Q&A

Not much going on at our house these days. I'm gonna do this Q&A passed on to me by "Such a good Egg". Thanks Egg!

(1) What is your dream occupation?

I honestly love being a nurse but I always wanted to be an event planner. Weddings, birthdays, 50th anniversaries, and even baby showers (well not these days though). I am very organized and creative with invitations and favors. I loved planning our wedding and I love helping others with theirs. Ahhhh....to dream!

(2) What is the best dish that you can cook?

I pretty much am the worst cook ever. I tend to burn things easily. I can make really good spicy chili that my dad taught me how to make. I also like to bake. I love making cookies and cheesecakes.

(3) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?

I was mentioned in my high school news paper and the channel 4 news in Wisconsin for starting rescue breathing on a girl who had a seizure in my 8th period math class. All that lifeguard training came in handy when her airway occluded during her seizure. I was awfully nervous when it happened, I look back now and I didn't really do much, just opened her airway and put her in the recovery position. Everyone thought I was a hero!

(4) what’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?

I worked for my husband's ex stepdad one summer selling food at Jazz in the Park and other local events. I worked every Thursday thru Sunday from 8am-12pm. I rolled all the sushi, loaded the truck, set up our tent, sold food, tore down the tent, and reloaded the truck. The kicker....I had to wash all the dishes we used at the end of the night after working all day. And all for a shitty $8/hr. Thank god I got my degree!

(5) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

I thought I'd be married by the time I was 25, and have at least one kid by the time I was 30. Sam was 23 and I was 25 when we married. I still think I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world. No kids yet, but I'm always working to change that.

(6) What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?

I hate taking out the trash. In Sicily they have community dumpsters every few blocks. You have to put that stinky trash in your car and then drive it to the dumpster. I swear to god I've seen rats over there before too! I also hate vacuuming for some strange reason.

I love organizing my closet. Getting rid of stuff, coordinating things by color, collecting all the empty hangers. I LOVE IT!

(7) What’s your earliest memory?

I remember camping with my dad and my aunts and uncles at Turtle lake. I think I was 4 or 5. I got to stay in a tent with my Aunt Ann and she was young at the time so I thought she was so cool. She died when I was 8 so I like to remember that weekend.

Catching Up

Hello all! I received a great comment from someone this week and I wanted to say thanks. Has anyone else tried the instead cups? I just wonder how successful they are. I couldn't find much information about them. We are still on a modified "break". If I ovulate we will try. Who knows when I'll ovulate? So I'm not trying to get too excited about anything. I can't pursue any new treatments. There isn't anywhere reliable here to get an IUI or even talk about IVF. So I am stuck and I'm working on being okay with this limbo. The therapy has been helping. I feel more aware of my irrational tendencies. I see my recovery time, from the grief I experience after a BFN, has decreased. I still feel sad, but I'm dealing with it better. I'm trying so hard not to let my sadness overtake my life.
I'm taking time now to focus on getting healthy. I've been spinning a couple of times a week and running the other days. I read The Infertility Cure while I was away on vacation. I've cut out coffee (which sucks) and alcohol (which sucks more) and most sugar (which is just awful). I figure if I'm ever going to give up having kids I want to say I tried everything. Since I am not able to pursue treatments I thought traditional chinese medicine might be a good option. I'm still trying to find an acupuncturist here in Sicily, but I know there are at least a few here, so that is good news! I'm not being too strict about all the dietary restrictions, I'm just cleaning up my diet little by little. I feel pretty good so far.
I also wanted to share a little about Barcelona. We had such a fantastic time. We took a private walking tour in the gothic quarter which was amazing. Our guide took us all over and explained little things we never would have found on our own. We enjoyed Guell Parc on one of our days there and we also did a wine tour in the country side. The tapas were delicious and the sangria was fantastic! I'll definitely go back again someday. I'll leave you with a few pictures from our trip. Have a great weekend everyone!

I hate Spotting!

I'm Rose. I never spot before my period, and if I do it's for like 4 hours. This is how it is. This is how it should be. This week my body through me for a loop. Since we timed intercourse and tried to have a no big deal approach to trying from now on, I somehow thought (in my crazy head) that THIS would be our month. Even though I told everyone we weren't trying anymore and even told Sam that we wouldn't be trying aggressively anymore...I was still trying. I still peed on my OPK, jumped my husbands bones when I needed to, and have been obsessively buying and peeing on home pregnancy tests. I'm sick, I need addiction help. I started spotting on Wed, just barely there brownish discharge for 2 days, then nothing, then reappears, then goes away again. Now mind you, this is all starting on 9 days post ovulation. This timing and light spotting that I never get leads me to think...IMPLANTATION BLEEDING. But alas no! I got my period this morning. Full on normal Rose period. This sucks!
I cried and cried the other night when I got my negative. I told Sam how it literally hurts me. How when I think about never having children I get this hard pit in my chest that literally aches and causes me so much pain. It felt good to cry. But I still can't let go of the grief I feel over not having a family of my own and over never being able to achieve a pregnancy.
I don't know where to go from here. I want to give up for awhile, think about other things, be happy with the life I have. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that will be all I need to get pregnant. My hope wains but it won't die. I want a family. I want to experience the joy of having a newborn baby cuddle up on my chest. I want to teach someone to read, ride a bike, and carve pumpkins. I don't want to miss out on all of those things, I will probably never give up my dream.

+ OPK!!!!!

So I got my positive late on Saturday night/Sunday morning. On the upside of things I really am starting to know my body and I am super impressed by that. I noticed my specific symptoms and I am so happy that I was right about it. I also ovulated earlier than all my cycles on clomid (it was day 18) and I did it all on my own!!! No meds!!! This is exciting to me because my cycles have never been consistent and have NEVER been less than 35 days, ever. They've even been as long as 6 months and anywhere in between. I really think it has something to do with the fact that I have been purposefully focusing on anything and everything but having a baby. Yes, I've had my weak moments (aka using OPK's). But I'm still consciously trying to think about other stuff and not let getting pregnant stress me out. On the downside of things, in order to contribute to my effort of "being on a break", the hubs and I only had sex once during my fertile time. I didn't want to force it and I'm sick of TTC ruining our sex life. Everything is so mechanical so not spontaneous or even sexy. Sex has become strictly babymaking and I don't want that and I'm quite sure he doesn't either. The one time we did have was good, like us pre TTC good, and that is all that matters.
I had another therapy appt today and it went really well. We talked a lot about infertility again, the sense of loss, the effect on the marriage. But we also got into my childhood and she asked if next time we could talk about how I became who I am. I lost my dad when I was 19 and he was an alcoholic. I think a lot of who I am, the caretaker and the strong one, is due to the way I grew up. I think I'm ready to delve into why I get so depressed when things get tough. Hopefully there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Well....I'm off to pack. Barcelona here I come! Have a great week everyone!

Taking a break ain't easy!

So I know, I'm on a break from TTC. I'm not on any meds, I have no treatments planned, but I'm still peeing on OPK's this week for some stupid reason. My nips started hurting a few days ago (sorry for the TMI) and I had a little EWCM and I just pull out my left over OPK's and started marking my territory. I just don't want to pass up any opportunity that I ovulate on my own. I haven't counted out my cycle days this month in an effort to really try and forget about all this pregnancy and baby business, but I know it hasn't quite been 3 weeks yet from the start of my cycle. I
f I ovulate this early on my own, I should be proud!!! I haven't gotten a positive yet, but it is getting a little darker each day. I usually ovulate between day 17-21 on clomid, but much much later on my own. We'll see what happens. Am I silly for doing this? My hubs saw one of my sticks laying out and scolded me, but he said he understands. It doesn't hurt to try on our own. It probably won't happen anyway.
In other news I had my second session with my therapist last tuesday. We talked a lot about my childhood and my marriage. I expect a lot out of everyone, including myself, and I have to adjust my expectations to something more realistic. It's one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. Accepting that life can't be perfect or thinking that you deserve some perfection after a life of hardship is just not realistic. Shitty things are going to happen, good things are going to happen. I have to work with what I have and deal with the rest, and then let all that bad stuff go. It's tough stuff that's for sure!
I've been having a rough week at work this week too. I had 3 12 hour night shifts in a row and we were so busy! Our tiny hospital usually does about 10 deliveries a month ( we only have 3 delivery rooms). In two days we did 5 deliveries, it was madness. I was the only nurse on, plus we had other three other medical patients on the floor. I felt like I was a real nurse again. I love labor and delivery and I had a good weekend with all the women. I don't feel jealous at work, for some reason, I just enjoy it. I got to snuggle on a bunch of babies which always helps. My job is great...sometimes! I was so tired that I just crashed out when I got home this morning and slept all day into the afternoon. It was fantastic.
I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!