Defeat!?!?

The last few days have sucked. I'm afraid to even say that because it can always get worse and it usually does. I'm in an especially foul mood because I was trying to take a certification exam for work. I was supposed to go to Spain with a friend for 4 days during which time we would take our test. I made a mistake on my application and the company will not help me and is keeping most of the fees I submitted. I'm out $215!!! And I don't get to go to Spain for the test. And they may not let all the other people who submitted applications for the test, take the test because without me there aren't enough candidates. I feel like a total JERK!!! The company doesn't have a customer service line and all questions and complaints are filtered through email, which sucks! So now I'm stressed about that.

Then...I went in for my U/S yesterday. No +opk's yet and I'm on cycle day 17 today. My dr. "thinks" its a follicle but said it may be a biforkated cyst. So I have to just wait and see if I ovulate and still try just in case to time intercourse. If I get my period, he wants to do a cycle day 3 U/S to make sure it is gone. More waiting... I knew the six rounds of clomid I've done wasn't good for me. When I told Sam about the possible cyst he got upset for the first time. He doesn't want my OB managing my infertility treatments anymore. He thinks he isn't qualified enough, and he's probably right. However, we have so little options. And Sam seems so resistant to going out in town to the Italian RE. Maybe this will open his mind a little.

I'm just going to try and relax. Let go of all the crap I can't change. I hope it takes away this awful mood I've been in.

Still here...

Hello all! Hope everyone is doing well out there. I'm hanging in there, cycle day 14. I've completed my cycle days 5-9 of 100mg of clomid. I'm having the same hot flashes, at night especially, and am having a lot of headaches this time. The hot flashes suck because it's been hot here everyday and we only have one A/C unit in our house (thankfully its in the bedroom). Plus my little pup Satchel is a heater and he has to lay next to his momma, ALWAYS :)
I have my U/S scheduled for Friday(cycle day 16) because my Dr was on vacation. And honestly, even though I always start using OPK's on cycle day 12 I have never gotten a + before cycle day 16. I was thinking about asking for a trigger injection this time. I've never had one but maybe that would help me hit my fertile window. I just feel like we are always missing our mark. I don't feel that way during the fertile time, but each time I see that BFN I always feel like we could have done something differently. Oh well...just have to wait and see.
In other news to keep myself busy I have been studying for a certification exam in Inpatient Obstetrics. If my paperwork goes through I'll be heading to Spain in September for my exam. I'm excited to see the other naval base and to have my certification out of the way. I'm also midway through my master's statistics course, which is awful! I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how awful I am at math :( How did I manage to get through undergrad? My nephew that had the traumatic brain injury last year got his "skully" put back on last week and went home from the hospital yesterday. Hurray! He was wearing a helmet for the last few months after he got an infection and had to have his bone flap removed. He's excited to lose the helmet and have his skully (bone flap as he calls it) back.
I'm also in the midst of planning our next few trips. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I wish I didn't have so much hope each cycle because I always think "I'll be this far along when we go on this trip, if this cycle works". It messes with my head. I have a few days of leave in September and am deciding between Prague and Barcelona. We also have a ski trip planned for February with some friends. Having the trips to look forward to keeps me focused and excited and breaks up the long three years that we will be here in Sicily. It also provides a welcome distraction from TTC. I'm off to day dream about Czech beer and Sangria, Spanish guitar, and foreign cities.....

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder why infertility has interrupted your life, changed your plans, stolen your happiness? I do. I wonder why so many of my fellow bloggers are plagued with the burden of being infertile. I wonder why everyone has a friend (or 7 ) that has tried and tried for years. I wonder if plastic bottles, or poor diet, or the technology of infertility has morphed us seemingly normal healthy people into sad sacks of human beings incapable of producing or carrying life. I wonder if I hadn't been on birth control for 10 years if this would be happening to me? I wonder if my mother had used glass bottles when I was a baby instead of plastic ones would this be happening to me? I wonder if I only at organic and was able to lose these nagging 25 pounds of weight gain would I finally be able to conceive? And then I feel guilty because I wonder if I didn't worry and stress about it so much than maybe it could happen. Or maybe I'm not really doing everything that I could to make it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of wine during my 2WW, or run during my 2WW, or maybe I should have stayed laying down for 30 minutes after we get it on.
I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of wishing my life away. I'm sick of deluding myself into thinking that people with kids are happier and better people than myself. I want to be a mom. I have an ache in my chest to have a little one of my own, to feel like a real family that I never had a chance to be a part of. But when I am truly honest, I know I won't be a different happier person when I do have a family. People with kids don't have better marriages or better memories. They just have different ones. Ones that I want to have in addition to the life I have now. I have things that those families want too! I sleep in every day that I have off, I've traveled all over Europe, I have money to spend on things that I want, and I have time to devote to what I like. Neither lifestyle is perfect. Childless or parent...both have challenges. I have appreciated my childless life, I took advantage, I lived it up! But now I'm so ready for the next step.
Tomorrow I start clomid cycle #6. This is really only cycle #4 because the 1st two cycles I didn't respond, but the last three I did. I don't know what to do differently this cycle. Any suggestions? I feel like I tried to "do it" every day, every other day and I'm not sure which is better. My Dr says everyday is fine with Sam's count. I just feel like I'm missing my window every time. Either that or my CM is hostile or something! I'm not looking forward to the hot flashes in the 100 degree weather we've been having. But what can I do?

This sucks!

So I knew it was a long shot, and the 4 times I POAS this week should have got me ready for it. But I still had tears in my eyes when I got my period this morning. I just was so hoping it would be my turn. But alas, not my turn....again. I'm trying to look forward but it is so hard to be continually stuck in the same childless position. I loathe fa.cebook and the complaining posts of all my friends regarding their children and pregnancies. It's literally painful!
I spoke with my Dr today and looks like our only choice is more clomid at this point. He thinks because I was responding "so well" that it is our best option. I am stuck with this because we are in Italy and our hospital is so small. Any IUI's, injectible cycles, or IVF will be out of pocket and out in town. Our only bonus is that IVF is cheaper here with the same success rates, only about $7000! But still, the fact that I would have to pay for my own child, it just doesn't sit well with me. Who knows where we'll be a year from now?
I'm going to keep myself busy with school, a certification test I have to take coming up, and planning our next European adventure. I'm thinking Spain :) We also have an old school party to go to tomorrow night. I have a huge afro to wear and a hideous 70's dress. I'm hoping it will keep my mind off things.

I am weak....

My new sister in law (and BFF) and her daughter Addison.

I know I've been missing...it's because I'm ashamed. Ashamed that on my break month I peed on three ovulation test sticks (one of which was positive :), noticed when I had EWCM, and timed intercourse. What kind of a break month is that????? I am proud of myself that I ovulated on my own though :)
I've also been missing because I was home in the States for the last 15 days, you know the good old USA (also known as heaven when you've lived in a foreign country). I had so much fun and I so didn't want to come back. While I was home I attended two weddings, took care of my mom, saw all 5 of my little nieces or nephews, drank with my girlfriends, ate what I wanted, and felt happy for the first time in so long. Just being with people that I know and love meant the world to me and made me feel so much like the old me, the good me. Sam and I got to spend some time together and we are doing well. I survived the wedding with the three pregnant bellies and I handled myself with dignity and confidence as everyone of my relatives asked me when we were going to have a baby and responded "I know it will happen for you", when I gave them the down and dirty on our infertility. It was so hard but I took the beatings and kept on going. My mother in law was the worst, and I know she didn't mean to be. But....she said that it just must not be our time, things will happen when they are supposed to. Then why do people get pregnant from a one night stand? Is that their time to have a baby? I don't buy it.

The best part of being home was seeing my nephew Evan and my new little niece Addy. Evan had a traumatic brain injury in September last year and has been living without half of his skull for the last 3 months due to an infection. I was so happy to see he is the same happy, rambunctious, and fun little boy he used to be, just with a helmet on! And Addy has so much personality and character. She took to me right away and that sweet little girl melted my heart. While her parents danced their first dance at their wedding they gave Addy to me. I danced and sang to her with tears in my eyes and she fell right asleep. Being with her made me even more passionate about being a mother. I don't know exactly where we are headed next but the end result will be a family for Sam and I.Sam and his brother (the groom) Darien.

Sam and his beautiful sister Gabrielle.

Me and my Addy!

With my twin nieces Payton and Taylor!

My mom and Evan.