Florence

Hello all. There has been so much sad news today in the bloggie world. I am thinking about two mom's who lost their babies. Keep them in your prayers.
I am currently cycle day 20 and keeping my fingers crossed. My friend that I knew was pregnant told me yesterday. She was very excited and I did well pretending that I was too. I couldn't help but ask if they were trying. Yes, she replies, since October! It was hard for me to hide my annoyance but I did so anyways. I know how selfish I sound, it actually makes me sick for feeling this way. I just wish that she would have acknowledged how hard this must be for me. She knows what we've been going through and she made no acknowledgment of our feelings. It just pisses me off.
In better news I am heading to Florence today for New Years. I am ready to forget about babies, have fun with all my friends, and celebrate a new year where maybe all of mine and Sam's dreams will come true. Happy New Years to all!

Happy Holidays!

Hope everyone had a beautiful holiday. It was a little lonely here buy my tiny little family (Sam and Satchel and myself) made it special. We had a big holiday dinner on the 26th with our navy family. It was stressful getting ready for it, but it was so worth it. Everyone had a blast and the food was fantastic. I made an herb rubbed turkey from Ma.rtha Ste.wart with lemons and on onions on the inside. Two people told me it was the best turkey they had ever had :)
Sam and I spent the week fertilizing that big ole' follicle that I had on Tuesday. I think we had pretty good timing, but I usually think that. I got my + OPK on Saturday afternoon. I haven't gotten my temperature change yet though...hmmm. I may have messed it up because I slept in today, and I had a good amount of champagne and wine last night. I heard that that can mess that up. We may try again today, just for good measure, right?
I'm so excited that I only have two days of work this week and then we head to Florence. This will make my two week wait fly by...I hope. I've been so busy I haven't had much time to get sad so that is good :) Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone.

My ovaries are awesome :)

I am so excited that the letrazole worked. I had my u/s today and I had a beautiful 18 by 20 mm follicle on the right side. It is only day 11 so it is likely I'll ovulate by day 14. I have NEVER had a cycle this close to normal. Maybe it'll be good for me to ovulate normally and it will give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I feel filled with hope right now. I think a Christmas miracle is in order. Please let it be in my uterus!!!!!

Letrozole/Femara whatever....

I started my letrozole on cycle day 3 and am taking it as prescribed by my OB until cycle day 9 which is longer that I believe is necessary. He thinks my ovaries are sluggish and that I may need a little extra stimulation. Who knows? I'm on 2.5mg daily for the 7 days. I finish today and have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see if I have anything brewing. I hope I do. On day 5 my OB calls my office and asks me if I started taking it yet. Uhhh, yeah just like you told me to on day 3. Then he launches into this whole story about how I should be taking 5mg per day instead of 2.5mg based on some study he read. I guess he's never really used this before and I am his lab rat. I don't mind, at least I'm not just sitting around doing nothing waiting to get back to the states where I can get some real treatments. Any who, he said we would try the 5mg next month so I am guessing he has no faith int his cycle either. Sigh......
So letrozole is supposed to to be better side effects wise and even has a higher rate of pregnancy (on the 5mg dose). I am not as hot, but I'm still having hot flashes. But I feel a little bit crazier than normal. I'm yelling and flying off the handle and frustrated but that might just be me being me. I'm sad about Christmas and being away from all my nieces and nephews. I'm not loving my job anymore. I'm frustrated that its been another year and I'm STILL NOT PREGNANT.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my friend that is pregnant too. She still hasn't told me but I know because someone else told me. So I just feel plain old awkward around her. I don't know how the hell to relax and just let it be. I catch myself staring at her stomach and thinking she didn't even want this or need this right now. I'm sick of how jealous I have become, of everyone. I wish I could just not care. How do I do that?

Feeling Christmasy :)

I am slightly hung over from our command Christmas part last night. I thought I would post a couple of pictures of our tree. We didn't do a photo card this year, it's too depressing for me because their should be a picture of our child on there but obviously that didn't happen. I decided good old fashioned cards would suffice this year, I dread receiving all the photo cards. I love them but they still hurt me just the same. Needless to say I got my lovely period on Saturday after spotting for 5 days. I have no idea what is going on with that. We decided that we are going to try the Letrozole (Femara) this cycle. I'll start on Monday through Friday. I go in for an ultrasound on the 21st to see if I have responded. I will give it about 5 cycles and then we will have to get mentally prepared for either IUI's or IVF. I'm not very hopeful, but I will still try to be. You never know what could happen. Why shouldn't it be my turn yet? I'm temping and charting as well too.

In Christmas news....I have baked a little bit, wrapped some gifts, and started packing up the boxes to send back home. I'm getting into the spirit but it's hard when the weather is in the 70's and I'm still bummed about my stupid period. Merry Christmas everyone, try to enjoy the holidays :)

And it begins again...

Remember my post a few weeks ago about how I was just waiting for my next friend to get pregnant? Well that time has come. Besides all the 19 year old enlisted people that I work with getting pregnant left and right, now my friend and colleague is pregnant. She hasn't told me yet but it's a small world that we work in and I heard it from someone else. I was just telling her last week about our struggles and our next moves. She didn't say a word to me. I feel like an idiot. And when I heard it from a friend, it was like a slap in the face. I hate feeling like this. Part of me is happy for her, good for her, she didn't have to struggle. She's in a great marriage, has a great job, and will be a wonderful mother. But part of me (the evil part) thinks "it must be nice, hmmmph!" To get pregnant so easily, to not even be trying, or to be trying and to be able to keep it to yourself. I don't tell everyone about our struggle but I do have a hard time keeping my mouth shut once I get going about infertility. I just feel annoyed I guess. That I try so hard and cannot have children and she has said on more than one occasion that she isn't sure she's ready for kids and is now pregnant. Life just isn't fair. I know this in my head but I keep feeling so sorry for myself. I need to just get over it, and realize that it just isn't my turn.

Thankful

As my first thanksgiving weekend off in years comes to a close, I sit at my computer pretty darn thankful. I'm thankful for Sam and the 7 years of ups and downs, laughing until we cry, fighting and making up, and support from each other. It hasn't been easy this year to be thankful but I am just the same. I'm also thankful that I have had 3 unmedicated and dare I say normal cycles over the last few months. I can't believe how much being on nights affected the length and normality of my cycles. I just ovulated yesterday and now begin my dreaded two week wait. I can get through it, but it definitely is not my favorite part of a cycle :) Good thing I have a paper and an exam to finish for school to distract me. And waiting for me at the end of my two weeks is fun command christmas party that I can't wait to get dressed up for.
We put up our tree on Friday and it looks amazing. I'll post pictures soon. My favorite part of christmas is sitting in a dark room with only the tree lights on. Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Always an Aunt, never a Mom.

My beautiful nephew Corbin was born today. I'm already in love with him, although I have not met him. I saw his beautiful face on sky.pe this afternoon and my heart instantly melted. I played the good aunt and friend, I asked how much he weighed, ooohhhed and ahhhed over his tiny toes and fingers, and listened to my BFF/sis in law's birth story. I smiled and felt true love for this tiny little man that I have never met. But when I hung up, I cried. I held my hubby and I cried. I hate feeling this way. So happy for my friend, but so sad and desperate for myself. I can't help but feel envy and pity for myself. I actually feel sorry for myself, how messed up is that?
The worst part is that my other friend here in sici.ly is ready to deliver any day too and I promised that I would be her nurse when she does. I'll have to relive this awful feeling again in a few days as I help bring her baby into this world. After that, I have no more close friends waiting to deliver. I'll just sit around and wait for the next pregnancy announcement and start this whole cycle all over again. Uggghhh.....when is it going to be our turn?

Avoiding everything...even my blog.

I've been avoiding everything lately and it has been easy so far. I have been away from home now for almost two weeks. I have so enjoyed my time in the states, learning about my new job, spending time with my niece and best friend, and shopping like money isn't an object. No matter how much you look forward to something like I have to this trip, it doesn't take away my sadness about my infertility. Frankly, seeing my very pregnant best friend, spending time with her beautiful daughter, and taking maternity pictures of their family was hard. Don't get me wrong, I love them all so much, but I was so reminded of how much she has and how little I have. Yeah...I'm jealous. She married Sam's brother, and although we have been together for 7 years, she managed to obtain everything I have ever wanted in my whole life in 2 and a half years. And they seem so happy. It would be easier to stomach if their life weren't so perfect. I am happy for them and I can't wait to meet my new nephew, but a part of me aches with envy for the family I may never have.
I think I'm being overly dramatic because I've been away from my hubby for two weeks. I miss him. I also started a bereavement conference for work today that lasts until Saturday. I cried like a baby today as we watched videos about loss and listened to stories from women who had babies that died shortly after birth. I felt like a fool. I have no right to truly grieve. They actually had children to miss, I'm just missing the life I thought I would have. I'm grieving the loss of my ability to bear children, to be a mother. It still hurts but I'm quite sure having a taste of motherhood and then having it taken away is far worse. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point, it's the ambivalence of the whole situation that is literally killing me.

Pushing it out of my mind.

I know I've been a little absent lately, and for that I do apologize. I haven't even been reading or commenting that much anymore. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and push the sadness out of my mind. Yeah, I'm still sad. I still think about my infertility everyday. I still hate that we are so far away from any form of testing or treatment. I soothe myself with a daily mantra that "it just isn't our turn yet". I like to think that someone upstairs has things he still wants us to do, to strengthen our marriage, to have fun before the responsibilities hit, and to really be prepared and thankful when we finally have a miracle of our own. I've been peeing on things again, and I personally think that is what always makes me the most sad. I hope and hope and hope for that second line, and it has never appeared. That one lonely line leaves an unmistakable pit in my stomach. I can't hide from it, I can't push it out of my mind and I definitely can forget about it. I always think while I'm waiting for the line to appear "why not me this time? I could be pregnant right?" It just sets me up for misery.
I ovulated two weekends ago (I think). I ran out of ovulation test kits and I received my new shipment after I had already ovulated. I had the breast tenderness and the EWCM on saturday. But my EWCM only lasted about 2 hours and I was at work so that pretty much screwed me from the get go. I also went to my crazy infertile place and listened to one of the nurses at work about this "rinse " that you squirt up your vagina (don't make me write the actual word :). It's a "rinse" made out of baking soda and water and it makes your vagina less acidic. So I frickin tried it. Am I crazy? I also used the instead cup that night to keep the sperm up there. I feel so foolish.
Not to mention the hubby hasn't been interested in sex since our marathon almost 2 weeks ago. So needless to say it's been awhile, and now it's going to be a while longer because he broke his collarbone playing flag football on Monday night and can't even put on a shirt, let alone hit the sheets with me. And I leave for 17 days of navy training in the states on Saturday. Now that is a true dry spell, wouldn't you say?
Speaking of my training, I am heading to Bethesda, MD on Saturday for one week, then 4 days of leave in RI with my sister in law and brother in law and their little girl, and then to Birmingham AL for a bereavement conference. I'm not excited about my patient safety conference in Bethesda but I am excited about the location. I'm heading to the Smithsonian on Sunday, all by myself. I can't wait to check it out for the first time as an adult. The last time I was there I was 6 years old and all I cared about was seeing the ruby slippers :) I also am going to go shopping for Christmas presents and just to look around American stores and see what I've been missing. Don't get me wrong the Italians have plenty of beautiful things to sell, but everything is so expensive and they are a little stuck in the 80's with the fashion, at least here in Sicily :)
I have mixed feelings about seeing my sister in law/BFF. She is 37 weeks pregnant and has a beautiful one year old that I adore. But it just kills me that she got pregnant so easily and mistakenly with her little ones. When she had addy she had only known sam's brother for one and a half months and had only seen him 3 times. It just burns me a little and I feel like I can't talk to her about my infertility. I need to be able to talk about it with my best friend.
My conference in AL is going to be wonderful and sad at the same time. It's dealing with how to comfort families that have lost a baby in utero, like stillbirths, miscarriages, or infants that are incompatible with life. I have cared for a lot of women going through these situations and I am going to learn how to teach other nurses to support and care for these women.
So that is what is going on with me. Pray for a miracle between now and Saturday when I should get my period. I would love to see that second line this week. Thanks ladies.

Busy Busy!

Hello all! I'm not dead just busy and a bit lazy on the blogging front. I have quite a bit going on right now. I've been getting ready to start my new job next month by cross training and making arrangements for the conference I'm attending in November in the states. I also had a test and a project due for my Nursing Theory class, my husbands birthday yesterday and my birthday today. And throw in a week of getting it on last week because the girl who doesn't ovulate, ovulated last week. ON MY OWN! There might be something to the my theory that night shift screwed up my cycles. I am by no means consistent with my cycles but at least they are closer together. I had a little trouble this week telling when I ovulated. I started having breast tenderness and EWCM last week Tuesday, but I had run out of ovulation tests and didn't get my shipment until Thursday. I never got a positive but we still tried and I think we did okay spreading the loving throughout the week. I tried my new Instead Soft Cups. It was weird but hopefully it did the trick.
I'm a kind of stressed out between school, my new job, and my upcoming weigh in this Friday. I've been exercising so much lately and am up to running 3 miles at a time, but I haven't lost any weight and I am about 4# above the limit for my height. Every 6 months we have this weigh in a physical test, and every six months I get all worried about it. I always pass when they tape measure me, but I hate worrying about it.
That's all for now. I've still been reading and thinking about all of you that I follow.

Another uneventful week

I'm still alive. I just have been lazy and haven't had much to report. I'm still waiting to see if I ovulate on my own. Today is day 16 and no signs yet. I have a feeling this is going to be a long month. I've been heavily procrastinating for school lately. I just can't seem to find my motivation. I don't know how to get myself going these days. I haven't seen my therapist this week and I don't think I'll make anymore appts. The last couple of times I felt like we were just rehashing things we had already talked about and it wasn't feeling very helpful anymore. I haven't fully decided yet so we shall see.
Things at home are good. Sam and I have been spending good amounts of time together just having fun. I'm feeling pretty good overall and it's helping with all of the relationships in my life. When I'm frustrated and depressed I shut down and shut everyone out. It just isn't healthy for me to be like that. Awww.....I'm growing!
Don't get me wrong, I still have my sad moments. I saw a friend's maternity pictures on Fac.ebook last night and felt a little teary afterward. They looked so perfect in their pictures with their beautiful little girl and her handsome husband and her beautiful bump. But I know that their marriage is in trouble and that her husband has said he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. No one is perfect and having a baby doesn't make everything better, it usually makes everything harder. When I remind myself of this, I tend to think that it's God's way of giving Sam and I the time we need together until we are truly ready to be parents. I would never want to ruin the good thing I have with Sam. But I also would never want to go through my whole life without experiencing the joy (and probably pain) of parenting.
I am still trying not to have any expectations for the next few cycles. I was talking with an OB at work the other day (occupational hazard I guess) and she was telling me about a new drug, letrosol, for ovulation induction. Supposedly it has less side effects (no hot flashes, thinned lining, or hostile cervical mucus) and she suggested that I try it. Has anyone taken this and been successful? I figure it's worth a try and I may use it in the new year. But for now I'm going to continue to try on my own. It's strange how much I hate thinking about cycling and treatments now. I get so caught up in how unfair it is that it has to be this much work and money to have a child. Uggghhh!

Q&A

Not much going on at our house these days. I'm gonna do this Q&A passed on to me by "Such a good Egg". Thanks Egg!

(1) What is your dream occupation?

I honestly love being a nurse but I always wanted to be an event planner. Weddings, birthdays, 50th anniversaries, and even baby showers (well not these days though). I am very organized and creative with invitations and favors. I loved planning our wedding and I love helping others with theirs. Ahhhh....to dream!

(2) What is the best dish that you can cook?

I pretty much am the worst cook ever. I tend to burn things easily. I can make really good spicy chili that my dad taught me how to make. I also like to bake. I love making cookies and cheesecakes.

(3) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?

I was mentioned in my high school news paper and the channel 4 news in Wisconsin for starting rescue breathing on a girl who had a seizure in my 8th period math class. All that lifeguard training came in handy when her airway occluded during her seizure. I was awfully nervous when it happened, I look back now and I didn't really do much, just opened her airway and put her in the recovery position. Everyone thought I was a hero!

(4) what’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?

I worked for my husband's ex stepdad one summer selling food at Jazz in the Park and other local events. I worked every Thursday thru Sunday from 8am-12pm. I rolled all the sushi, loaded the truck, set up our tent, sold food, tore down the tent, and reloaded the truck. The kicker....I had to wash all the dishes we used at the end of the night after working all day. And all for a shitty $8/hr. Thank god I got my degree!

(5) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

I thought I'd be married by the time I was 25, and have at least one kid by the time I was 30. Sam was 23 and I was 25 when we married. I still think I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world. No kids yet, but I'm always working to change that.

(6) What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?

I hate taking out the trash. In Sicily they have community dumpsters every few blocks. You have to put that stinky trash in your car and then drive it to the dumpster. I swear to god I've seen rats over there before too! I also hate vacuuming for some strange reason.

I love organizing my closet. Getting rid of stuff, coordinating things by color, collecting all the empty hangers. I LOVE IT!

(7) What’s your earliest memory?

I remember camping with my dad and my aunts and uncles at Turtle lake. I think I was 4 or 5. I got to stay in a tent with my Aunt Ann and she was young at the time so I thought she was so cool. She died when I was 8 so I like to remember that weekend.

Catching Up

Hello all! I received a great comment from someone this week and I wanted to say thanks. Has anyone else tried the instead cups? I just wonder how successful they are. I couldn't find much information about them. We are still on a modified "break". If I ovulate we will try. Who knows when I'll ovulate? So I'm not trying to get too excited about anything. I can't pursue any new treatments. There isn't anywhere reliable here to get an IUI or even talk about IVF. So I am stuck and I'm working on being okay with this limbo. The therapy has been helping. I feel more aware of my irrational tendencies. I see my recovery time, from the grief I experience after a BFN, has decreased. I still feel sad, but I'm dealing with it better. I'm trying so hard not to let my sadness overtake my life.
I'm taking time now to focus on getting healthy. I've been spinning a couple of times a week and running the other days. I read The Infertility Cure while I was away on vacation. I've cut out coffee (which sucks) and alcohol (which sucks more) and most sugar (which is just awful). I figure if I'm ever going to give up having kids I want to say I tried everything. Since I am not able to pursue treatments I thought traditional chinese medicine might be a good option. I'm still trying to find an acupuncturist here in Sicily, but I know there are at least a few here, so that is good news! I'm not being too strict about all the dietary restrictions, I'm just cleaning up my diet little by little. I feel pretty good so far.
I also wanted to share a little about Barcelona. We had such a fantastic time. We took a private walking tour in the gothic quarter which was amazing. Our guide took us all over and explained little things we never would have found on our own. We enjoyed Guell Parc on one of our days there and we also did a wine tour in the country side. The tapas were delicious and the sangria was fantastic! I'll definitely go back again someday. I'll leave you with a few pictures from our trip. Have a great weekend everyone!

I hate Spotting!

I'm Rose. I never spot before my period, and if I do it's for like 4 hours. This is how it is. This is how it should be. This week my body through me for a loop. Since we timed intercourse and tried to have a no big deal approach to trying from now on, I somehow thought (in my crazy head) that THIS would be our month. Even though I told everyone we weren't trying anymore and even told Sam that we wouldn't be trying aggressively anymore...I was still trying. I still peed on my OPK, jumped my husbands bones when I needed to, and have been obsessively buying and peeing on home pregnancy tests. I'm sick, I need addiction help. I started spotting on Wed, just barely there brownish discharge for 2 days, then nothing, then reappears, then goes away again. Now mind you, this is all starting on 9 days post ovulation. This timing and light spotting that I never get leads me to think...IMPLANTATION BLEEDING. But alas no! I got my period this morning. Full on normal Rose period. This sucks!
I cried and cried the other night when I got my negative. I told Sam how it literally hurts me. How when I think about never having children I get this hard pit in my chest that literally aches and causes me so much pain. It felt good to cry. But I still can't let go of the grief I feel over not having a family of my own and over never being able to achieve a pregnancy.
I don't know where to go from here. I want to give up for awhile, think about other things, be happy with the life I have. But in the back of my mind, I keep thinking that will be all I need to get pregnant. My hope wains but it won't die. I want a family. I want to experience the joy of having a newborn baby cuddle up on my chest. I want to teach someone to read, ride a bike, and carve pumpkins. I don't want to miss out on all of those things, I will probably never give up my dream.

+ OPK!!!!!

So I got my positive late on Saturday night/Sunday morning. On the upside of things I really am starting to know my body and I am super impressed by that. I noticed my specific symptoms and I am so happy that I was right about it. I also ovulated earlier than all my cycles on clomid (it was day 18) and I did it all on my own!!! No meds!!! This is exciting to me because my cycles have never been consistent and have NEVER been less than 35 days, ever. They've even been as long as 6 months and anywhere in between. I really think it has something to do with the fact that I have been purposefully focusing on anything and everything but having a baby. Yes, I've had my weak moments (aka using OPK's). But I'm still consciously trying to think about other stuff and not let getting pregnant stress me out. On the downside of things, in order to contribute to my effort of "being on a break", the hubs and I only had sex once during my fertile time. I didn't want to force it and I'm sick of TTC ruining our sex life. Everything is so mechanical so not spontaneous or even sexy. Sex has become strictly babymaking and I don't want that and I'm quite sure he doesn't either. The one time we did have was good, like us pre TTC good, and that is all that matters.
I had another therapy appt today and it went really well. We talked a lot about infertility again, the sense of loss, the effect on the marriage. But we also got into my childhood and she asked if next time we could talk about how I became who I am. I lost my dad when I was 19 and he was an alcoholic. I think a lot of who I am, the caretaker and the strong one, is due to the way I grew up. I think I'm ready to delve into why I get so depressed when things get tough. Hopefully there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
Well....I'm off to pack. Barcelona here I come! Have a great week everyone!

Taking a break ain't easy!

So I know, I'm on a break from TTC. I'm not on any meds, I have no treatments planned, but I'm still peeing on OPK's this week for some stupid reason. My nips started hurting a few days ago (sorry for the TMI) and I had a little EWCM and I just pull out my left over OPK's and started marking my territory. I just don't want to pass up any opportunity that I ovulate on my own. I haven't counted out my cycle days this month in an effort to really try and forget about all this pregnancy and baby business, but I know it hasn't quite been 3 weeks yet from the start of my cycle. I
f I ovulate this early on my own, I should be proud!!! I haven't gotten a positive yet, but it is getting a little darker each day. I usually ovulate between day 17-21 on clomid, but much much later on my own. We'll see what happens. Am I silly for doing this? My hubs saw one of my sticks laying out and scolded me, but he said he understands. It doesn't hurt to try on our own. It probably won't happen anyway.
In other news I had my second session with my therapist last tuesday. We talked a lot about my childhood and my marriage. I expect a lot out of everyone, including myself, and I have to adjust my expectations to something more realistic. It's one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. Accepting that life can't be perfect or thinking that you deserve some perfection after a life of hardship is just not realistic. Shitty things are going to happen, good things are going to happen. I have to work with what I have and deal with the rest, and then let all that bad stuff go. It's tough stuff that's for sure!
I've been having a rough week at work this week too. I had 3 12 hour night shifts in a row and we were so busy! Our tiny hospital usually does about 10 deliveries a month ( we only have 3 delivery rooms). In two days we did 5 deliveries, it was madness. I was the only nurse on, plus we had other three other medical patients on the floor. I felt like I was a real nurse again. I love labor and delivery and I had a good weekend with all the women. I don't feel jealous at work, for some reason, I just enjoy it. I got to snuggle on a bunch of babies which always helps. My job is great...sometimes! I was so tired that I just crashed out when I got home this morning and slept all day into the afternoon. It was fantastic.
I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend!

Courage and Control

Hello everyone! I'm still here. Just trying to stay positive and get through each day. It's been a struggle the last few days. I'm still using my stop sign technique, but I'm finding myself getting a little bit angry inside. Angry that other people are pregnant (who in my opinion don't deserve it), angry for feeling sorry for myself. I'm still pulling away from my sister in law who is pregnant. I miss her so much, but I just feel sad when I talk with her. I feel like she's experiencing this wonderful part of life that I am so wanting to be a part of. I feel like she's changed in a way that I can't possibly understand. I hate that it has come between us and I hate that I am jealous of the life that she has created for herself.
On a lighter note I decided to make a list of some fun things that have made me smile or feel semi good over the last few days. Here goes...
1. Entourage- I love this frickin show. It's a man's show. It's funny and I am totally addicted. Ari is my favorite. You should all check it out. At the very least it has some good looking men in it :)
2. Eat, Pray, Love the movie- I'm going to see this tomorrow night. I read the book en route to Italy last year and I loved reading about Elizabeth Gilbert's journey to getting back to herself. I just started reading her new book, Committed and I'm already loving it. Can't wait to see Julia, Javier, and James tear it up around the world. I hope it exceeds my expectations.
3. The Wild Trapeze- This is the new album by Brandon Boyd (the lead singer of Incubus). It is awesome! He played all the instruments, wrote all the songs, and sang them beautifully. The song Courage and Control has been my anthem for the last week. It brought tears to my eyes when I heard it and reminded me of how I have to handle this struggle I've been lugging around.
4. Barcelona- Just a week and a half and I'll be in Spain. Hopefully drinking spanish wine, strolling through markets, and just plain relaxing. I love having a trip to look forward to, and living here we've been spoiled with plenty to do travel wise.
5. Sweet Peach Tea - A good friend of mine gave me the perfect southern sweet tea recipe and I've been guzzling this stuff like it's going out of style. Since I am from the midwest, I never really liked sweet tea. But I must say this stuff is goooooood! Email me if you want the recipe:)
6. Running- I've been working out A LOT this week and I feel pretty good. I haven't lost a damn pound and I'm still eating like a pig but I feel pretty good. I like knowing that I can run an extended amount if I need to, and it's a great way to clear my head.

So there's my positivity for the week. I have my next therapy appointment on Tuesday and a busy week ahead of me. Talk again soon!

Therapy Session #1

I had my very first therapy session yesterday with a family counselor on base. It was so helpful and I feel so much better after just talking to her that one time. I'm going to call her E. Right when E started asking me why I was there I immediately started bawling. She said she could hear it in my voice when I called to make the appt. I couldn't keep my tears back as I explained to her how hard it is each month to get on such and excited anticipatory high of what could happen if you're pregnant and then to crash down to the lowest low of failure. She asked me what I was saying to myself in each of these phases and she gasped when I told her because she said she could see how awful that would be to set yourself up like that. I told her I thought about how many wks I would be at this holiday or what we would name the baby or when our parents could visit during my maternity leave. And when it ended badly I'd think I'll never my pregnant, this is my fault, why me, what is wrong with me.
She told me that since we can't get the type of medical treatments needed here in Sic.ily that I need to put this whole baby thing on a shelf. She said I can put all my expectations and sadness and worries about having a family in a box and put it up on a shelf. When I need to I can open that box and grieve, but not all the time. She said I'm carrying this grief around with me and that it is not god for me. She told me to talk less about baby type things with the hubs. She told me to make a plan for when we get home, as in what treatments we want, where we will go, and to start saving for it now. And she gave me a great technique that is helping me to stop thinking about being sad or even getting pregnant or babies in general. She told me to picture a big red stop sign each time I started to "go there". It sounds cheesy but it's really working for me.
She also scolded me for saying the word "should". I say I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the life that I have or I should be able to get pregnant or whatever else I say. She told me to feel how I feel and get rid of all the shoulds. I liked that.
Her version of therapy is solution based and she focuses on what is good in my life. I have good stuff here. And I think I can get to a place where I can live with my infertility. I don't have to accept it, because you never know what might happen. But I think I can live with it and make it part of my life without making it my whole life. I feel a lot better already and I can't wait to see her again next time.

Big Changes

Things are changing in our house these days. The biggest change is that we are stopping treatments until we return to the states. I have realized that after each month's BFN I am handling this whole infertility thing worse and worse. I am so depressed and disappointed and tearful for the few days before I get my period and the few days after. I feel guilty because this whole situation is my fault. I feel hopeless because nothing seems to work for us. And I feel downright depressed that I am childless and will probably always remain so. I put on a good front. I try to act like I don't care. I try so hard not to get my hopes up. I even fool myself sometimes. This stress is no good for me. I have gained weight, I sleep all the time, and I find myself pulling away from my support system.
When I broke down and told my hubby that I couldn't do this anymore, he reacted in an amazing and supportive way. But he also told me something that made me want to really STOP doing treatments instead of just saying that I wanted to. What he said was that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to have a baby here in Sic.ily. He says he went along with the treatments because he wanted to make me happy and because he does want to be a dad. He thinks that it would be too hard here, without the support system, the family. He isn't interested in the sub standard Ital.ian fertility treatments, and frankly neither am I. I've heard some awful things about how off the timing was for many ladies IUI's. I don't think I can handle the awful disappointment coupled with a hefty price tag. I don't know how some of you ladies do it, but I am in awe of you.
I just realized that I need to get myself right. I am so obsessed with being pregnant and having a child that I am completely ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. And if my life ends up being just Sam and Satchel and myself I need to accept that and realize that that is still a pretty amazing life. I have my first appointment with a family counselor on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to talking out all my uncertainties and learning how to better cope with all this stress.
Yes...I am sad that it is over. That I will not be a mom while I am here. That we will spend the next few years alone ...again. I hate waiting! But I know that I am not in a good place right now mentally and I NEED to feel like myself again. Being a parent isn't the only thing in life that makes it worthwhile. If motherhood never happens for me, I need to find another path that will make me happy.

Waiting is the hardest part...

Good morning all! I'm currently 7 days post ovulation and not too excited to continue waiting for the next 7 days. I have no hope. I will feel a cramp or a twinge, I'll notice that my nips are still sore, and for a split second I hope that maybe something is going on in there. Then I remind myself, that this is round 6 of clomid and nothing has happened so far, and nothing probably will. I hate feeling negative like this but I have to protect myself from the huge let down I've been feeling every month. It is torture.
I'm keeping myself busy with school work, beach days, good friends, and a great book. I just finished reading "The Heart of the Matter" by Emily Giffin. It was a little scandalous, but I loved it. She is one of my favorites. I'm working a lot this week, trying to get stuff done. All is well here in Sicily.
I'm planning on testing on Sunday night or Monday morning. If I can make myself just wait for my period to show I would be impressed. I just love peeing on things, that moment of hope while you wait. In that moment you try to convince yourself that it will be negative but secretly pray that it will be something different that that one frickin line. That this will be the time that you can rejoice and cry for a happy reason for a change. Ahhhh, someday (I hope)!

Waiting.....part deux!

So I've been waiting and waiting for my +opk and I finally got it last night. Yippeee!!! I was really worried that it was a cyst and I'd have to sit this cycle out. It was + last night at 8pm and was still + today at 6pm. I've been hitting the sheets with the hubby like it is my job since last Friday. I'm going to aim for another 2x over the next 2 days and then finally be able to relax and gear up for the second leg of my waiting (aka the TWW), part deux if you will. Doesn't it suck the toll that TTC takes on your se.x life? Not that I'm complaining about my husband or our se.x life but TTC just changes things. It seems like more work than fun. I'm trying really hard to keep it fun and Sam has a great attitude about it. I think it becomes work for the men too, and women forget that because we always assume that is all a guy wants :) We joke about it sometimes, but we both try to keep our end goal of having a family in mind.

I've been working really hard to keep my mind off of being infertile and focusing on enjoying my life now. I read this great book by Gretchen Rubin called The Happiness Project. It really helped me to realize all the things that I want to accomplish and how I'm letting infertility and my sadness surrounding our situation get in the way of truly being happy on a day to day basis. Today I woke up, laid out in the sun, went to the local Italian store for fresh produce, took my pup for a nice long walk in town, and made an incredible bruschetta. I got a lot accomplished today and I had fun. I realize how important being happy on a day to day basis is to maintaining my sanity during this constant waiting game.

Defeat!?!?

The last few days have sucked. I'm afraid to even say that because it can always get worse and it usually does. I'm in an especially foul mood because I was trying to take a certification exam for work. I was supposed to go to Spain with a friend for 4 days during which time we would take our test. I made a mistake on my application and the company will not help me and is keeping most of the fees I submitted. I'm out $215!!! And I don't get to go to Spain for the test. And they may not let all the other people who submitted applications for the test, take the test because without me there aren't enough candidates. I feel like a total JERK!!! The company doesn't have a customer service line and all questions and complaints are filtered through email, which sucks! So now I'm stressed about that.

Then...I went in for my U/S yesterday. No +opk's yet and I'm on cycle day 17 today. My dr. "thinks" its a follicle but said it may be a biforkated cyst. So I have to just wait and see if I ovulate and still try just in case to time intercourse. If I get my period, he wants to do a cycle day 3 U/S to make sure it is gone. More waiting... I knew the six rounds of clomid I've done wasn't good for me. When I told Sam about the possible cyst he got upset for the first time. He doesn't want my OB managing my infertility treatments anymore. He thinks he isn't qualified enough, and he's probably right. However, we have so little options. And Sam seems so resistant to going out in town to the Italian RE. Maybe this will open his mind a little.

I'm just going to try and relax. Let go of all the crap I can't change. I hope it takes away this awful mood I've been in.

Still here...

Hello all! Hope everyone is doing well out there. I'm hanging in there, cycle day 14. I've completed my cycle days 5-9 of 100mg of clomid. I'm having the same hot flashes, at night especially, and am having a lot of headaches this time. The hot flashes suck because it's been hot here everyday and we only have one A/C unit in our house (thankfully its in the bedroom). Plus my little pup Satchel is a heater and he has to lay next to his momma, ALWAYS :)
I have my U/S scheduled for Friday(cycle day 16) because my Dr was on vacation. And honestly, even though I always start using OPK's on cycle day 12 I have never gotten a + before cycle day 16. I was thinking about asking for a trigger injection this time. I've never had one but maybe that would help me hit my fertile window. I just feel like we are always missing our mark. I don't feel that way during the fertile time, but each time I see that BFN I always feel like we could have done something differently. Oh well...just have to wait and see.
In other news to keep myself busy I have been studying for a certification exam in Inpatient Obstetrics. If my paperwork goes through I'll be heading to Spain in September for my exam. I'm excited to see the other naval base and to have my certification out of the way. I'm also midway through my master's statistics course, which is awful! I've been spending a lot of time thinking about how awful I am at math :( How did I manage to get through undergrad? My nephew that had the traumatic brain injury last year got his "skully" put back on last week and went home from the hospital yesterday. Hurray! He was wearing a helmet for the last few months after he got an infection and had to have his bone flap removed. He's excited to lose the helmet and have his skully (bone flap as he calls it) back.
I'm also in the midst of planning our next few trips. I wish I knew what was going to happen. I wish I didn't have so much hope each cycle because I always think "I'll be this far along when we go on this trip, if this cycle works". It messes with my head. I have a few days of leave in September and am deciding between Prague and Barcelona. We also have a ski trip planned for February with some friends. Having the trips to look forward to keeps me focused and excited and breaks up the long three years that we will be here in Sicily. It also provides a welcome distraction from TTC. I'm off to day dream about Czech beer and Sangria, Spanish guitar, and foreign cities.....

Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder why infertility has interrupted your life, changed your plans, stolen your happiness? I do. I wonder why so many of my fellow bloggers are plagued with the burden of being infertile. I wonder why everyone has a friend (or 7 ) that has tried and tried for years. I wonder if plastic bottles, or poor diet, or the technology of infertility has morphed us seemingly normal healthy people into sad sacks of human beings incapable of producing or carrying life. I wonder if I hadn't been on birth control for 10 years if this would be happening to me? I wonder if my mother had used glass bottles when I was a baby instead of plastic ones would this be happening to me? I wonder if I only at organic and was able to lose these nagging 25 pounds of weight gain would I finally be able to conceive? And then I feel guilty because I wonder if I didn't worry and stress about it so much than maybe it could happen. Or maybe I'm not really doing everything that I could to make it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of wine during my 2WW, or run during my 2WW, or maybe I should have stayed laying down for 30 minutes after we get it on.
I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of wishing my life away. I'm sick of deluding myself into thinking that people with kids are happier and better people than myself. I want to be a mom. I have an ache in my chest to have a little one of my own, to feel like a real family that I never had a chance to be a part of. But when I am truly honest, I know I won't be a different happier person when I do have a family. People with kids don't have better marriages or better memories. They just have different ones. Ones that I want to have in addition to the life I have now. I have things that those families want too! I sleep in every day that I have off, I've traveled all over Europe, I have money to spend on things that I want, and I have time to devote to what I like. Neither lifestyle is perfect. Childless or parent...both have challenges. I have appreciated my childless life, I took advantage, I lived it up! But now I'm so ready for the next step.
Tomorrow I start clomid cycle #6. This is really only cycle #4 because the 1st two cycles I didn't respond, but the last three I did. I don't know what to do differently this cycle. Any suggestions? I feel like I tried to "do it" every day, every other day and I'm not sure which is better. My Dr says everyday is fine with Sam's count. I just feel like I'm missing my window every time. Either that or my CM is hostile or something! I'm not looking forward to the hot flashes in the 100 degree weather we've been having. But what can I do?

This sucks!

So I knew it was a long shot, and the 4 times I POAS this week should have got me ready for it. But I still had tears in my eyes when I got my period this morning. I just was so hoping it would be my turn. But alas, not my turn....again. I'm trying to look forward but it is so hard to be continually stuck in the same childless position. I loathe fa.cebook and the complaining posts of all my friends regarding their children and pregnancies. It's literally painful!
I spoke with my Dr today and looks like our only choice is more clomid at this point. He thinks because I was responding "so well" that it is our best option. I am stuck with this because we are in Italy and our hospital is so small. Any IUI's, injectible cycles, or IVF will be out of pocket and out in town. Our only bonus is that IVF is cheaper here with the same success rates, only about $7000! But still, the fact that I would have to pay for my own child, it just doesn't sit well with me. Who knows where we'll be a year from now?
I'm going to keep myself busy with school, a certification test I have to take coming up, and planning our next European adventure. I'm thinking Spain :) We also have an old school party to go to tomorrow night. I have a huge afro to wear and a hideous 70's dress. I'm hoping it will keep my mind off things.

I am weak....

My new sister in law (and BFF) and her daughter Addison.

I know I've been missing...it's because I'm ashamed. Ashamed that on my break month I peed on three ovulation test sticks (one of which was positive :), noticed when I had EWCM, and timed intercourse. What kind of a break month is that????? I am proud of myself that I ovulated on my own though :)
I've also been missing because I was home in the States for the last 15 days, you know the good old USA (also known as heaven when you've lived in a foreign country). I had so much fun and I so didn't want to come back. While I was home I attended two weddings, took care of my mom, saw all 5 of my little nieces or nephews, drank with my girlfriends, ate what I wanted, and felt happy for the first time in so long. Just being with people that I know and love meant the world to me and made me feel so much like the old me, the good me. Sam and I got to spend some time together and we are doing well. I survived the wedding with the three pregnant bellies and I handled myself with dignity and confidence as everyone of my relatives asked me when we were going to have a baby and responded "I know it will happen for you", when I gave them the down and dirty on our infertility. It was so hard but I took the beatings and kept on going. My mother in law was the worst, and I know she didn't mean to be. But....she said that it just must not be our time, things will happen when they are supposed to. Then why do people get pregnant from a one night stand? Is that their time to have a baby? I don't buy it.

The best part of being home was seeing my nephew Evan and my new little niece Addy. Evan had a traumatic brain injury in September last year and has been living without half of his skull for the last 3 months due to an infection. I was so happy to see he is the same happy, rambunctious, and fun little boy he used to be, just with a helmet on! And Addy has so much personality and character. She took to me right away and that sweet little girl melted my heart. While her parents danced their first dance at their wedding they gave Addy to me. I danced and sang to her with tears in my eyes and she fell right asleep. Being with her made me even more passionate about being a mother. I don't know exactly where we are headed next but the end result will be a family for Sam and I.Sam and his brother (the groom) Darien.

Sam and his beautiful sister Gabrielle.

Me and my Addy!

With my twin nieces Payton and Taylor!

My mom and Evan.

All Clear, Now What?

So the HSG wasn't too bad. It hurt like a mother when he threaded the catheter but I didn't even feel the dye going through. Lucky me, I only need two squirts of dye to show that my uterus and both fallopian tubes are all clear, just as my Dr. had suspected. How does this make me feel? Mixed feelings I suppose. Relieved because that I don't have yet another road block to getting pregnant, but also annoyed because there still isn't really a reason that I'm not getting pregnant. It has been mentioned that I may have PCOS, and I probably do, but no official diagnosis. I'm just not ovulating for some reason. And for some reason, I'm responding perfectly to the clomid but just not getting pregnant. Let the frustration ensue. I asked what the next step was and I'm not officially satisfied with my response. Apparently we cannot do IUI's at my hospital because the lab doesn't have sperm washing capabilities. So I would have to go out in town to see the Italian RE. Not so much excited about that. I've had limited experience with the Italian providers just transferring my own patients out in town, and I was not impressed. They seem to be 10 years+ behind the technology and care in the states. And the language barrier alone seems daunting. They send a translator for part of it, but no guarantees. Ughhh!

So my Dr and I decided to try 2 or 3 more cycles of clomid at 100mg for cycle days 5-10 (6 days) since I responded so well on my last cycle. We'll see what happens. I'm just going to wait to get my period on my own. Who knows when that will be?!? If not by the end of July I'll get some provera. I'm ready to enjoy my break though. I need it.

I'm on my 2nd week of being alone in Sicily. Not too bad so far. I worked all weekend and have been staying busy with friends on my days off. I am nervous about seeing my pregnant sister in law and her pregnant bridesmaids. I just don't want to be sad the whole time and wishing my life away. I have it pretty darn good, and I should be enjoying myself not hating myself. I'm going to make an appt with one of the counselors on base, just to talk and get some of these feelings off my chest. Hopefully it will help. Have a great week everyone!

Productive, just not Re-productive!

Another day without my hubs :( I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I spent the day being uber productive. My house is clean, laundry done, my pharm class has been completed, now what? I'll have the next two and a half weeks free from school which will be amazing but ultimately boring. I spent today finishing up a few last minute details for my upcoming trip to the states and I am getting really excited. 14 months is a long time to be away from the conveniences of the good old USA. I booked tickets to Da.ve Matt.hews in WI on the 4th of July. My three best girlfriends will be with me and I'm beyond excited. I also finished the car rental reservations and booked massages for my mom and I as a belated mother's day outing. We have two wedding to attend as well, where I get to drink excessively and dance my ass off, oh yeah and see some family while I'm at it :) I am truly looking forward to forgetting about Sicily and work and being in the military in general.

On the reproductive front...my HSG is scheduled for friday morning. After my procedure I have 10 hours left of my shift at the hospital. I hope it doesn't make me too uncomfortable. I'm nervous. I never thought that my tubes might be blocked but now it's all starting to make sense. What if they are? Maybe that's why everything has been so unsuccessful. Maybe I'll need surgery or maybe IVF will be our only option. Uggghhh! I hate thinking like that but it's all that's running through my head right now. I just want to get this over with and really enjoy my TTC break, while I secretly hope for a surprise natural BFP. I may sound negative a lot of the time but I am an eternal optimist.

All By Myself, Don't Wanna Be All By Myself...Anymore.

So my lovely husband (with whom there has been fighting lately) has left for the states and I spent the weekend alone and off of work. It's a good break for us. I miss him already. I've been thinking about how I get angry at people and immediately write them off. This is one of the many things I wish that I could change about myself. You can't write your spouse off just because your angry. I can't mention divorce every time I get upset. We don't fight often but with the stress of living in an isolated overseas location, the realization that we are infertile, and my inability to not act like a 10 year old we've been having a few issues. I have not been myself since I've been on these medications. I don't blame the medications but I do feel like I've been under so much stress and pressure since I've been on them. Everyone is asking me if I'm pregnant, have I tried this, have I done that, why don't I just do IVF. It's exhausting and it makes me feel like it is my fault we are going through all of this. And I do sort of feel like I am alone in it. My husband says he "just knows it will happen, eventually." It's great that he has such an optimistic outlook, but I don't know that. I actually think the opposite. I just "know it probably won't happen for us". So I've been taking out my frustrations on this poor man, who rarely complains, let's me act like a mental patient, and moved halfway across the world for me. I SUCK! Yeah...he doesn't always know what to say to me or how to comfort me, but he's always been there and he always will be. He definitely deserves to be treated better than he has been. This will be my new project! Here is a picture of my honey and I. Love you Sammy!

So...I spent the weekend alone in the house, with my dog. I did go to the beach with a friend. I slept a lot, worked out a little, did some homework. I cried a little today with a friend of mine who is pregnant. She was asking about my treatments and I broke down a little when she said she didn't want me to hate her. I could never hate her, it just hurts to be around her. I don't want to be an awful person who pushes people away. I feel lucky to have her as a friend and I refuse to let my jealousy of her fertility ruin the good friendship we have. I just have to try hard not let it get in the way.

Annoyed

I am just plain annoyed with everything today. My lovely husband decided yet again to piss me off. I am frustrated with the way I do everything he ever asks or take care of anything he ever needs but...when I am in need of something or something makes me uncomfortable he will not help me. He tries to push me to do it, to make me get over my fears or maybe because he is just lazy sometimes :) I know we'll get over this little tiff, but I do not need this right now.
I got my period on Memorial Day, just like I knew I would. I even took a test on Sunday holding onto my last ounce of hope. But alas no. I knew this was how this month would end, but it still hurts so much. I have to schedule my HSG now and then accept that this is our break month from TTC. We still have to talk with the doctor about what to do next. Injectibles and IUI's? More clomid? Different drugs? IVF? Adoption?
Just writing that I may need IVF gives me chills. It is so expensive and so emotionally hard on the couple. I'm honestly scared of it. I don't judge anyone else who has done it, and I definitely am considering it as an option. But to me I feel like I am messing with science and that it may cause me more heartache in the end. Maybe we just weren't meant to have children. What if my body can't carry a pregnancy and infertility is it's way of keeping me from the heartache of miscarriages? I just don't know if I can play god and then not expect issues. But I so want to have a family and it might be my only chance. Who knows!?! We definitely have a lot of talking to do.
My husband will be leaving on Friday for the States and I'm looking forward to the break. I can work out and eat healthy and watch what I want on TV and have all the snuggle time I need with Satchel, my pup. A little break from each other will do us some good. I head out to the states on the 23rd and I am so excited. Until next time... I leave you with a photo from our trip to the vineyard last weekend. I need more good weekends like this to keep me positive.

Feeling Low...

I feel like shit today. I took a test this morning at 11 days post ovulation. I knew it would be negative but it still completely devastated me. I feel like giving up hope. I am so frickin depressed. I guess I figured the more negative I was about this cycle, the more it would (hopefully) end in a better light. Like if I finally gave up and stopped trying it would finally happen. But now I see what is truly happening...nothing. Nothing is going to happen. My body is flawed, I will never get pregnant on my own. And more likely than not I will never get pregnant. I just feel so low. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My husband plays on the hospital softball team with my doctor. Yesterday they had a game and my doctor asked him how I was doing. Sam told him that we wanted to take a break if this cycle didn't work and that I had been pretty sad lately. My doctor actually said that he had been thinking about me and that he tries not to get emotionally involved with his patients but he can't help it with me, probably because we work together and are friends. It felt good to know that he cares, but it doesn't change the situation. I am infertile. I will never get pregnant. And I truly feel like giving up. I will never be a mom. I will never be filled with the joy of a hug or a smile from your child. I will never see my husbands dance with our baby or see him light up when our child walks for the first time. We will have quiet empty birthdays and christmas', we will have no grandchildren or warm family memories. It will be just the two of us growing old alone and probably dying alone. Man this is morbid! I hate feeling like this. It sucks....

Beach Bum

I spent today at the beach...again. I must say my tan is looking mighty fine. Frankly, I'd do anything right about now to postpone thinking about all the negative tests I've taken lately. I'm 10 days post ovulation and all my tests have been without that coveted second line. This month blows! I was so hopeful and now I just feel like a fool. My turn is not coming, and I will be chasing this pipe dream of pregnancy for the rest of my life. My period should be here by sunday and then I can officially start my break from TTC. This break is going to involve training for a marathon and drinking copious amounts of wine. Hopefully these two feats will give me some perspective on my life and what it really means to me. Like I have said before I am lucky in so many ways. How can I let this one failure in my life define who I am or how happy I am? It isn't right. Looks like I'll also be getting that HSG that I have been avoiding for 3 years. Damn!
Looking forward to feeling happy and free from worry again, we'll see when that happens. Have a great weekend. I'll be at work, ughhh!

Murder of a Millionaire...

I spent the weekend in a remote sicilian town at a winery playing one of those murder mystery games. What a blast! I admit I was a skeptic but it was so much fun. And I actually guessed who the murder was-BONUS! We laid by the pool during the day and spent today by the beach. We had an amazing sicilian meal and spent time with some great people. And the wine, oh the wine! Don't judge me please...I did indulge in several glasses of wine. I live in Italy and if I don't ever drink the wine because I'm always trying to have a baby, I know I'll never forgive myself. Of course once I'm pregnant I will no longer partake, but three years have passed and there was a decent amount of drinking going on throughout that time that I would have missed out on (there are also a few hangovers I wish I had missed out on!) I bought 6 bottles of wine and it would be my luck that I wouldn't be able to drink them...because dare I say it hopefully I am currently pregnant. I try and trick myself with things like that, like even if it's another BFN at least I'll have something to look forward to even if it's just wine.
I'm doing okay though this 2ww. It definitely is not going by quickly. I've been having sharp pains in my abdomen on the right side when I stand up. I'm definitely a little crampy, and the nips are not getting any less tender. Who knows though, my mind has played many tricks on me before. I'm trying to be hopeful but again truthfully I have a lot to look forward to and it would be pitiful for me to focus on another failure. I'm heading back to the states for two weeks. I'm going to see my best friends, my mom, I have two wedding to attend, and I can finally eat and shop in a country where I speak the language. Those are all good things to keep me going if I start getting sad. And if by chance I am lucky enough to be pregnant, I can share the news with everyone I love, in person, which means the world to me. I'll just leave it at I am trying to remain hopeful :) Have a good week everyone!

Finally some good news!

This has been a good week for us. Sam finally had a follow up SA (after two years!) and it went well. His count was 82 million (a 60 million improvement) and his morphology was 86% normal and motility was 50%. The motility is a little low but with a count like that who cares. You only need one right? I must admit I was relieved and happy to hear his count was so good but a little sad to carry the burden of infertility on my own. It really is "my fault" now. Sam tells me not to feel that way but I can't help it.
I just returned from my u/s (cycle day 17) and had two follicles on my left(23mm and 20mm) and one on my right (20mm). That's the most I've had and the largest ones I've had. So I should be ovulating this weekend, let the sex marathon begin :)
I almost feel hopeful today, I'm sure that will pass though.
In other news...I've been really good all week counting weight wat.chers points with a friend of mine at work and have been working out consistently. I'm happy to say I've lost 2# already! I'd like to lose about 20# but it'll take me awhile. It just feels good to be motivated and get moving. I've been laying on my couch a little too much this past year.

Mother's Day Blows...when you're far from home and still not pregnant.

It isn't even really mother's day here in Italy. We don't have american TV so there are no reminder commercials. We have no stores here like Target or Hallmark. I almost avoided the whole day like I had planned. But there is always fac.ebook to remind you that you are infertile, joyless, and completely incapable of being happy for others. There were about 300 "Happy mothers day to all the mothers out there" messages by the time I went to sleep last night. I used to be one of those people. Honoring the mothers, especially my own, used to be really important to me. I know what a hard but rewarding job it is...well obviously not first hand:( But for some reason, I am so jealous and bitter that I can't even muster up enough self control or politeness to say it to anyone, except for my own mother. I would rather say, "Happy Mother's Day, even though you don't deserve it and all you do is complain." Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
I didn't even get to talk to my own mother yesterday (the little cutie to your right). I called 3x, no one answered, no one called me back. The 7 hour time difference and my family's complete lack of technical knowledge prevent me from getting any calls from them. Sk.ype is not that hard to use people! But I figured I'd talk about my wonderful mother a little bit. My mom is fantastic, crazy, annoying, loving, and spontaneous. These are all things that I love and hate about her. She raised me and my two brothers on her own. She never relied on anyone and made herself successful without having parents of her own and without help from anyone. My mom is tough as nails and says it like it is. She swears like a sailor when she's mad, she has bouts of mania where she cleans and laughs and cries, and she is the best snuggler I know. When I go home, I still go lay in my mom's bed with her so we can snuggle. My mom has no husband or partner. She never complains. She always tries to make the best out of things. I admire her and aspire to be like her. Happy Mother's Day Mom. You're the only mother that means anything to me today. Thanks for the support.

Disappointment, but really what else is new?

Hello again, I am back. Currently on cycle day 12 and still have about a week to go until I even ovulate. I loathe my long cycles. Waiting is torture and I have had more than enough. DH is getting his second SA on Tuesday. First one was about a year and half ago and was on the low end of normal (22 million-with excellent motility and morphology). My doctor just wants to make sure we aren't dealing with crappy sperm too. I don't think that's the issue, I'm sure I'm the culprit to blame. My doctor also wanted me to take my clomid two extra days, which I have never heard of, in hopes of stimulating my follicles to grow a little more quickly. I was worried about over stimulation so I only did one extra day. So I'll start my OPK's tomorrow and have my U/S Wednesday morning. I am going into this cycle without hope, knowing that it will fail and looking forward to my upcoming break from all things infertility. The sad part is that I still hope that maybe if I can make myself not want it so badly it will finally happen. Is that weird? Everyone says it will happen when you stop trying, how do you stop trying? How do you keep yourself from wanting something so badly?I'm still suffering with some jealousy and anger about all my pregnant friends. I hate Face.book! I'm sick of all the complaining postings about nausea and exhaustion and getting fat. People don't use it for what it is really for, to stay connected to people. They use it as an outlet to brag about how fabulous their life and husbands and children are. I'm a firm believer that if you need to talk it up all the time, it must not be that good :) I sat and listened to a co-worker this morning talk about how cute her daughter is, how sick she is with this pregnancy, and how her house isn't big enough for her every growing family. Uggghhhh! I want to care about my friends. I know how important a new child is in their life. I know that world definitely doesn't revolve around me and my sadness. I'm focusing on my own sadness and losing the best part of myself. I used to be caring and compassionate. Now I feel spiteful and jealous and just plain ugly. I don't want to get close to anyone because I feel constant disappointment. I recognize my evil thoughts and never speak them, but how do I keep from feeling this way?Besides all my bitching...I did have a really great time on leave in Amsterdam. My husband enjoyed it more than anyone as he was the only one able to partake in the coffee shop experience. But the city was a amazing and it was Queens Day so everyone was in full party mode. I loved it! I drank a lot of great beer, at great food, and laughed my ass off with one of the funniest girls I know. We weren't able to make it to Brugges so I was a little disappointed but it just gives me an excuse to go back someday. Since we've moved here I've been trying to sharpen my photography skills and put to use all the beautiful scenery here. Let me know what you think?

Period + Vacation = Sucky!

So my cycle is over and a new one has begun. The last one for awhile. I know what you're thinking. "Rose, you've only done 5 cycles of clomid, why are you giving up so easily?" Well the answer is simple, I need a break. I will do this last 5th cycle of clomid and then I will get my break. I know it won't work, but my doctor wants me to try. I have no hope. I have let infertility steal all of my joy. Murgdan over at Conceive this posted this amazing video called Tears and Hope. I watched it three times yesterday and I cried my eyes out. I was crying so hard that it woke my husband up and he came down to check on me. I've let being infertile steal the joy out of my life and I don't want to experience these intense highs and lows every month. I psych myself up with hope at the beginning of each cycle and then I come crashing down with each failure. Each BFN sinks me deeper and deeper into depression and cynicism. So after this 5th cycle fails I can breathe, I can try and focus on the good things that I do have in my life and remember how it feels to be content again. I'm feeling rather ungrateful for my fabulous husband and the fact that I am living in Europe. I have amazing opportunities here and I am not enjoying them like I should.
So I've got a wicked period going on right now and we leave for Amsterdam tomorrow. Bad combo right? I'm excited to explore the city and drink some good beer and just be away from my job for awhile. But mostly I am excited to see my good friend Amy who is meeting us there. I have not seen her in a whole year and I am going to hug her so tight when I see her in two short days. I'm determined to enjoy this trip and make some great memories. I'll catch up with you all when I get back. Ciao!

Add it to the list!

So I work myself up this morning to POAS. Yesterday's was negative (of course) at 9 day post ovulation. I tell myself to prepare because it will most likely be negative. I do my business set it on the sink and stare. And it remains blank. I wasted my first morning urine on a damn defective HPT. Add it to the list of things that suck right now! All you can do is laugh, at least it wasn't negative! Oh well, there is literally nothing I can do right now. I have no symptoms to speak of except increased discharge and some breast tenderness. I am not convinced and I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up. I don't know if we will go into another cycle after this one fails, which sadly I'm sure it will. I feel like I need a break from being sad, from wanting a family so badly and feeling like a failure. Oh well! Life goes on right?

7 Days Post Ovulation and Getting a Little Batty!

I am up early this morning and this week could not go any slower! I'm 7 days post ovulation right now and I have one more week to go, ughh! I am not getting my hopes up this month. My wonderful husband is convinced that this is our month. I'm trying to keep his expectations low, but it's not working. He even told his mom that he thinks this is the month, we haven't really opened up too much to his side of the family about our struggles. I haven't been crying as much this week about all my pregnant friends. However, I still notice that they are both continuously complaining and talking about their pregnancies. Neither one has once said that they were happy to be pregnant. They may be trying to preserve my feelings but I see them both as truly ungrateful. Maybe all of their complaints are some way of trying to make me feel better, like they are trying to remind me that it's miserable being pregnant. Let me just remind them...NOT HELPFUL!

I've been keeping busy with school and planning our upcoming trip. I baked some delicious Rosemary Bread yesterday. I've been running again which is good. Life is good overall and I need to remind myself of that more.
I also now have 2 followers which is exciting for me! Thanks ladies! If anyone ever has any comments bring them on please. I love reading infertility and success after infertility blogs and these ladies have helped me through a lot of dark days. Thanks!

Infertility and friendships.

It is amazing what infertility does to your friendships. Now that two of the people I am closest with are pregnant I feel a tension building with each of them. I am increasingly annoyed by their complaints about the pregnancy. My sister-in-law/BFF, we'll call her S, is now telling her husband who in is in turn telling his brother (my husband) that she thinks I am mad at her because she is pregnant again. Why would I be mad at her? So they wanted another baby, what is so wrong with that? Yeah it seems like inconvenient timing considering their big vow renewal ceremony is coming up but it's their life not mine. Yeah, I'm hurt that it's not me, but it has nothing to do with her. I'm just sick of everyone making it about them. This is our hurt and our struggle and no one ever thinks to see how hard this is on me. No one thinks about who they are talking to, every time they complain about how sick they are or how tired or how they'll deal with two. I don't want to hear it. I would take any of that if it meant that I could possibly have a family someday. But I sit there with a fake smile plastered on my face listening to them bitch about all the challenges and cons of being pregnant. S has not asked me about how I'm feeling or if I'm dealing with everything okay. She hasn't asked me where we are in our cycle. And frankly I don't want to talk with her about it because she doesn't understand and she definitely doesn't care.
See what infertility does? It breeds tension with all the people you need to support you. I still love my nieces and I still ask about the pregnancies, because even though it hurts me I still care. And I am far from perfect, but I feel like I am trying the best I can. I wish someone would make and effort for us, so we wouldn't feel so alone in all of this. At least Sam and I have each other.

I loathe the two week wait...

So I think that I ovulated on Tuesday so I am only one day post ovulation which sucks. How am I going to make it another 13 days?!? I'm trying to keep myself busy but I'm obsessed. I go in waves of being so hopeful for this cycle and feeling like it'll never happen. I had read that 90% of pregnancies that occur with clomid occur within the first 4 cycles. Well this being cycle 4, I kind of have all eggs in this basket. If it doesn't work I'm already thinking that we will need a break. We'll be heading back to the states for 2 weeks at the end of June and I'd rather not be thinking about how or where we can get it on if it happens to fall on our fertile week. We'll be staying with our parents and friends and I'd rather eat and drink and have fun during that time if I can. But it's so hard to say your going to take a break. How can I not think about OPK's and timed intercourse and what point in my cycle I am at? It's virtually impossible. Oh well...we'll cross that bridge if we need to. I like the idea that this cycle would work, I can picture myself being able to tell all of our family in person while we are home. I like the idea of starting the new year with a family of 3! But I know better than to get my hopes up. Any distraction ideas?

2 pink lines...

Yeah baby! +OPK tonight, time to get down to business. Nothing like seeing two pink lines, now if only they could be on the other kind of stick you pee on :) Oh well, at least I'm finally ovulating! We'll see where this month leads.

The Tudors

So because Sam and I live in the middle of nowhere and because our TV choices are severely limited we've been renting a lot of TV on dvd. We got into We.eds and En.tourage while we've been here and we just started watching The T.udors. I LOVE this show! I think the main character looks a lot like my husband which is awesome because I get to drool over the Henry on TV and then I look to my left and what do you know I have my own real life version at my disposal! I think my husband is better looking but don't tell him I said that or he'll get a huge head! You be the judge:

I haven't fully figured out how to arrange the pictures to my liking. The pictures were supposed to be below the test. Help me out ladies!