I've been thinking....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about Navy career, finishing grad school, life, death, marriage, and how in the hell we are ever going to build a family. I want so badly to be optimistic about letrozole. I want to just believe that we are meant to be parents and that we've waited long enough, it has to be our turn. But then I remember that life is not fair. Things don't always happen just because you want them bad enough, or you deserve them. I've had a long history of life not being fair. I can choose to dwell on these things- my infertility, my broken family, my father's death-or I can choose to be grateful for the beautiful things that I have in my life.
Sam and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but we were married twice. We eloped on Feb 12th of 2007 in Charlottesville, VA at a beautiful little B&B. We didn't have the money for a big wedding yet and our parents wanted us to get married at home. Sam's mom was away in Iraq for the whole year coming up, so we snuck off and had a quiet little wedding alone, just the two of us. We were just babies when I look back. Sam was only 23 and I was 25. But we knew we wanted to be together and we knew we couldn't wait. I wouldn't change it for anything. We had our big wedding in May 2008 when we could afford it. We didn't tell many people that we were already married so we got the best of both words. A big party with all of our family and friends and a small intimate ceremony with just the two of us.
I am so proud of the man my husband has become and he is the best thing in my life. Sam is far from perfect ( and so am I!) but he has proven through and through that he is the calm, stable, consistent, and easy going one in our relationship. I need to remember this and be more grateful.
I guess I've just been focusing on my inability to give Sam a child. Feeling sorry for myself, letting myself slip into complete negativity. Time to turn over a new leaf and see the good side of things. Gotta start somewhere right?