Thankful

As my first thanksgiving weekend off in years comes to a close, I sit at my computer pretty darn thankful. I'm thankful for Sam and the 7 years of ups and downs, laughing until we cry, fighting and making up, and support from each other. It hasn't been easy this year to be thankful but I am just the same. I'm also thankful that I have had 3 unmedicated and dare I say normal cycles over the last few months. I can't believe how much being on nights affected the length and normality of my cycles. I just ovulated yesterday and now begin my dreaded two week wait. I can get through it, but it definitely is not my favorite part of a cycle :) Good thing I have a paper and an exam to finish for school to distract me. And waiting for me at the end of my two weeks is fun command christmas party that I can't wait to get dressed up for.
We put up our tree on Friday and it looks amazing. I'll post pictures soon. My favorite part of christmas is sitting in a dark room with only the tree lights on. Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Always an Aunt, never a Mom.

My beautiful nephew Corbin was born today. I'm already in love with him, although I have not met him. I saw his beautiful face on sky.pe this afternoon and my heart instantly melted. I played the good aunt and friend, I asked how much he weighed, ooohhhed and ahhhed over his tiny toes and fingers, and listened to my BFF/sis in law's birth story. I smiled and felt true love for this tiny little man that I have never met. But when I hung up, I cried. I held my hubby and I cried. I hate feeling this way. So happy for my friend, but so sad and desperate for myself. I can't help but feel envy and pity for myself. I actually feel sorry for myself, how messed up is that?
The worst part is that my other friend here in sici.ly is ready to deliver any day too and I promised that I would be her nurse when she does. I'll have to relive this awful feeling again in a few days as I help bring her baby into this world. After that, I have no more close friends waiting to deliver. I'll just sit around and wait for the next pregnancy announcement and start this whole cycle all over again. Uggghhh.....when is it going to be our turn?

Avoiding everything...even my blog.

I've been avoiding everything lately and it has been easy so far. I have been away from home now for almost two weeks. I have so enjoyed my time in the states, learning about my new job, spending time with my niece and best friend, and shopping like money isn't an object. No matter how much you look forward to something like I have to this trip, it doesn't take away my sadness about my infertility. Frankly, seeing my very pregnant best friend, spending time with her beautiful daughter, and taking maternity pictures of their family was hard. Don't get me wrong, I love them all so much, but I was so reminded of how much she has and how little I have. Yeah...I'm jealous. She married Sam's brother, and although we have been together for 7 years, she managed to obtain everything I have ever wanted in my whole life in 2 and a half years. And they seem so happy. It would be easier to stomach if their life weren't so perfect. I am happy for them and I can't wait to meet my new nephew, but a part of me aches with envy for the family I may never have.
I think I'm being overly dramatic because I've been away from my hubby for two weeks. I miss him. I also started a bereavement conference for work today that lasts until Saturday. I cried like a baby today as we watched videos about loss and listened to stories from women who had babies that died shortly after birth. I felt like a fool. I have no right to truly grieve. They actually had children to miss, I'm just missing the life I thought I would have. I'm grieving the loss of my ability to bear children, to be a mother. It still hurts but I'm quite sure having a taste of motherhood and then having it taken away is far worse. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point, it's the ambivalence of the whole situation that is literally killing me.