Another one bites the dust

I just received a call from my best friend Naomi. A call I new was coming since she took out her IUD in January. She's pregnant and really excited. I am excited for her, but hurting so much for us. Why does it have to feel this way. Can I rewind to 5 years ago, when someone would tell me they were pregnant and all I could do was grin and think about how I was going to spoil the crap out of that brand new baby? How I would spend all my money and time buying things for them, making sure they were comfortable, planning the shower? I miss feeling happy for people who are pregnant, not jealous. It just kills me that they only tried for 4 months and BAM! she's got a bun in the oven. I feel so foolish. I feel so useless. I feel so scared. Who am I to ever think that I would be lucky enough to have a child? Where do I even get off hoping to have a baby with my husband? It happens to others, not to me. I must have done something in my life to deserve this pain. I'm not entitled to having a child, it is a privilage that I will never know. I just can't figure out how to accept this and move on from the jealousy that I feel towards all the women that get pregnant without trying. 4 long years of longing for a family. 4 long years of stress and pain and tears. I have a good life, why is that not enough? I hope this new pregnancy will not make me lost my best friend. I can't stand any more grief.