Back to just me

I'm back in Italy trying to finish up the last 5 month stretch. I had a rough week transition. I wasn't jet lagged. I wasn't tired. I wasn't trying to catch up. I was depressed. I still kind of am. It was so hard leaving Sam again. I didn't sleep in our bed for awhile because it was just too sad for me to be in there alone after spending 13 nights together again. I almost wish I hadn't gone home because I the pain of being apart again is much worse now than it was when he first left. All this time apart has taught me two important things 1) I am never doing this again (unless it is for a deployment) and 2) He means so much more to me than I ever thought. You don't realize how much you want or need someone in your life until they are taken away from you. I just want to be with him, he doesn't have to talk or even look at me.....I just want to sit next to him and hold his hand for another 10 minutes :(

I'm starting to feel a little better today. I finally slept well the last two nights and am getting out and doing stuff with other people again. I don't want to turn into a depressed hermit! I have to keep busy. And although I was hopeful on some level that I would be pregnant after our little visit, I started spotting today which means my period will be here again soon. I thought I had the right to be hopeful between the fertility rock, the letrozole, all the sex we had, and the poor timing it would be if I actually did get pregnant (since Sam wouldn't be around for most of it). But alas no....I have to stop even thinking that we could ever get pregnant on our own. These little shreds of hope send me into despair when I get my stupid period. I can't do anything. I feel so stuck in this childless abyss. Everyone continues to get pregnant, and then get pregnant again, and have beautiful talented children and I'm just stuck. Sigh.....