Courage and Control

Hello everyone! I'm still here. Just trying to stay positive and get through each day. It's been a struggle the last few days. I'm still using my stop sign technique, but I'm finding myself getting a little bit angry inside. Angry that other people are pregnant (who in my opinion don't deserve it), angry for feeling sorry for myself. I'm still pulling away from my sister in law who is pregnant. I miss her so much, but I just feel sad when I talk with her. I feel like she's experiencing this wonderful part of life that I am so wanting to be a part of. I feel like she's changed in a way that I can't possibly understand. I hate that it has come between us and I hate that I am jealous of the life that she has created for herself.
On a lighter note I decided to make a list of some fun things that have made me smile or feel semi good over the last few days. Here goes...
1. Entourage- I love this frickin show. It's a man's show. It's funny and I am totally addicted. Ari is my favorite. You should all check it out. At the very least it has some good looking men in it :)
2. Eat, Pray, Love the movie- I'm going to see this tomorrow night. I read the book en route to Italy last year and I loved reading about Elizabeth Gilbert's journey to getting back to herself. I just started reading her new book, Committed and I'm already loving it. Can't wait to see Julia, Javier, and James tear it up around the world. I hope it exceeds my expectations.
3. The Wild Trapeze- This is the new album by Brandon Boyd (the lead singer of Incubus). It is awesome! He played all the instruments, wrote all the songs, and sang them beautifully. The song Courage and Control has been my anthem for the last week. It brought tears to my eyes when I heard it and reminded me of how I have to handle this struggle I've been lugging around.
4. Barcelona- Just a week and a half and I'll be in Spain. Hopefully drinking spanish wine, strolling through markets, and just plain relaxing. I love having a trip to look forward to, and living here we've been spoiled with plenty to do travel wise.
5. Sweet Peach Tea - A good friend of mine gave me the perfect southern sweet tea recipe and I've been guzzling this stuff like it's going out of style. Since I am from the midwest, I never really liked sweet tea. But I must say this stuff is goooooood! Email me if you want the recipe:)
6. Running- I've been working out A LOT this week and I feel pretty good. I haven't lost a damn pound and I'm still eating like a pig but I feel pretty good. I like knowing that I can run an extended amount if I need to, and it's a great way to clear my head.

So there's my positivity for the week. I have my next therapy appointment on Tuesday and a busy week ahead of me. Talk again soon!

Therapy Session #1

I had my very first therapy session yesterday with a family counselor on base. It was so helpful and I feel so much better after just talking to her that one time. I'm going to call her E. Right when E started asking me why I was there I immediately started bawling. She said she could hear it in my voice when I called to make the appt. I couldn't keep my tears back as I explained to her how hard it is each month to get on such and excited anticipatory high of what could happen if you're pregnant and then to crash down to the lowest low of failure. She asked me what I was saying to myself in each of these phases and she gasped when I told her because she said she could see how awful that would be to set yourself up like that. I told her I thought about how many wks I would be at this holiday or what we would name the baby or when our parents could visit during my maternity leave. And when it ended badly I'd think I'll never my pregnant, this is my fault, why me, what is wrong with me.
She told me that since we can't get the type of medical treatments needed here in Sic.ily that I need to put this whole baby thing on a shelf. She said I can put all my expectations and sadness and worries about having a family in a box and put it up on a shelf. When I need to I can open that box and grieve, but not all the time. She said I'm carrying this grief around with me and that it is not god for me. She told me to talk less about baby type things with the hubs. She told me to make a plan for when we get home, as in what treatments we want, where we will go, and to start saving for it now. And she gave me a great technique that is helping me to stop thinking about being sad or even getting pregnant or babies in general. She told me to picture a big red stop sign each time I started to "go there". It sounds cheesy but it's really working for me.
She also scolded me for saying the word "should". I say I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the life that I have or I should be able to get pregnant or whatever else I say. She told me to feel how I feel and get rid of all the shoulds. I liked that.
Her version of therapy is solution based and she focuses on what is good in my life. I have good stuff here. And I think I can get to a place where I can live with my infertility. I don't have to accept it, because you never know what might happen. But I think I can live with it and make it part of my life without making it my whole life. I feel a lot better already and I can't wait to see her again next time.

Big Changes

Things are changing in our house these days. The biggest change is that we are stopping treatments until we return to the states. I have realized that after each month's BFN I am handling this whole infertility thing worse and worse. I am so depressed and disappointed and tearful for the few days before I get my period and the few days after. I feel guilty because this whole situation is my fault. I feel hopeless because nothing seems to work for us. And I feel downright depressed that I am childless and will probably always remain so. I put on a good front. I try to act like I don't care. I try so hard not to get my hopes up. I even fool myself sometimes. This stress is no good for me. I have gained weight, I sleep all the time, and I find myself pulling away from my support system.
When I broke down and told my hubby that I couldn't do this anymore, he reacted in an amazing and supportive way. But he also told me something that made me want to really STOP doing treatments instead of just saying that I wanted to. What he said was that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to have a baby here in Sic.ily. He says he went along with the treatments because he wanted to make me happy and because he does want to be a dad. He thinks that it would be too hard here, without the support system, the family. He isn't interested in the sub standard Ital.ian fertility treatments, and frankly neither am I. I've heard some awful things about how off the timing was for many ladies IUI's. I don't think I can handle the awful disappointment coupled with a hefty price tag. I don't know how some of you ladies do it, but I am in awe of you.
I just realized that I need to get myself right. I am so obsessed with being pregnant and having a child that I am completely ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. And if my life ends up being just Sam and Satchel and myself I need to accept that and realize that that is still a pretty amazing life. I have my first appointment with a family counselor on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to talking out all my uncertainties and learning how to better cope with all this stress.
Yes...I am sad that it is over. That I will not be a mom while I am here. That we will spend the next few years alone ...again. I hate waiting! But I know that I am not in a good place right now mentally and I NEED to feel like myself again. Being a parent isn't the only thing in life that makes it worthwhile. If motherhood never happens for me, I need to find another path that will make me happy.

Waiting is the hardest part...

Good morning all! I'm currently 7 days post ovulation and not too excited to continue waiting for the next 7 days. I have no hope. I will feel a cramp or a twinge, I'll notice that my nips are still sore, and for a split second I hope that maybe something is going on in there. Then I remind myself, that this is round 6 of clomid and nothing has happened so far, and nothing probably will. I hate feeling negative like this but I have to protect myself from the huge let down I've been feeling every month. It is torture.
I'm keeping myself busy with school work, beach days, good friends, and a great book. I just finished reading "The Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin. It was a little scandalous, but I loved it. She is one of my favorites. I'm working a lot this week, trying to get stuff done. All is well here in Sicily.
I'm planning on testing on Sunday night or Monday morning. If I can make myself just wait for my period to show I would be impressed. I just love peeing on things, that moment of hope while you wait. In that moment you try to convince yourself that it will be negative but secretly pray that it will be something different that that one frickin line. That this will be the time that you can rejoice and cry for a happy reason for a change. Ahhhh, someday (I hope)!

Waiting.....part deux!

So I've been waiting and waiting for my +opk and I finally got it last night. Yippeee!!! I was really worried that it was a cyst and I'd have to sit this cycle out. It was + last night at 8pm and was still + today at 6pm. I've been hitting the sheets with the hubby like it is my job since last Friday. I'm going to aim for another 2x over the next 2 days and then finally be able to relax and gear up for the second leg of my waiting (aka the TWW), part deux if you will. Doesn't it suck the toll that TTC takes on your se.x life? Not that I'm complaining about my husband or our se.x life but TTC just changes things. It seems like more work than fun. I'm trying really hard to keep it fun and Sam has a great attitude about it. I think it becomes work for the men too, and women forget that because we always assume that is all a guy wants :) We joke about it sometimes, but we both try to keep our end goal of having a family in mind.

I've been working really hard to keep my mind off of being infertile and focusing on enjoying my life now. I read this great book by Gretchen Rubin called The Happiness Project. It really helped me to realize all the things that I want to accomplish and how I'm letting infertility and my sadness surrounding our situation get in the way of truly being happy on a day to day basis. Today I woke up, laid out in the sun, went to the local Italian store for fresh produce, took my pup for a nice long walk in town, and made an incredible bruschetta. I got a lot accomplished today and I had fun. I realize how important being happy on a day to day basis is to maintaining my sanity during this constant waiting game.