Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder why infertility has interrupted your life, changed your plans, stolen your happiness? I do. I wonder why so many of my fellow bloggers are plagued with the burden of being infertile. I wonder why everyone has a friend (or 7 ) that has tried and tried for years. I wonder if plastic bottles, or poor diet, or the technology of infertility has morphed us seemingly normal healthy people into sad sacks of human beings incapable of producing or carrying life. I wonder if I hadn't been on birth control for 10 years if this would be happening to me? I wonder if my mother had used glass bottles when I was a baby instead of plastic ones would this be happening to me? I wonder if I only at organic and was able to lose these nagging 25 pounds of weight gain would I finally be able to conceive? And then I feel guilty because I wonder if I didn't worry and stress about it so much than maybe it could happen. Or maybe I'm not really doing everything that I could to make it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of wine during my 2WW, or run during my 2WW, or maybe I should have stayed laying down for 30 minutes after we get it on.
I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of wishing my life away. I'm sick of deluding myself into thinking that people with kids are happier and better people than myself. I want to be a mom. I have an ache in my chest to have a little one of my own, to feel like a real family that I never had a chance to be a part of. But when I am truly honest, I know I won't be a different happier person when I do have a family. People with kids don't have better marriages or better memories. They just have different ones. Ones that I want to have in addition to the life I have now. I have things that those families want too! I sleep in every day that I have off, I've traveled all over Europe, I have money to spend on things that I want, and I have time to devote to what I like. Neither lifestyle is perfect. Childless or parent...both have challenges. I have appreciated my childless life, I took advantage, I lived it up! But now I'm so ready for the next step.
Tomorrow I start clomid cycle #6. This is really only cycle #4 because the 1st two cycles I didn't respond, but the last three I did. I don't know what to do differently this cycle. Any suggestions? I feel like I tried to "do it" every day, every other day and I'm not sure which is better. My Dr says everyday is fine with Sam's count. I just feel like I'm missing my window every time. Either that or my CM is hostile or something! I'm not looking forward to the hot flashes in the 100 degree weather we've been having. But what can I do?