Therapy Session #1

I had my very first therapy session yesterday with a family counselor on base. It was so helpful and I feel so much better after just talking to her that one time. I'm going to call her E. Right when E started asking me why I was there I immediately started bawling. She said she could hear it in my voice when I called to make the appt. I couldn't keep my tears back as I explained to her how hard it is each month to get on such and excited anticipatory high of what could happen if you're pregnant and then to crash down to the lowest low of failure. She asked me what I was saying to myself in each of these phases and she gasped when I told her because she said she could see how awful that would be to set yourself up like that. I told her I thought about how many wks I would be at this holiday or what we would name the baby or when our parents could visit during my maternity leave. And when it ended badly I'd think I'll never my pregnant, this is my fault, why me, what is wrong with me.
She told me that since we can't get the type of medical treatments needed here in Sic.ily that I need to put this whole baby thing on a shelf. She said I can put all my expectations and sadness and worries about having a family in a box and put it up on a shelf. When I need to I can open that box and grieve, but not all the time. She said I'm carrying this grief around with me and that it is not god for me. She told me to talk less about baby type things with the hubs. She told me to make a plan for when we get home, as in what treatments we want, where we will go, and to start saving for it now. And she gave me a great technique that is helping me to stop thinking about being sad or even getting pregnant or babies in general. She told me to picture a big red stop sign each time I started to "go there". It sounds cheesy but it's really working for me.
She also scolded me for saying the word "should". I say I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the life that I have or I should be able to get pregnant or whatever else I say. She told me to feel how I feel and get rid of all the shoulds. I liked that.
Her version of therapy is solution based and she focuses on what is good in my life. I have good stuff here. And I think I can get to a place where I can live with my infertility. I don't have to accept it, because you never know what might happen. But I think I can live with it and make it part of my life without making it my whole life. I feel a lot better already and I can't wait to see her again next time.