Florence

Hello all. There has been so much sad news today in the bloggie world. I am thinking about two mom's who lost their babies. Keep them in your prayers.
I am currently cycle day 20 and keeping my fingers crossed. My friend that I knew was pregnant told me yesterday. She was very excited and I did well pretending that I was too. I couldn't help but ask if they were trying. Yes, she replies, since October! It was hard for me to hide my annoyance but I did so anyways. I know how selfish I sound, it actually makes me sick for feeling this way. I just wish that she would have acknowledged how hard this must be for me. She knows what we've been going through and she made no acknowledgment of our feelings. It just pisses me off.
In better news I am heading to Florence today for New Years. I am ready to forget about babies, have fun with all my friends, and celebrate a new year where maybe all of mine and Sam's dreams will come true. Happy New Years to all!

Happy Holidays!

Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday. It was a little lonely here buy my tiny little family (Sam and Satchel and myself) made it special. We had a big holiday dinner on the 26th with our navy family. It was stressful getting ready for it, but it was so worth it. Everyone had a blast and the food was fantastic. I made an herb rubbed turkey from Ma.rtha Ste.wart with lemons and on onions on the inside. Two people told me it was the best turkey they had ever had :)
Sam and I spent the week fertilizing that big ole' follicle that I had on Tuesday. I think we had pretty good timing, but I usually think that. I got my + OPK on Saturday afternoon. I haven't gotten my temperature change yet though...hmmm. I may have messed it up because I slept in today, and I had a good amount of champagne and wine last night. I heard that that can mess that up. We may try again today, just for good measure, right?
I'm so excited that I only have two days of work this week and then we head to Florence. This will make my two week wait fly by...I hope. I've been so busy I haven't had much time to get sad so that is good :) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

My ovaries are awesome :)

I am so excited that the letrazole worked. I had my u/s today and I had a beautiful 18 by 20 mm follicle on the right side. It is only day 11 so it is likely I'll ovulate by day 14. I have NEVER had a cycle this close to normal. Maybe it'll be good for me to ovulate normally and it will give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I feel filled with hope right now. I think a Christmas miracle is in order. Please let it be in my uterus!!!!!

Letrozole/Femara whatever....

I started my letrozole on cycle day 3 and am taking it as prescribed by my OB until cycle day 9 which is longer that I believe is necessary. He thinks my ovaries are sluggish and that I may need a little extra stimulation. Who knows? I'm on 2.5mg daily for the 7 days. I finish today and have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see if I have anything brewing. I hope I do. On day 5 my OB calls my office and asks me if I started taking it yet. Uhhh, yeah just like you told me to on day 3. Then he launches into this whole story about how I should be taking 5mg per day instead of 2.5mg based on some study he read. I guess he's never really used this before and I am his lab rat. I don't mind, at least I'm not just sitting around doing nothing waiting to get back to the states where I can get some real treatments. Any who, he said we would try the 5mg next month so I am guessing he has no faith int his cycle either. Sigh......
So letrozole is supposed to to be better side effects wise and even has a higher rate of pregnancy (on the 5mg dose). I am not as hot, but I'm still having hot flashes. But I feel a little bit crazier than normal. I'm yelling and flying off the handle and frustrated but that might just be me being me. I'm sad about Christmas and being away from all my nieces and nephews. I'm not loving my job anymore. I'm frustrated that its been another year and I'm STILL NOT PREGNANT.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my friend that is pregnant too. She still hasn't told me but I know because someone else told me. So I just feel plain old awkward around her. I don't know how the hell to relax and just let it be. I catch myself staring at her stomach and thinking she didn't even want this or need this right now. I'm sick of how jealous I have become, of everyone. I wish I could just not care. How do I do that?

Feeling Christmasy :)

I am slightly hung over from our command Christmas part last night. I thought I would post a couple of pictures of our tree. We didn't do a photo card this year, it's too depressing for me because their should be a picture of our child on there but obviously that didn't happen. I decided good old fashioned cards would suffice this year, I dread receiving all the photo cards. I love them but they still hurt me just the same. Needless to say I got my lovely period on Saturday after spotting for 5 days. I have no idea what is going on with that. We decided that we are going to try the Letrozole (Femara) this cycle. I'll start on Monday through Friday. I go in for an ultrasound on the 21st to see if I have responded. I will give it about 5 cycles and then we will have to get mentally prepared for either IUI's or IVF. I'm not very hopeful, but I will still try to be. You never know what could happen. Why shouldn't it be my turn yet? I'm temping and charting as well too.

In Christmas news....I have baked a little bit, wrapped some gifts, and started packing up the boxes to send back home. I'm getting into the spirit but it's hard when the weather is in the 70's and I'm still bummed about my stupid period. Merry Christmas everyone, try to enjoy the holidays :)

And it begins again...

Remember my post a few weeks ago about how I was just waiting for my next friend to get pregnant? Well that time has come. Besides all the 19 year old enlisted people that I work with getting pregnant left and right, now my friend and colleague is pregnant. She hasn't told me yet but it's a small world that we work in and I heard it from someone else. I was just telling her last week about our struggles and our next moves. She didn't say a word to me. I feel like an idiot. And when I heard it from a friend, it was like a slap in the face. I hate feeling like this. Part of me is happy for her, good for her, she didn't have to struggle. She's in a great marriage, has a great job, and will be a wonderful mother. But part of me (the evil part) thinks "it must be nice, hmmmph!" To get pregnant so easily, to not even be trying, or to be trying and to be able to keep it to yourself. I don't tell everyone about our struggle but I do have a hard time keeping my mouth shut once I get going about infertility. I just feel annoyed I guess. That I try so hard and cannot have children and she has said on more than one occasion that she isn't sure she's ready for kids and is now pregnant. Life just isn't fair. I know this in my head but I keep feeling so sorry for myself. I need to just get over it, and realize that it just isn't my turn.