A rough week.

This week has sucked! I'm so happy it ended on a good note though. It began with an accidental pregnancy announcement, which I guessed was the person's secret....jokingly. Kind of like:

Her: " I have to tell our boss a little secret?"

Me: "Let me guess, you're pregnant? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (I laughed like an idiot because she's young, not married, and has known her strange Italian boyfriend for like 2 months).

Her: "Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, I'm only 7 and a half weeks."

I wanted to die. I wanted god to strike me with lightening and melt me to the floor. I was embarrassed that I laughed and then I was just plain angry. I pulled myself together congratulated her and went on with my day. By the time I went home, I was in tears. I just keep thinking why does this happen for everyone but me. I feel like I've done something in this life or a past life to deserve this. This type of punishment doesn't just happen, it's earned. And I am suffering. I feel so much like I let everyone down. Myself, Sam, my mom, his parents. And I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, but I do. I ask myself why me? over and over again all day everyday. Why is this happening to me? I hope to figure out the answer to that question some day.

On a good note, I found out that I was finally able to switch my MSN major to midwifery. It's been a decision I was struggling with and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do it. I got my acceptance letter yesterday. It's a huge deal for me. I may not be able to have babies of my own, but I will be able to help other women bring their babies into the world. I leave for Prague and Vienna on Tuesday. I cannot wait! 4 months until I leave sicily :) I'm beyond ready to go.

This hurts.

So I have my period....no miracle pregnancy for Sam and I (are you really surprised though?). I'm highly emotional because of this stupid period, not to mention having left my husband last week for an undetermined amount of months and being alone in foreign country, so I may be a bit sensitive. My sister in law (also one of my best friends) posted the most annoying thing on face.book today. I know it isn't about me but it just really irked me. And I quote " Last year at this time I was getting ready to give birth to C....All I want for Christmas this year is another 6 week vacation without the whole pregnancy, labor, and screaming newborn thing." Now, mind you, this is her second child, her second child that she had to get out of being deployed. She got pregnant the second she took her IUD out and she successfully avoided her deployment. It isn't fair. I know life is not fair but come on! I would literally give my left arm to have a pregnancy, or a labor, or a screaming newborn. I would give anything to make my husband a father. It is something we fear we may never experience. It just hurts so much to hear other people taking it for granted.

I'm so down. I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm worried. I just feel so hopeless about ever having a family. I just wonder why this has to be so hard for us. There has to be a reason. I'm not mad at my friend but it makes me realize that she doesn't get it. She'll never get it. I'm pretty much alone in this fight.

Back to just me

I'm back in Italy trying to finish up the last 5 month stretch. I had a rough week transition. I wasn't jet lagged. I wasn't tired. I wasn't trying to catch up. I was depressed. I still kind of am. It was so hard leaving Sam again. I didn't sleep in our bed for awhile because it was just too sad for me to be in there alone after spending 13 nights together again. I almost wish I hadn't gone home because I the pain of being apart again is much worse now than it was when he first left. All this time apart has taught me two important things 1) I am never doing this again (unless it is for a deployment) and 2) He means so much more to me than I ever thought. You don't realize how much you want or need someone in your life until they are taken away from you. I just want to be with him, he doesn't have to talk or even look at me.....I just want to sit next to him and hold his hand for another 10 minutes :(

I'm starting to feel a little better today. I finally slept well the last two nights and am getting out and doing stuff with other people again. I don't want to turn into a depressed hermit! I have to keep busy. And although I was hopeful on some level that I would be pregnant after our little visit, I started spotting today which means my period will be here again soon. I thought I had the right to be hopeful between the fertility rock, the letrozole, all the sex we had, and the poor timing it would be if I actually did get pregnant (since Sam wouldn't be around for most of it). But alas no....I have to stop even thinking that we could ever get pregnant on our own. These little shreds of hope send me into despair when I get my stupid period. I can't do anything. I feel so stuck in this childless abyss. Everyone continues to get pregnant, and then get pregnant again, and have beautiful talented children and I'm just stuck. Sigh.....