Feeling Low...

I feel like shit today. I took a test this morning at 11 days post ovulation. I knew it would be negative but it still completely devastated me. I feel like giving up hope. I am so frickin depressed. I guess I figured the more negative I was about this cycle, the more it would (hopefully) end in a better light. Like if I finally gave up and stopped trying it would finally happen. But now I see what is truly happening...nothing. Nothing is going to happen. My body is flawed, I will never get pregnant on my own. And more likely than not I will never get pregnant. I just feel so low. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My husband plays on the hospital softball team with my doctor. Yesterday they had a game and my doctor asked him how I was doing. Sam told him that we wanted to take a break if this cycle didn't work and that I had been pretty sad lately. My doctor actually said that he had been thinking about me and that he tries not to get emotionally involved with his patients but he can't help it with me, probably because we work together and are friends. It felt good to know that he cares, but it doesn't change the situation. I am infertile. I will never get pregnant. And I truly feel like giving up. I will never be a mom. I will never be filled with the joy of a hug or a smile from your child. I will never see my husbands dance with our baby or see him light up when our child walks for the first time. We will have quiet empty birthdays and christmas', we will have no grandchildren or warm family memories. It will be just the two of us growing old alone and probably dying alone. Man this is morbid! I hate feeling like this. It sucks....

Beach Bum

I spent today at the beach...again. I must say my tan is looking mighty fine. Frankly, I'd do anything right about now to postpone thinking about all the negative tests I've taken lately. I'm 10 days post ovulation and all my tests have been without that coveted second line. This month blows! I was so hopeful and now I just feel like a fool. My turn is not coming, and I will be chasing this pipe dream of pregnancy for the rest of my life. My period should be here by sunday and then I can officially start my break from TTC. This break is going to involve training for a marathon and drinking copious amounts of wine. Hopefully these two feats will give me some perspective on my life and what it really means to me. Like I have said before I am lucky in so many ways. How can I let this one failure in my life define who I am or how happy I am? It isn't right. Looks like I'll also be getting that HSG that I have been avoiding for 3 years. Damn!
Looking forward to feeling happy and free from worry again, we'll see when that happens. Have a great weekend. I'll be at work, ughhh!

Murder of a Millionaire...

I spent the weekend in a remote sicilian town at a winery playing one of those murder mystery games. What a blast! I admit I was a skeptic but it was so much fun. And I actually guessed who the murder was-BONUS! We laid by the pool during the day and spent today by the beach. We had an amazing sicilian meal and spent time with some great people. And the wine, oh the wine! Don't judge me please...I did indulge in several glasses of wine. I live in Italy and if I don't ever drink the wine because I'm always trying to have a baby, I know I'll never forgive myself. Of course once I'm pregnant I will no longer partake, but three years have passed and there was a decent amount of drinking going on throughout that time that I would have missed out on (there are also a few hangovers I wish I had missed out on!) I bought 6 bottles of wine and it would be my luck that I wouldn't be able to drink them...because dare I say it hopefully I am currently pregnant. I try and trick myself with things like that, like even if it's another BFN at least I'll have something to look forward to even if it's just wine.
I'm doing okay though this 2ww. It definitely is not going by quickly. I've been having sharp pains in my abdomen on the right side when I stand up. I'm definitely a little crampy, and the nips are not getting any less tender. Who knows though, my mind has played many tricks on me before. I'm trying to be hopeful but again truthfully I have a lot to look forward to and it would be pitiful for me to focus on another failure. I'm heading back to the states for two weeks. I'm going to see my best friends, my mom, I have two wedding to attend, and I can finally eat and shop in a country where I speak the language. Those are all good things to keep me going if I start getting sad. And if by chance I am lucky enough to be pregnant, I can share the news with everyone I love, in person, which means the world to me. I'll just leave it at I am trying to remain hopeful :) Have a good week everyone!

Finally some good news!

This has been a good week for us. Sam finally had a follow up SA (after two years!) and it went well. His count was 82 million (a 60 million improvement) and his morphology was 86% normal and motility was 50%. The motility is a little low but with a count like that who cares. You only need one right? I must admit I was relieved and happy to hear his count was so good but a little sad to carry the burden of infertility on my own. It really is "my fault" now. Sam tells me not to feel that way but I can't help it.
I just returned from my u/s (cycle day 17) and had two follicles on my left(23mm and 20mm) and one on my right (20mm). That's the most I've had and the largest ones I've had. So I should be ovulating this weekend, let the sex marathon begin :)
I almost feel hopeful today, I'm sure that will pass though.
In other news...I've been really good all week counting weight wat.chers points with a friend of mine at work and have been working out consistently. I'm happy to say I've lost 2# already! I'd like to lose about 20# but it'll take me awhile. It just feels good to be motivated and get moving. I've been laying on my couch a little too much this past year.

Mother's Day Blows...when you're far from home and still not pregnant.

It isn't even really mother's day here in Italy. We don't have american TV so there are no reminder commercials. We have no stores here like Target or Hallmark. I almost avoided the whole day like I had planned. But there is always fac.ebook to remind you that you are infertile, joyless, and completely incapable of being happy for others. There were about 300 "Happy mothers day to all the mothers out there" messages by the time I went to sleep last night. I used to be one of those people. Honoring the mothers, especially my own, used to be really important to me. I know what a hard but rewarding job it is...well obviously not first hand:( But for some reason, I am so jealous and bitter that I can't even muster up enough self control or politeness to say it to anyone, except for my own mother. I would rather say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you don't deserve it and all you do is complain." Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
I didn't even get to talk to my own mother yesterday (the little cutie to your right). I called 3x, no one answered, no one called me back. The 7 hour time difference and my family's complete lack of technical knowledge prevent me from getting any calls from them. Sk.ype is not that hard to use people! But I figured I'd talk about my wonderful mother a little bit. My mom is fantastic, crazy, annoying, loving, and spontaneous. These are all things that I love and hate about her. She raised me and my two brothers on her own. She never relied on anyone and made herself successful without having parents of her own and without help from anyone. My mom is tough as nails and says it like it is. She swears like a sailor when she's mad, she has bouts of mania where she cleans and laughs and cries, and she is the best snuggler I know. When I go home, I still go lay in my mom's bed with her so we can snuggle. My mom has no husband or partner. She never complains. She always tries to make the best out of things. I admire her and aspire to be like her. Happy Mother's Day Mom. You're the only mother that means anything to me today. Thanks for the support.

Disappointment, but really what else is new?

Hello again, I am back. Currently on cycle day 12 and still have about a week to go until I even ovulate. I loathe my long cycles. Waiting is torture and I have had more than enough. DH is getting his second SA on Tuesday. First one was about a year and half ago and was on the low end of normal (22 million-with excellent motility and morphology). My doctor just wants to make sure we aren't dealing with crappy sperm too. I don't think that's the issue, I'm sure I'm the culprit to blame. My doctor also wanted me to take my clomid two extra days, which I have never heard of, in hopes of stimulating my follicles to grow a little more quickly. I was worried about over stimulation so I only did one extra day. So I'll start my OPK's tomorrow and have my U/S Wednesday morning. I am going into this cycle without hope, knowing that it will fail and looking forward to my upcoming break from all things infertility. The sad part is that I still hope that maybe if I can make myself not want it so badly it will finally happen. Is that weird? Everyone says it will happen when you stop trying, how do you stop trying? How do you keep yourself from wanting something so badly?I'm still suffering with some jealousy and anger about all my pregnant friends. I hate Face.book! I'm sick of all the complaining postings about nausea and exhaustion and getting fat. People don't use it for what it is really for, to stay connected to people. They use it as an outlet to brag about how fabulous their life and husbands and children are. I'm a firm believer that if you need to talk it up all the time, it must not be that good :) I sat and listened to a co-worker this morning talk about how cute her daughter is, how sick she is with this pregnancy, and how her house isn't big enough for her every growing family. Uggghhhh! I want to care about my friends. I know how important a new child is in their life. I know that world definitely doesn't revolve around me and my sadness. I'm focusing on my own sadness and losing the best part of myself. I used to be caring and compassionate. Now I feel spiteful and jealous and just plain ugly. I don't want to get close to anyone because I feel constant disappointment. I recognize my evil thoughts and never speak them, but how do I keep from feeling this way?Besides all my bitching...I did have a really great time on leave in Amsterdam. My husband enjoyed it more than anyone as he was the only one able to partake in the coffee shop experience. But the city was a amazing and it was Queens Day so everyone was in full party mode. I loved it! I drank a lot of great beer, at great food, and laughed my ass off with one of the funniest girls I know. We weren't able to make it to Brugges so I was a little disappointed but it just gives me an excuse to go back someday. Since we've moved here I've been trying to sharpen my photography skills and put to use all the beautiful scenery here. Let me know what you think?