers won the superbowl (GO PACK! I'm from Wisconsin). I just finished my homework for the week. I'm caught up at work. I should be feeling good....but I don't. I feel sad, empty, like a big fat failure. If someone has a reason to smile please tell me so I can join in :(

Goodbyes and Shocks to the System

Good morning blog world. Hope everyone is doing well. I'm doing okay...still pretty hopeless about this cycle. Even though I was on a higher dose of Femara I ovulated later than I did the last time, cycle day 17. WTF? I told my Dr and he said "Rose, I don't know why, you're an enigma!" I don't want to be an enigma! I just want to know why my body will not do what I ask of it! So I am currently cycle day 22. Feeling nothing special and just trying to get this cycle over to start my Femara again. I cannot build this cycle up because I cannot emotionally handle another failure. So I give up before I even get a chance to fail.
I'm gearing up for a hard goodbye in about 2 weeks. My best friend N, a friend I met here in Sicily and have been joined at the hip with for almost a year, is leaving to go back to the states with her husband to their next duty station. I cannot imagine life here without her. I'm dreading a week filled with tears, she leaves on the 17th. We still have a fun trip to Germany planned for next week. Can't wait to make some more fun memories with her.
N gave me a pretty good shock to my system on Thursday. She is one of my two friends that doesn't have any children. She is happily married and wants children but was waiting because they weren't ready and her husband is deployable. Well her husband expressed to her that he got his deployment schedule and the she should remove her IUD so they can start trying. She was caught off guard too and excited and she called me to tell me and then asked me to come down to the ER to hold her hand while one of the Dr's took out her IUD (5 minutes after her husband had called her and told her she should take it out). She was totally sensitive and asked me if I was okay with this, and told me she wanted us to be pregnant together. I really appreciate that she thought of me. I know she gets how hard this is for me. But it still stirred up my feelings of jealousy and self pity. In my mind I have her pregnant already, leaving me behind like every other friend that has started their families. She has all kinds of questions for me about trying to conceive and she is so excited she just wants to talk about it. It just hurts that I have lost that excitement, that it is replaced by negativity and cynicism. It hurts that everyone gets to move forward, so quickly and for free. I am jealous that her husband really wants to have children and is excited for the next adventure in their lives. Sam told me last week that he has only been going through with the TTC to make me happy and that he could do without children. I feel like crap. I'm a bad friend. I'm a bad wife. I'm feeling like a bad person. Uggghhh!

Midcycle and devoid of any hope!

This cycle sucks for me already. My doctor upped my dose of Femara to 5mg each day, days 3-9. I have not had any side effects but I also did not have any ultrasound because my Dr is on vacation. Now I am cycle day 14, I have no idea what's going on inside my lil' ovaries, I am out of ovulation tests (I ordered some but they haven't gotten here yet), I've been slacking on temping, and I'm just overall feeling defeated. I don't want to be negative but there is little for me to be positive about this cycle. If this cycle bombs I have no one to blame but myself. I'm working hard to tell myself not to care, but rarely am I actually successful. I hope everyone else is keeping their spirits up out there in the blog world. I'm praying for all the people I follow. Your success will keep me hopeful!
In order to cheer myself up a bit and focus on the positive.....I will post about Florence. I was able to travel to Florence for New Years Eve with a couple of my really good friends. My friend Naomi and her husband, Stacy (another nurse from here) and my good friend Amy from my last command flew up to meet us. Amy is on a deployment in Africa and was able to sneak away for 4 days of fun. And man...did we have fun. We drank way too much champagne, ate fantastic food, and saw all the sights. There was an awful hour and a half on New Years Eve, where I drank way too much and picked a horrible fight with my poor husband. I am ashamed of myself for acting that way, I should have known better that to drink so much when I had been feeling so out of control and tearful for the weeks leading up to that day. Thankfully I have learned my lesson and my hubby forgave me. It was truly embarrassing to lose my shit like that in front of all my friends. Thankfully they forgave me too! So here are some great pictures from our trip. The best part of all the traveling we have done is the beautiful pictures that I have collected. I have enjoyed learning to use our camera and making scrapbooks of the pictures after each trip. Enjoy!

Watch a Volcano erupt.......officially checked of my bucket list!

On Wednesday evening this week I was able to witness something I've been waiting for since we moved here. Sicily is home to Mt. Etna, the most active volcano in Europe, and on Wednesday night she put on quite a show for us. Sadly I had to work on Thursday morning and when my hubby tried to wake me up at 2am to see the real fireworks, I wouldn't get out of bed. But he got an awesome video of it. I'll try to post it soon.
In other news, I had the world's longest period this cycle. It started on Saturday night and just ended on Friday. WTF! I'm taking the letrozole again and trying not to care. My "friend" that's pregnant was so excited about her ultrasound pictures that she hunted me down at work to show them to me. I was hurt but I tried to be excited for her. I just don't understand how she can be so insensitive to me when she is the person that gives me my prescription of letrozole each month. It's like here's your pills because I know you're infertile, they probably won't work this month either, but look at my cute belly and check out my ultrasound pictures. It would be nice if she could throw in a little, "I know this must be hard for you" or "I'm praying for you and Sam". I guess I can't expect that from anyone these days!
I spent yesterday with my best girlfriend Naomi. She is leaving to move back to the states in about a month. I can't imagine getting through my days here without her. She has been such a blessing to me and a wonderful support through everything I've been going through. It's like she gets mad with me when I'm mad, and sad with me when I'm sad. We went to the Caleca factory in Patti yesterday. We each bought and entire set of dishes that are hand painted. Caleca is a sicilian factory that makes dishes for Willi.ams-Son.oma. We got a helluva deal and had such a good time digging through all the patterns. This is the pattern that Naomi got, I couldn't find a picture of mine online. I'll have to take one later. It is beautiful pottery though!