Hello again, I am back. Currently on cycle day 12 and still have about a week to go until I even ovulate. I loathe my long cycles. Waiting is torture and I have had more than enough. DH is getting his second SA on Tuesday. First one was about a year and half ago and was on the low end of normal (22 million-with excellent motility and morphology). My doctor just wants to make sure we aren't dealing with crappy sperm too. I don't think that's the issue, I'm sure I'm the culprit to blame. My doctor also wanted me to take my clomid two extra days, which I have never heard of, in hopes of stimulating my follicles to grow a little more quickly. I was worried about over stimulation so I only did one extra day. So I'll start my OPK's tomorrow and have my U/S Wednesday morning. I am going into this cycle without hope, knowing that it will fail and looking forward to my upcoming break from all things infertility. The sad part is that I still hope that maybe if I can make myself not want it so badly it will finally happen. Is that weird? Everyone says it will happen when you stop trying, how do you stop trying? How do you keep yourself from wanting something so badly?I'm still suffering with some jealousy and anger about all my pregnant friends. I hate Face.book! I'm sick of all the complaining postings about nausea and exhaustion and getting fat. People don't use it for what it is really for, to stay connected to people. They use it as an outlet to brag about how fabulous their life and husbands and children are. I'm a firm believer that if you need to talk it up all the time, it must not be that good :) I sat and listened to a co-worker this morning talk about how cute her daughter is, how sick she is with this pregnancy, and how her house isn't big enough for her every growing family. Uggghhhh! I want to care about my friends. I know how important a new child is in their life. I know that world definitely doesn't revolve around me and my sadness. I'm focusing on my own sadness and losing the best part of myself. I used to be caring and compassionate. Now I feel spiteful and jealous and just plain ugly. I don't want to get close to anyone because I feel constant disappointment. I recognize my evil thoughts and never speak them, but how do I keep from feeling this way?
Besides all my bitching...I did have a really great time on leave in Amsterdam. My husband enjoyed it more than anyone as he was the only one able to partake in the coffee shop 
experience. But the city was a amazing and it was Queens Day so everyone was in full party mode. I loved it! I drank a lot of great beer, at great food, and laughed my ass off with one of the funniest girls I know. We weren't able to make it to Brugges so I was a little disappointed but it just gives me an excuse to go back someday. Since we've moved here I've been trying to sharpen my photography skills and put to use all the beautiful scenery here. Let me know what you think?
Besides all my bitching...I did have a really great time on leave in Amsterdam. My husband enjoyed it more than anyone as he was the only one able to partake in the coffee shop 
experience. But the city was a amazing and it was Queens Day so everyone was in full party mode. I loved it! I drank a lot of great beer, at great food, and laughed my ass off with one of the funniest girls I know. We weren't able to make it to Brugges so I was a little disappointed but it just gives me an excuse to go back someday. Since we've moved here I've been trying to sharpen my photography skills and put to use all the beautiful scenery here. Let me know what you think?
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