Another one bites the dust

I just received a call from my best friend Naomi. A call I new was coming since she took out her IUD in January. She's pregnant and really excited. I am excited for her, but hurting so much for us. Why does it have to feel this way. Can I rewind to 5 years ago, when someone would tell me they were pregnant and all I could do was grin and think about how I was going to spoil the crap out of that brand new baby? How I would spend all my money and time buying things for them, making sure they were comfortable, planning the shower? I miss feeling happy for people who are pregnant, not jealous. It just kills me that they only tried for 4 months and BAM! she's got a bun in the oven. I feel so foolish. I feel so useless. I feel so scared. Who am I to ever think that I would be lucky enough to have a child? Where do I even get off hoping to have a baby with my husband? It happens to others, not to me. I must have done something in my life to deserve this pain. I'm not entitled to having a child, it is a privilage that I will never know. I just can't figure out how to accept this and move on from the jealousy that I feel towards all the women that get pregnant without trying. 4 long years of longing for a family. 4 long years of stress and pain and tears. I have a good life, why is that not enough? I hope this new pregnancy will not make me lost my best friend. I can't stand any more grief.

Life is not fair

I'm struck by how often this is true....life is not fair. There have been a lot of people with failed IVF cycles lately and it is freaking me out. I just wonder if I'll even be able to take the gamble that is IVF. All that money, and expectations, and injections, and hope only to be crushed by disappointment. I honestly don't know if I can handle that. People don't realize how lucky they are to have a baby the old fashioned way. I find myself getting more and more jealous. I'm sick of people just saying "Oh just go get IVF!" Are they going to be there for me when I struggle with my own morality because I'm messing with the fact that God hasn't blessed me with children? Are they going to loan me the $10,000 to try IVF just once? Are they going to comfort me when the whole thing turns out as a bust? No....its just some far away from them solution to offer, because they can't deal with the reality of our life. I'm over it! I'm done talking about infertility with people who don't get it.
I'm done with my rant! I've been holding things together pretty well. I've been working out and cooking up a storm. I found an awesome food blog about mealplanning....something I've always wanted to try. http://themealplanner.blogspot.com/ You should check this out. I made Thai meatballs with peanut butter sauce, meatball subs, and baked potato soup this week. Everything was amazing! I usually don't cook because I have a tendency to burn things, but this week I surprised myself and it was fun.
I hope everyone has a great week!

Quiet and quite boring

I've noticed it has become quite quiet and boring around here lately. Both myself and the boards seem to have come to a screeching halt. Where is everyone? I've been in homework hell for the last week. My Health Policy class is done (thank you GOD!!) and I'm now bored. It's funny how when you have all this stuff to do, all you do is stress and wish it was over. Now that it is over....I'm sitting here bored and wondering what is next??? I'm heading to Naples Italy tonight for an overnighter for a training I have in the morning. I wish I had more time because then I could explore :( But I'll be back tomorrow evening by dinner time. Here are some boring things going on with me:

• Spanish cruise coming up with a friend of mine, we're doing Royal Carribean International and stopping in Palma de Mallorca, Barcelona, Ibiza, Gilbralter, and Majorca. I've never been on a cruise before and 9 days is a long time to spend with someone you're not that close with....but I'm still pretty excited.
  
• I'm jealous because meanwhile my husband will be seeing Incubus (our favorite band) at the Hurrican Festival in Germany....I'm slightly bummed about this one!
• I start pathophysiology class on June 20th, my 2nd day cruising...that ought to be interesting:)
• Sam and I are in midst of designing some corresponding tattoos consisting of Incubus lyrics. It's something we've always talked about so why not now?
• I'm spotting off and on and trying to ignore it. I have no idea if and when I ovulated, but the spotting is making me crazy. I forgot how when you're not trying to get pregnant and you have irregular cycles that you constantly wonder if you're pregnant. I'm sure I'm not, so I choose to ignore.
• I found out another couple is pregnant from work. They are fantastic, but it still stings. I'm having trouble being myself around them, I know it will subside eventually but it's so hard to be happy for someone when they achieve what you've been trying to achieve for years without going through even half of what we've been going through.
• Next month marks 4 years of trying to have a baby. 4 YEARS!!! Seems like an eternity. I wonder how many more years of this shit I can take. Ugggghhh!
  

So that's been it lately. Hope everyone else is hanging in there. I've been saying some prayers for a few people. I'm hoping to hear some good news for someone soon, I need some of my hope restored in humanity.