Attitudinal

When ever I get snippy with Sam, he always says "Stop being attitudinal!" I don't even know if it is a real word but it always makes me laugh. I've been feeling awfully attitudinal lately. Things are just setting me off, making me upset. I'm trying to brush it off but I think the reality of our situation is really starting to irk me. I hate that we have no options. I hate that we have 3 chances left and then no fricking options. I feel so desperate, like I would try anything if it would give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I'm even going to try the mucinex thing this month. Am I crazy? I just feel like I'm so limited in every other area that I will do anything that I physically can do to try and increase my chances of having a family. I'm seriously that desperate....

I'm also avoiding my pregnant friend at work. She heard that I had been quilting and asked the girl that I learned from if she could join us to make a baby quilt. I felt completely deflated. I can't do that with her. I don't want to watch her make a quilt for her baby. It's torturous. Am I evil? I just know that seeing baby things (blankets, onsies, little socks, boppies) they all disturb a terribly emotional place inside of me. They unleash the flood of tears and pain that I am trying so hard to ignore. I don't want anyone to know this pain that I carry around. I don't want anyone to see me falling apart. And I definitely don't want to be "that girl". You know the one that everyone is sick of, the one that fixates on what she can't have (marriage, better job, kids). I don't need their pity and I don't want it. I should probably just suck it up like I do when I have to go to baby showers, but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I know I'll fall apart.

I am cycle day 7 today. I'm taking my letrozole, I had a day 4 u/s (no cysts) and now I wait until next friday for my next u/s. Hopefully this cycle will work. Hopefully!