Lazy Weekend...

I had the entire weekend off, a rare event for an active duty nurse, and I barely did anything but mope. I am on my one week break from grad school, which ends today, so I took advantage of cleaning and organizing that I have been putting off. My husband was playing softball all day yesterday and worked today so I haven't spent much time with him. I find myself getting tearful at every show on TV and torturing myself by reading infertility blogs and looking up baby garb on the internet. Every where I go there are pregnant women and babies. At work, at the NEX, in my apartment complex, plastered all over facebook. I find I am taking these pregnancy announcement a lot harder than I used to. I feel personally attacked by every idiot who accidentally gets pregnant. Including my best friend. She got pregnant by my husband's brother a month after they met at our wedding and gave my mother in law a grandchild before I even had a chance. I love my new niece to pieces but seeing their happy little family together on skype and on facebook, hurts me so much. I so want a little person to love on, to make me smile, to challenge me, to be proud of. I find myself shying away from people with children and staying out of their lives. Still watching from the sidelines, happy for them, but so sad for me and my hubby.
I start my 4th round of clomid tomorrow. I am not in a place of hope, but I will keep trying. Maybe someday it will be my turn. Maybe not. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I will continue to fight but I refuse to get my hopes up. I'll have to learn to live my life without the joy of my own children if our struggle continues indefinitely. I sincerely hope it never comes to that.