Hiking, Humping, and Heineken

I did a little of one and a lot of the other two....can you guess. Ha! I'm 5 days post ovulation, I think. I never got a really good positive. The line was darker but the whole strip was just lighter than it usually is. I peed on a zillion strips but none of them looked like they usually do. Oh well. I'm kind of digging my "I don't give a shit attitude" lately. I really just have no hope so I'm not paying attention as much this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I analyze a twinge or get teary thinking that this won't work. But I've pretty much accepted that I am in dire need of assistance to get pregnant. These last few cycles are just a formality and I know that if the drug was going to work for me it would have happened by now. But just the same, I gave this cycle the good old college try and humped my husband when I needed to :)

We also bought a case of heineken this week and I have been indulging in a lovely brew each evening. It has been heaven, don't judge me :)

And finally we had a fantastic hike at this beautiful reserve in southern sicily called Cava Grande del Cassible. We hiked 1.5 miles down hill (a little dangerous, never would people be allowed to go down this trail in the states) to this beautiful river and rapids that turned into a waterfall and two beautiful pools. It was a hard hike up and down but totally worth it and so fun!

I'm finally getting caught up at work and feeling more settled, just in time for my next class to start! I'm taking health care policy this semester, YIPPPEEE, Not! I can't wait to be done with my graduate program, but at this one class per quarter rate, I'll be 60 by the time I'm done. Oh well, it's good for me right?

In other news, my half brother will be coming out to visit me this fall and I couldn't be more excited. I have probably only seen my brother Tony 10x in my whole life. In the last 10 years I have only seen him twice, once at my wedding and once at my dad's funeral. We haven't had a great relationship because of my dad's alcoholism and the close relationship that I had with my dad. My dad was not a good father to Tony, he made no effort to be close with him as his alcoholism progressed. But it's been wonderful getting to know him and healing our relationship. We've been keeping in touch on facebook and emailing. I was so surprised and so touched that he wanted to come out and visit. When we told everyone we were coming to Italy everyone wanted to visit, promised to visit. Only my mother has been here so far. It's annoying. It's such a great opportunity for our families to get out of the states and see the world, and all they've come up with is a lot of excuses. Tony and his girlfriend Tina (who is awesome too) are planning on meeting us in Munich for Oktoberfest and then flying down to Sicily to visit with us. I'm so happy to have something great to look forward to.

Everybody's Working for the Weekends.

I have always worked shift work, 12 hour shift work, since I
graduated from college and joined the navy in 2005. I always worked weekends and holidays and had full glorious days off during the week. As much as I complained sometimes about working weekends and holidays, those wednesdays and thursdays off in the middle of the week were heavenly. I miss them. I currently work 7:30AM-4pm Mon-Fri and frankly I miss my shift work. Don't get me wrong. I finally don't have work nights which is great and I'm able work out more frequently and regularly and Sam and I eat dinner together at night, which is new. But I really miss my frequent days off and my ability to sleep in. I LIVE for my weekends lately. And it has been crazy at work lately. I've been running around and have a zillion projects to complete. I just really miss patient care and being a real nurse. Administrative nursing is just not for me. Only 13 months to go.....hopefully!
On the infertility front, I've been taking the stupid mucinex 3x a day for the last few days. I had an u/s yesterday showing a 28x22 follicle on the right side (which I think was measured at a wierd angle because if it's really that big it should have ovulated by now, right?) I'm not hopeful. I'm not anything. I know it won't work so I'm trying really hard not to give a shit. I haven't even peed on any OPK's yet and it's cycle day 16. I am so aware of when I ovulate now that I don't even need those stupid pieces of shit anymore. I guess it's just confirmation, I'm sure it'll be happening this weekend, and we'll go through the motions, and two weeks from now my stupid period will be here again. Sighhhhhh.....
I have bigger fish to fry, like losing a couple pounds before it's time for the navy to weigh me again, and kicking ass on my push up test this year, and making the house feel like a home, and finishing my travel scrapbook, and planning trips, and learning to play guitar. I have a lot of good stuff to keep me busy that I should be doing. Instead I sit and wallow and cry and wonder how trying to have a child has ruined my sex life and my will to live. Ugghhhh!
Seriously though....I have started working with a trainer at our gym, and she is awesome! She pushes to me outside my comfort zone. I always did cardio and abs and hated lifting. But she makes me lift constantly without rest and with spurts of cardio for an hour twice a week. I've never felt stronger(or more sore!) than I have in the last 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for not pushing this off because "I might get pregnant". My life is now, and if I'm not out there living it, then I am missing it.

Watching someone hurt

I think I have a pretty good understanding of pain in my life. I lost my dad to alcoholism when I was 19, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, and I'm an infertile labor and delivery nurse, need I say more. Not only do I know some pain but I'm ironic as well :) Four years of crying over the pregnancy that will never come. Feeling your hopeful self crumble into a mess with each and every one line pregnancy test and each surprising period that comes your way. I've watched my best friend give birth to a baby with my husband's very fertile brother. I've designed invitations for baby showers for friends, and made blankets, and held these beautiful miracles all with tears in my eyes. I keep going, I keep my head down, I hold secret hope that my turn will come....eventually.
Apparently I enjoy pain because, I also started a bereavement program for parents that have lost pregnancies, have delivered a preterm baby resulting in a death, or delivered a stillbirth. I was trained to help these women through some serious pain. I knew that a lot of nurses at my work were highly uncomfortable taking care of women in these situations. But I enjoyed it, I felt for these women, I cried with these women, I enabled them to make choices and make memories of their children. It isn't easy to be this their rock, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would rather put myself through a little pain to help these women, than to have them be stuck with a nurse that doesn't know how to help them or doesn't want to help them.
I met with one of the dr's at work today because she experienced her 5th miscarriage this year. She was in agony. It hurt so bad just for me to see her hurt. I wonder if that is how people see me when I cry about my infertility. Not pity, just pain, actual pain to see someone losing faith in life and love, to feel like they'll never smile again. I just sat and listened to her, and let her cry. She thanked me several times for listening to her. When you're in pain I guess that's all you really want anyway. Someone to tell you you're not crazy. To assure you that you have a right to feel the way you do.
It feels good to use my own pain to help ease someone elses. Something good from something bad, right? Say a prayer for my friend today...she can use the good vibes.

Attitudinal

When ever I get snippy with Sam, he always says "Stop being attitudinal!" I don't even know if it is a real word but it always makes me laugh. I've been feeling awfully attitudinal lately. Things are just setting me off, making me upset. I'm trying to brush it off but I think the reality of our situation is really starting to irk me. I hate that we have no options. I hate that we have 3 chances left and then no fricking options. I feel so desperate, like I would try anything if it would give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I'm even going to try the mucinex thing this month. Am I crazy? I just feel like I'm so limited in every other area that I will do anything that I physically can do to try and increase my chances of having a family. I'm seriously that desperate....

I'm also avoiding my pregnant friend at work. She heard that I had been quilting and asked the girl that I learned from if she could join us to make a baby quilt. I felt completely deflated. I can't do that with her. I don't want to watch her make a quilt for her baby. It's torturous. Am I evil? I just know that seeing baby things (blankets, onsies, little socks, boppies) they all disturb a terribly emotional place inside of me. They unleash the flood of tears and pain that I am trying so hard to ignore. I don't want anyone to know this pain that I carry around. I don't want anyone to see me falling apart. And I definitely don't want to be "that girl". You know the one that everyone is sick of, the one that fixates on what she can't have (marriage, better job, kids). I don't need their pity and I don't want it. I should probably just suck it up like I do when I have to go to baby showers, but I don't want to put myself in a situation where I know I'll fall apart.

I am cycle day 7 today. I'm taking my letrozole, I had a day 4 u/s (no cysts) and now I wait until next friday for my next u/s. Hopefully this cycle will work. Hopefully!

Running, Quilting, and Crying

Hey everyone. I'm still here. Still not pregnant. Still hanging in there. I got my period finally....two days late. Just to mess with me. I'm cycle day 3 today but I can't start meds until I have an U/S tomorrow. My Dr. wants to make sure I don't have any cysts since I had two follies last cycle. Two follies and no baby, WTF?!? I'm trying really hard not to be bitter, but to be thankful instead. I'm hurting though, I've been crying a lot and just feeling really down. I'm just realizing that I have three chances left to get pregnant "on my own" with just the help of a simple, easy pill. I never really thought I would need more intervention than a little clomid or something. It's just another thing for me to grieve over. I never realized that getting pregnant the normal way was ever that important to me, until it was taken away. Well it's just another thing for me to get used to, right?

In keeping with my distraction theme, I sewed all the borders onto my quilt. Here is the finished front. I still have to add the backing, the batting, and the binding and then I actually get to quilt the entire thing. I'm so excited to see the finished product!


I also ran the base to base run yesterday. It's an annual event each March for the base. It's a 7.6 mile run. Last year, I only ran about 3 miles of it. This year I ran 7 miles! I was so proud of myself. Sammy ran too, for the first time in about 5 years. Of course I've been training and he just went out there and ran it, and he still beat me! It was fun, but I am definitely hurting today. Here are some pictures from Saturday.

Giving up on this cycle.

I've given up, officially on this cycle. Peed on a stick yesterday and today BFN both times. I knew it. This drug will probably not work. I need more help, I need IVF or IUI or something. It's soooooo frustrating because I'm so hopeful in the beginning of the cycle and so hurt and cynical by the end of the cycle. I guess I'll just be waiting until Wed or Thursday when I will finally get my stupid period. This sucks. I just wish so badly that I could experience that moment where that stupid test would show anything but that sad one lonely control line.
I was attacked yesterday with another fa.cebook pregnancy announcement. Ugggghhhh! It just happens so easily for some people, and it makes me crazy jealous. I hate feeling like this.
In other news, I finished piecing together most of my quilt. All I have left to do is the binding and the backing and then the actual quilting part. It looks awesome, I'm excited to have quilting as something to distract me. This week will be stressful because I work in patient safety and it is patient safety awareness week. I have stuff planned at work all week including a training for all the hospital staff where I have to teach a power point presentation. I am so nervous! I've been thinking about it all week. I hate talking in front of people, but I have to do this. Once this is over I'm going to relax and regroup and start thinking about other stuff besides patient safety and my infertility. I must get out of this slump. I feels so bad about myself. I feel like a huge let down to everyone....Sam, my mom, his mom, myself. I just need some good news in my life.

1 week in and I'm going nutso!

Today is 7dpo. I'm going bat shit crazy! I've been feeling really hopeful this cycle and I just want it to be late enough for me to test....but it's not. SIGH. I'm hanging in there though. I am a little worried about the timing of everything. This might be a little TMI but....I had fertile CM the 2 days before and the day of my +opk, we did the deed all those days. Then the day after I was dry as a bone and fell asleep early so we did nothing. Isn't that the important day? The day after the +opk. I feel like I've tried it all ways: days before, day of, days after, all days, no days. Anyway I've done it it never frickin works! Who knows.
I've been so worn out this week too. I've been running a lot, everyday almost. It feels great but when I get home I want to eat and then hit the bed. I'm starting with a personal trainer next week. I figure my life is full of irony. What's more ironic than paying $400 for a trainer and then finding out a week later you're pregnant? I wouldn't be upset...I promise :)