Pushing it out of my mind.

I know I've been a little absent lately, and for that I do apologize. I haven't even been reading or commenting that much anymore. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and push the sadness out of my mind. Yeah, I'm still sad. I still think about my infertility everyday. I still hate that we are so far away from any form of testing or treatment. I soothe myself with a daily mantra that "it just isn't our turn yet". I like to think that someone upstairs has things he still wants us to do, to strengthen our marriage, to have fun before the responsibilities hit, and to really be prepared and thankful when we finally have a miracle of our own. I've been peeing on things again, and I personally think that is what always makes me the most sad. I hope and hope and hope for that second line, and it has never appeared. That one lonely line leaves an unmistakable pit in my stomach. I can't hide from it, I can't push it out of my mind and I definitely can forget about it. I always think while I'm waiting for the line to appear "why not me this time? I could be pregnant right?" It just sets me up for misery.
I ovulated two weekends ago (I think). I ran out of ovulation test kits and I received my new shipment after I had already ovulated. I had the breast tenderness and the EWCM on saturday. But my EWCM only lasted about 2 hours and I was at work so that pretty much screwed me from the get go. I also went to my crazy infertile place and listened to one of the nurses at work about this "rinse " that you squirt up your vagina (don't make me write the actual word :). It's a "rinse" made out of baking soda and water and it makes your vagina less acidic. So I frickin tried it. Am I crazy? I also used the instead cup that night to keep the sperm up there. I feel so foolish.
Not to mention the hubby hasn't been interested in sex since our marathon almost 2 weeks ago. So needless to say it's been awhile, and now it's going to be a while longer because he broke his collarbone playing flag football on Monday night and can't even put on a shirt, let alone hit the sheets with me. And I leave for 17 days of navy training in the states on Saturday. Now that is a true dry spell, wouldn't you say?
Speaking of my training, I am heading to Bethesda, MD on Saturday for one week, then 4 days of leave in RI with my sister in law and brother in law and their little girl, and then to Birmingham AL for a bereavement conference. I'm not excited about my patient safety conference in Bethesda but I am excited about the location. I'm heading to the Smithsonian on Sunday, all by myself. I can't wait to check it out for the first time as an adult. The last time I was there I was 6 years old and all I cared about was seeing the ruby slippers :) I also am going to go shopping for Christmas presents and just to look around American stores and see what I've been missing. Don't get me wrong the Italians have plenty of beautiful things to sell, but everything is so expensive and they are a little stuck in the 80's with the fashion, at least here in Sicily :)
I have mixed feelings about seeing my sister in law/BFF. She is 37 weeks pregnant and has a beautiful one year old that I adore. But it just kills me that she got pregnant so easily and mistakenly with her little ones. When she had addy she had only known sam's brother for one and a half months and had only seen him 3 times. It just burns me a little and I feel like I can't talk to her about my infertility. I need to be able to talk about it with my best friend.
My conference in AL is going to be wonderful and sad at the same time. It's dealing with how to comfort families that have lost a baby in utero, like stillbirths, miscarriages, or infants that are incompatible with life. I have cared for a lot of women going through these situations and I am going to learn how to teach other nurses to support and care for these women.
So that is what is going on with me. Pray for a miracle between now and Saturday when I should get my period. I would love to see that second line this week. Thanks ladies.

Busy Busy!

Hello all! I'm not dead just busy and a bit lazy on the blogging front. I have quite a bit going on right now. I've been getting ready to start my new job next month by cross training and making arrangements for the conference I'm attending in November in the states. I also had a test and a project due for my Nursing Theory class, my husbands birthday yesterday and my birthday today. And throw in a week of getting it on last week because the girl who doesn't ovulate, ovulated last week. ON MY OWN! There might be something to the my theory that night shift screwed up my cycles. I am by no means consistent with my cycles but at least they are closer together. I had a little trouble this week telling when I ovulated. I started having breast tenderness and EWCM last week Tuesday, but I had run out of ovulation tests and didn't get my shipment until Thursday. I never got a positive but we still tried and I think we did okay spreading the loving throughout the week. I tried my new Instead Soft Cups. It was weird but hopefully it did the trick.
I'm a kind of stressed out between school, my new job, and my upcoming weigh in this Friday. I've been exercising so much lately and am up to running 3 miles at a time, but I haven't lost any weight and I am about 4# above the limit for my height. Every 6 months we have this weigh in a physical test, and every six months I get all worried about it. I always pass when they tape measure me, but I hate worrying about it.
That's all for now. I've still been reading and thinking about all of you that I follow.

Another uneventful week

I'm still alive. I just have been lazy and haven't had much to report. I'm still waiting to see if I ovulate on my own. Today is day 16 and no signs yet. I have a feeling this is going to be a long month. I've been heavily procrastinating for school lately. I just can't seem to find my motivation. I don't know how to get myself going these days. I haven't seen my therapist this week and I don't think I'll make anymore appts. The last couple of times I felt like we were just rehashing things we had already talked about and it wasn't feeling very helpful anymore. I haven't fully decided yet so we shall see.
Things at home are good. Sam and I have been spending good amounts of time together just having fun. I'm feeling pretty good overall and it's helping with all of the relationships in my life. When I'm frustrated and depressed I shut down and shut everyone out. It just isn't healthy for me to be like that. Awww.....I'm growing!
Don't get me wrong, I still have my sad moments. I saw a friend's maternity pictures on Fac.ebook last night and felt a little teary afterward. They looked so perfect in their pictures with their beautiful little girl and her handsome husband and her beautiful bump. But I know that their marriage is in trouble and that her husband has said he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. No one is perfect and having a baby doesn't make everything better, it usually makes everything harder. When I remind myself of this, I tend to think that it's God's way of giving Sam and I the time we need together until we are truly ready to be parents. I would never want to ruin the good thing I have with Sam. But I also would never want to go through my whole life without experiencing the joy (and probably pain) of parenting.
I am still trying not to have any expectations for the next few cycles. I was talking with an OB at work the other day (occupational hazard I guess) and she was telling me about a new drug, letrosol, for ovulation induction. Supposedly it has less side effects (no hot flashes, thinned lining, or hostile cervical mucus) and she suggested that I try it. Has anyone taken this and been successful? I figure it's worth a try and I may use it in the new year. But for now I'm going to continue to try on my own. It's strange how much I hate thinking about cycling and treatments now. I get so caught up in how unfair it is that it has to be this much work and money to have a child. Uggghhh!