All By Myself, Don't Wanna Be All By Myself...Anymore.

So my lovely husband (with whom there has been fighting lately) has left for the states and I spent the weekend alone and off of work. It's a good break for us. I miss him already. I've been thinking about how I get angry at people and immediately write them off. This is one of the many things I wish that I could change about myself. You can't write your spouse off just because your angry. I can't mention divorce every time I get upset. We don't fight often but with the stress of living in an isolated overseas location, the realization that we are infertile, and my inability to not act like a 10 year old we've been having a few issues. I have not been myself since I've been on these medications. I don't blame the medications but I do feel like I've been under so much stress and pressure since I've been on them. Everyone is asking me if I'm pregnant, have I tried this, have I done that, why don't I just do IVF. It's exhausting and it makes me feel like it is my fault we are going through all of this. And I do sort of feel like I am alone in it. My husband says he "just knows it will happen, eventually." It's great that he has such an optimistic outlook, but I don't know that. I actually think the opposite. I just "know it probably won't happen for us". So I've been taking out my frustrations on this poor man, who rarely complains, let's me act like a mental patient, and moved halfway across the world for me. I SUCK! Yeah...he doesn't always know what to say to me or how to comfort me, but he's always been there and he always will be. He definitely deserves to be treated better than he has been. This will be my new project! Here is a picture of my honey and I. Love you Sammy!

So...I spent the weekend alone in the house, with my dog. I did go to the beach with a friend. I slept a lot, worked out a little, did some homework. I cried a little today with a friend of mine who is pregnant. She was asking about my treatments and I broke down a little when she said she didn't want me to hate her. I could never hate her, it just hurts to be around her. I don't want to be an awful person who pushes people away. I feel lucky to have her as a friend and I refuse to let my jealousy of her fertility ruin the good friendship we have. I just have to try hard not let it get in the way.