I hate Spotting!

I'm Rose. I never spot before my period, and if I do it's for like 4 hours. This is how it is. This is how it should be. This week my body through me for a loop. Since we timed intercourse and tried to have a no big deal approach to trying from now on, I somehow thought (in my crazy head) that THIS would be our month. Even though I told everyone we weren't trying anymore and even told Sam that we wouldn't be trying aggressively anymore...I was still trying. I still peed on my OPK, jumped my husbands bones when I needed to, and have been obsessively buying and peeing on home pregnancy tests. I'm sick, I need addiction help. I started spotting on Wed, just barely there brownish discharge for 2 days, then nothing, then reappears, then goes away again. Now mind you, this is all starting on 9 days post ovulation. This timing and light spotting that I never get leads me to think...IMPLANTATION BLEEDING. But alas no! I got my period this morning. Full on normal Rose period. This sucks!
I cried and cried the other night when I got my negative. I told Sam how it literally hurts me. How when I think about never having children I get this hard pit in my chest that literally aches and causes me so much pain. It felt good to cry. But I still can't let go of the grief I feel over not having a family of my own and over never being able to achieve a pregnancy.
I don't know where to go from here. I want to give up for awhile, think about other things, be happy with the life I have. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that will be all I need to get pregnant. My hope wains but it won't die. I want a family. I want to experience the joy of having a newborn baby cuddle up on my chest. I want to teach someone to read, ride a bike, and carve pumpkins. I don't want to miss out on all of those things, I will probably never give up my dream.