Avoiding everything...even my blog.

I've been avoiding everything lately and it has been easy so far. I have been away from home now for almost two weeks. I have so enjoyed my time in the states, learning about my new job, spending time with my niece and best friend, and shopping like money isn't an object. No matter how much you look forward to something like I have to this trip, it doesn't take away my sadness about my infertility. Frankly, seeing my very pregnant best friend, spending time with her beautiful daughter, and taking maternity pictures of their family was hard. Don't get me wrong, I love them all so much, but I was so reminded of how much she has and how little I have. Yeah...I'm jealous. She married Sam's brother, and although we have been together for 7 years, she managed to obtain everything I have ever wanted in my whole life in 2 and a half years. And they seem so happy. It would be easier to stomach if their life weren't so perfect. I am happy for them and I can't wait to meet my new nephew, but a part of me aches with envy for the family I may never have.
I think I'm being overly dramatic because I've been away from my hubby for two weeks. I miss him. I also started a bereavement conference for work today that lasts until Saturday. I cried like a baby today as we watched videos about loss and listened to stories from women who had babies that died shortly after birth. I felt like a fool. I have no right to truly grieve. They actually had children to miss, I'm just missing the life I thought I would have. I'm grieving the loss of my ability to bear children, to be a mother. It still hurts but I'm quite sure having a taste of motherhood and then having it taken away is far worse. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point, it's the ambivalence of the whole situation that is literally killing me.