I hate feeling like this! I will always feel the insane pang of jealousy each time someone announces their pregnancy to me. My friend from work, who has been very supportive of my infertility and extremely sensitive to me at all other times, told me today rather casually that she is pregnant. She has a one year old daughter and had been kind of trying (while still breastfeeding) for about 7 months. I DO feel happy for her, that her little girl will have a brother or sister, and that she can finally stop worrying about when they'll get their second child. But I am still sitting here with empty arms and a broken heart. My poor husband has no idea what to say anymore, I have no idea what to say anymore.
I said congratulations and gave her a hug. Her telling me shouldn't ruin this moment for her. I took myself out of the equation those few minutes and tried to be supportive and a good friend. I realize that not every moment is about me. But when she left, I felt that jealousy and envy and pure sadness spread throughout my body. I teared up and felt yet again that I will always be on the outside looking in. I am playing mind games with myself. Making myself believe that I must not deserve to be a mother, because god has yet to bless me with a child. Maybe this is my life's struggle, to want something so badly and to never achieve that goal. I don't want to feel eternally hopeless. I want to be happy, for myself and for others. I know I have so much to be grateful for. But the very thought of never being a mother...leaves me sick inside.
I'm sorry for all the complaining, just having a rough couple of days. I want my own mom. I haven't seen her in almost a year, that is just too long. Being in Sicily is not easy, I miss having real family and friends. Navy life is rough. At least the view is good, this is the view from my rooftop. Enjoy!
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