No one ever said I was bright.

I was wrong. My follicle was still there, 20x28. I took my first of what I fear will be many injections yesterday. This may not be a big deal to most, but this is the beginning for me. I just really was hoping it wouldn't get to this point. But I manned up and I got my trigger shot. I think most people doing triggers do them in the butt, but the girl that did mine was a friend so I chose the arm. That sucker hurt! I'm not big on needles. So it's done, and now I wait.
I had a good cry tonight with the hubs. He said that he wants to be done for the year after these two cycles are over. I cried because it became clear that he has no hope either (and frankly, after 11 unsuccessful cycles can you blame the guy?) He was the hopeful one before, he always said he "just knew it would happen". Well apparently now he knows it will happen, just not this year. I see where he's coming from, we're officially benched after this. There are no options for treatment here. But I guess I just assumed I would still temp and do my OPK's and time intercourse. You know.....just in case. But now I realize he wants a break, and as much as I say I want a break, I'm not sure I'm ready to give it all up. I pretend I don't care but this shit is an obsession. I think about babies, our babies, holidays, birth, pregnancy, treatment, what if blah, blah, blah, all day long, every frickin day. It's exhausting, but I don't know how else to be.
So as much as I was looking forward to being done with treatment, I still thought we would be trying (just half assed trying, no whole assed trying). It's just a lot to take in. I broke down today because this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know what I want to do or how I'll handle all this, but I know I'll keep going. Life doesn't stop because of grief or pain. I'll keep hurting but I'll keep going too. I guess I'll just try to find some comfort in that.

Sadness

Please offer some words of support to Hilary @ http://makingmemom.blogspot.com/ She is in a sad place because her final FET cycle has ended, and not in the way she had hoped. Just reading her words stirs up so much emotion for me. She wrote that her story is an "infertile's nightmare". She's right. Don't we all wonder if we'll end up without biological children of our own? Sure it seems like everyone ends up with their happy ending, but sometimes you don't. I struggle with this. I find it so hard to have hope when someone who really deserves to be a mom doesn't get to be. If this amazing, strong woman can't get there, who am I to even try? She deserves this, she's done all the work, and spent all the money and she's left with empty arms and a broken heart. Life is unfair. It's becoming more and more apparent with each passing year. My heart is broken for her and for every other woman who has had to give up their dream of becoming a mother. It'll probably be me a few years from now.
I'm annoyed with my cycle and feeling rather dismal about the whole situation. I had an U/S today, I had an 18x20 mm follicle and my dr said he wants to wait and do another one on Monday. Well guess what Ace? It won't be there on Monday. I'm quite sure I'll drop it on my own sometime before then and miss my chance to try the infamous trigger. Whatever! It's not like it'll work anyways. I am a debbie downer today, sorry!

Apparently I'm a Guiney Pig.

My new cycle has started, yippeeee (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I'm cycle day 5, taking the letrozole blah, blah, blah. Apparently this month my Dr want me to try an hCG trigger shot. Why?? Good question. I feel like he's thinking nothing else worked, lets just try this too. I'm curious to see if it makes a difference, but honestly why would it? I've ovulated every single time. We've had pretty great timing and clearly ovulation and timing are not the issue. I sometimes wonder what it is. I wonder if my body is attacking Sam's sperm (ala Charlotte on sex and the city). Or if my uterus is hostile (ala Meredith on Greys) or if we're just incompatible and my eggs and his sperm just plain hate each other and refuse to play nice. What can it be??? Or is it nothing, is it simply unexplained. Is it that huge gray area, that big what if that hangs over your very existence. I wish I had something to truly blame it on because not knowing is a bitch. Oh well, two more cycles and I'll be free to obsess about other things besides infertility.
I gave myself something to look forward to by planning a trip to Dublin in May for a few days. It's been 11 years since I've been there and Sam has never been. We are both extremely excited to drink Guiness and roam the streets. I can't wait to get out of this joint for a few days.
That's all for now. I'll try to post more, I've been kinda down lately and being lazy. I'll get better soon, I promise :)

Less than Hopeful, and Trying Desperately Not to Care.

I'm less than hopeful. I broke and peed on a stick yesterday at 10dpo. Nothing. One stupid, annoying, condescending line. I hate that line on the right. I want to see the line on the left!!!! Is that so much to ask. I've been having cramping the last two days. I keep oscillating between certainty that it is my impending period and praying to GOD that it is something else.
I'm trying so hard not to care. I'm trying hard to think of all the things that I "get" to do because we are childless. But booze and sleep and vacations don't take away the pain of empty arms. It doesn't keep from crying when I see a pregnant belly or a onesie. I had a rough day today, I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.
The uphill battle that we've been fighting is becoming more real to me. It's becoming more real to Sam too. I used the 1 in 6 couples statistic the other day and he just said "Wow, that sucks that's less than 20% chance. How unlucky are we?"
I am dreading these letrozole cycles being over. Because that's it, end of story, for a whole year! That's a long time to sit and wait for some help. But this is the way it is, I have no choice, I'm stuck here. Before I took the clomid I thought... all I'll need is a little clomid. That'll do it for sure, I'll get pregnant right away. Then I didn't and before I took the letrozole I thought, "That clomid was drying up all my CM, I'll take the letrozole and that'll do it, we'll get pregnant right away." How long can I do this to myself? Do I just accept this? Do I skip to IVF? Do we live without children? Should I just keep trying?

Who new that life would be this hard. My empty arms ache for a tiny human that looks just like my handsome husband. My heart aches to love a child that is my own. This is literally the most painful time in my life being faced with the reality that having children is something I will probably never experience.