Big Changes

Things are changing in our house these days. The biggest change is that we are stopping treatments until we return to the states. I have realized that after each month's BFN I am handling this whole infertility thing worse and worse. I am so depressed and disappointed and tearful for the few days before I get my period and the few days after. I feel guilty because this whole situation is my fault. I feel hopeless because nothing seems to work for us. And I feel downright depressed that I am childless and will probably always remain so. I put on a good front. I try to act like I don't care. I try so hard not to get my hopes up. I even fool myself sometimes. This stress is no good for me. I have gained weight, I sleep all the time, and I find myself pulling away from my support system.
When I broke down and told my hubby that I couldn't do this anymore, he reacted in an amazing and supportive way. But he also told me something that made me want to really STOP doing treatments instead of just saying that I wanted to. What he said was that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to have a baby here in Sic.ily. He says he went along with the treatments because he wanted to make me happy and because he does want to be a dad. He thinks that it would be too hard here, without the support system, the family. He isn't interested in the sub standard Ital.ian fertility treatments, and frankly neither am I. I've heard some awful things about how off the timing was for many ladies IUI's. I don't think I can handle the awful disappointment coupled with a hefty price tag. I don't know how some of you ladies do it, but I am in awe of you.
I just realized that I need to get myself right. I am so obsessed with being pregnant and having a child that I am completely ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. And if my life ends up being just Sam and Satchel and myself I need to accept that and realize that that is still a pretty amazing life. I have my first appointment with a family counselor on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to talking out all my uncertainties and learning how to better cope with all this stress.
Yes...I am sad that it is over. That I will not be a mom while I am here. That we will spend the next few years alone ...again. I hate waiting! But I know that I am not in a good place right now mentally and I NEED to feel like myself again. Being a parent isn't the only thing in life that makes it worthwhile. If motherhood never happens for me, I need to find another path that will make me happy.