No one ever said I was bright.

I was wrong. My follicle was still there, 20x28. I took my first of what I fear will be many injections yesterday. This may not be a big deal to most, but this is the beginning for me. I just really was hoping it wouldn't get to this point. But I manned up and I got my trigger shot. I think most people doing triggers do them in the butt, but the girl that did mine was a friend so I chose the arm. That sucker hurt! I'm not big on needles. So it's done, and now I wait.
I had a good cry tonight with the hubs. He said that he wants to be done for the year after these two cycles are over. I cried because it became clear that he has no hope either (and frankly, after 11 unsuccessful cycles can you blame the guy?) He was the hopeful one before, he always said he "just knew it would happen". Well apparently now he knows it will happen, just not this year. I see where he's coming from, we're officially benched after this. There are no options for treatment here. But I guess I just assumed I would still temp and do my OPK's and time intercourse. You know.....just in case. But now I realize he wants a break, and as much as I say I want a break, I'm not sure I'm ready to give it all up. I pretend I don't care but this shit is an obsession. I think about babies, our babies, holidays, birth, pregnancy, treatment, what if blah, blah, blah, all day long, every frickin day. It's exhausting, but I don't know how else to be.
So as much as I was looking forward to being done with treatment, I still thought we would be trying (just half assed trying, no whole assed trying). It's just a lot to take in. I broke down today because this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know what I want to do or how I'll handle all this, but I know I'll keep going. Life doesn't stop because of grief or pain. I'll keep hurting but I'll keep going too. I guess I'll just try to find some comfort in that.

Feeling Low...

I feel like shit today. I took a test this morning at 11 days post ovulation. I knew it would be negative but it still completely devastated me. I feel like giving up hope. I am so frickin depressed. I guess I figured the more negative I was about this cycle, the more it would (hopefully) end in a better light. Like if I finally gave up and stopped trying it would finally happen. But now I see what is truly happening...nothing. Nothing is going to happen. My body is flawed, I will never get pregnant on my own. And more likely than not I will never get pregnant. I just feel so low. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My husband plays on the hospital softball team with my doctor. Yesterday they had a game and my doctor asked him how I was doing. Sam told him that we wanted to take a break if this cycle didn't work and that I had been pretty sad lately. My doctor actually said that he had been thinking about me and that he tries not to get emotionally involved with his patients but he can't help it with me, probably because we work together and are friends. It felt good to know that he cares, but it doesn't change the situation. I am infertile. I will never get pregnant. And I truly feel like giving up. I will never be a mom. I will never be filled with the joy of a hug or a smile from your child. I will never see my husbands dance with our baby or see him light up when our child walks for the first time. We will have quiet empty birthdays and christmas', we will have no grandchildren or warm family memories. It will be just the two of us growing old alone and probably dying alone. Man this is morbid! I hate feeling like this. It sucks....

Disappointment, but really what else is new?

Hello again, I am back. Currently on cycle day 12 and still have about a week to go until I even ovulate. I loathe my long cycles. Waiting is torture and I have had more than enough. DH is getting his second SA on Tuesday. First one was about a year and half ago and was on the low end of normal (22 million-with excellent motility and morphology). My doctor just wants to make sure we aren't dealing with crappy sperm too. I don't think that's the issue, I'm sure I'm the culprit to blame. My doctor also wanted me to take my clomid two extra days, which I have never heard of, in hopes of stimulating my follicles to grow a little more quickly. I was worried about over stimulation so I only did one extra day. So I'll start my OPK's tomorrow and have my U/S Wednesday morning. I am going into this cycle without hope, knowing that it will fail and looking forward to my upcoming break from all things infertility. The sad part is that I still hope that maybe if I can make myself not want it so badly it will finally happen. Is that weird? Everyone says it will happen when you stop trying, how do you stop trying? How do you keep yourself from wanting something so badly?I'm still suffering with some jealousy and anger about all my pregnant friends. I hate Face.book! I'm sick of all the complaining postings about nausea and exhaustion and getting fat. People don't use it for what it is really for, to stay connected to people. They use it as an outlet to brag about how fabulous their life and husbands and children are. I'm a firm believer that if you need to talk it up all the time, it must not be that good :) I sat and listened to a co-worker this morning talk about how cute her daughter is, how sick she is with this pregnancy, and how her house isn't big enough for her every growing family. Uggghhhh! I want to care about my friends. I know how important a new child is in their life. I know that world definitely doesn't revolve around me and my sadness. I'm focusing on my own sadness and losing the best part of myself. I used to be caring and compassionate. Now I feel spiteful and jealous and just plain ugly. I don't want to get close to anyone because I feel constant disappointment. I recognize my evil thoughts and never speak them, but how do I keep from feeling this way?Besides all my bitching...I did have a really great time on leave in Amsterdam. My husband enjoyed it more than anyone as he was the only one able to partake in the coffee shop experience. But the city was a amazing and it was Queens Day so everyone was in full party mode. I loved it! I drank a lot of great beer, at great food, and laughed my ass off with one of the funniest girls I know. We weren't able to make it to Brugges so I was a little disappointed but it just gives me an excuse to go back someday. Since we've moved here I've been trying to sharpen my photography skills and put to use all the beautiful scenery here. Let me know what you think?

Add it to the list!

So I work myself up this morning to POAS. Yesterday's was negative (of course) at 9 day post ovulation. I tell myself to prepare because it will most likely be negative. I do my business set it on the sink and stare. And it remains blank. I wasted my first morning urine on a damn defective HPT. Add it to the list of things that suck right now! All you can do is laugh, at least it wasn't negative! Oh well, there is literally nothing I can do right now. I have no symptoms to speak of except increased discharge and some breast tenderness. I am not convinced and I am desperately trying not to get my hopes up. I don't know if we will go into another cycle after this one fails, which sadly I'm sure it will. I feel like I need a break from being sad, from wanting a family so badly and feeling like a failure. Oh well! Life goes on right?

Another one bites the dust!

I hate feeling like this! I will always feel the insane pang of jealousy each time someone announces their pregnancy to me. My friend from work, who has been very supportive of my infertility and extremely sensitive to me at all other times, told me today rather casually that she is pregnant. She has a one year old daughter and had been kind of trying (while still breastfeeding) for about 7 months. I DO feel happy for her, that her little girl will have a brother or sister, and that she can finally stop worrying about when they'll get their second child. But I am still sitting here with empty arms and a broken heart. My poor husband has no idea what to say anymore, I have no idea what to say anymore.
I said congratulations and gave her a hug. Her telling me shouldn't ruin this moment for her. I took myself out of the equation those few minutes and tried to be supportive and a good friend. I realize that not every moment is about me. But when she left, I felt that jealousy and envy and pure sadness spread throughout my body. I teared up and felt yet again that I will always be on the outside looking in. I am playing mind games with myself. Making myself believe that I must not deserve to be a mother, because god has yet to bless me with a child. Maybe this is my life's struggle, to want something so badly and to never achieve that goal. I don't want to feel eternally hopeless. I want to be happy, for myself and for others. I know I have so much to be grateful for. But the very thought of never being a mother...leaves me sick inside.
I'm sorry for all the complaining, just having a rough couple of days. I want my own mom. I haven't seen her in almost a year, that is just too long. Being in Sicily is not easy, I miss having real family and friends. Navy life is rough. At least the view is good, this is the view from my rooftop. Enjoy!

Lazy Weekend...

I had the entire weekend off, a rare event for an active duty nurse, and I barely did anything but mope. I am on my one week break from grad school, which ends today, so I took advantage of cleaning and organizing that I have been putting off. My husband was playing softball all day yesterday and worked today so I haven't spent much time with him. I find myself getting tearful at every show on TV and torturing myself by reading infertility blogs and looking up baby garb on the internet. Every where I go there are pregnant women and babies. At work, at the NEX, in my apartment complex, plastered all over facebook. I find I am taking these pregnancy announcement a lot harder than I used to. I feel personally attacked by every idiot who accidentally gets pregnant. Including my best friend. She got pregnant by my husband's brother a month after they met at our wedding and gave my mother in law a grandchild before I even had a chance. I love my new niece to pieces but seeing their happy little family together on skype and on facebook, hurts me so much. I so want a little person to love on, to make me smile, to challenge me, to be proud of. I find myself shying away from people with children and staying out of their lives. Still watching from the sidelines, happy for them, but so sad for me and my hubby.
I start my 4th round of clomid tomorrow. I am not in a place of hope, but I will keep trying. Maybe someday it will be my turn. Maybe not. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I will continue to fight but I refuse to get my hopes up. I'll have to learn to live my life without the joy of my own children if our struggle continues indefinitely. I sincerely hope it never comes to that.

Virgin Blogger

Hello to anyone who may find me. This is my first blog attemp, I'm Rose. I'm starting this blog at the bitter end of a two week wait. I've been lurking for 2 years, secretly reading your stories, learning from your struggles, enjoying watching everyone achieve their goals of becoming parents. I have not achieved my goals, I have not found a way to cope, and I am seriously hoping this is it. I was so sure that this month would work, would be different. But alas no...

A little about me I guess. I'm 28 years old, married for 3 years to a wonderful guy. I am a labor and delivery nurse in the Navy. I am currently stationed overseas in Italy. We've been TTC for 2 and a half years. I have PCOS and just finished my third round of clomid without success. I am in love with my dog Satchel, he is truly one of the only things that can console me.

I love scrapbooking and traveling. I just started running to try and lose a few pounds and to distract me from all things pregnancy and baby related.

Everywhere I go, especially after AF shows up or you get a BFN, there is a pregnant lady or a baby. My job consists of caring for pregnant women, which I absolutely love, but it also tortures me. I just have this gnawing feeling it will never be our turn. That my arms will remain empty and I will always feel this longing to be a part of the amazing birth process that I see everyday. I'm jaded today, sorry! AF just showed up today, right when I should be getting my BFP and jumping for joy. Instead I'll curl up on the couch, and pretend that my heart isn't aching.