Big Changes

Things are changing in our house these days. The biggest change is that we are stopping treatments until we return to the states. I have realized that after each month's BFN I am handling this whole infertility thing worse and worse. I am so depressed and disappointed and tearful for the few days before I get my period and the few days after. I feel guilty because this whole situation is my fault. I feel hopeless because nothing seems to work for us. And I feel downright depressed that I am childless and will probably always remain so. I put on a good front. I try to act like I don't care. I try so hard not to get my hopes up. I even fool myself sometimes. This stress is no good for me. I have gained weight, I sleep all the time, and I find myself pulling away from my support system.
When I broke down and told my hubby that I couldn't do this anymore, he reacted in an amazing and supportive way. But he also told me something that made me want to really STOP doing treatments instead of just saying that I wanted to. What he said was that he doesn't think it is a good idea for us to have a baby here in Sic.ily. He says he went along with the treatments because he wanted to make me happy and because he does want to be a dad. He thinks that it would be too hard here, without the support system, the family. He isn't interested in the sub standard Ital.ian fertility treatments, and frankly neither am I. I've heard some awful things about how off the timing was for many ladies IUI's. I don't think I can handle the awful disappointment coupled with a hefty price tag. I don't know how some of you ladies do it, but I am in awe of you.
I just realized that I need to get myself right. I am so obsessed with being pregnant and having a child that I am completely ungrateful for all the wonderful things in my life. And if my life ends up being just Sam and Satchel and myself I need to accept that and realize that that is still a pretty amazing life. I have my first appointment with a family counselor on Friday afternoon. I'm looking forward to talking out all my uncertainties and learning how to better cope with all this stress.
Yes...I am sad that it is over. That I will not be a mom while I am here. That we will spend the next few years alone ...again. I hate waiting! But I know that I am not in a good place right now mentally and I NEED to feel like myself again. Being a parent isn't the only thing in life that makes it worthwhile. If motherhood never happens for me, I need to find another path that will make me happy.

Finally some good news!

This has been a good week for us. Sam finally had a follow up SA (after two years!) and it went well. His count was 82 million (a 60 million improvement) and his morphology was 86% normal and motility was 50%. The motility is a little low but with a count like that who cares. You only need one right? I must admit I was relieved and happy to hear his count was so good but a little sad to carry the burden of infertility on my own. It really is "my fault" now. Sam tells me not to feel that way but I can't help it.
I just returned from my u/s (cycle day 17) and had two follicles on my left(23mm and 20mm) and one on my right (20mm). That's the most I've had and the largest ones I've had. So I should be ovulating this weekend, let the sex marathon begin :)
I almost feel hopeful today, I'm sure that will pass though.
In other news...I've been really good all week counting weight wat.chers points with a friend of mine at work and have been working out consistently. I'm happy to say I've lost 2# already! I'd like to lose about 20# but it'll take me awhile. It just feels good to be motivated and get moving. I've been laying on my couch a little too much this past year.

I loathe the two week wait...

So I think that I ovulated on Tuesday so I am only one day post ovulation which sucks. How am I going to make it another 13 days?!? I'm trying to keep myself busy but I'm obsessed. I go in waves of being so hopeful for this cycle and feeling like it'll never happen. I had read that 90% of pregnancies that occur with clomid occur within the first 4 cycles. Well this being cycle 4, I kind of have all eggs in this basket. If it doesn't work I'm already thinking that we will need a break. We'll be heading back to the states for 2 weeks at the end of June and I'd rather not be thinking about how or where we can get it on if it happens to fall on our fertile week. We'll be staying with our parents and friends and I'd rather eat and drink and have fun during that time if I can. But it's so hard to say your going to take a break. How can I not think about OPK's and timed intercourse and what point in my cycle I am at? It's virtually impossible. Oh well...we'll cross that bridge if we need to. I like the idea that this cycle would work, I can picture myself being able to tell all of our family in person while we are home. I like the idea of starting the new year with a family of 3! But I know better than to get my hopes up. Any distraction ideas?

2 pink lines...

Yeah baby! +OPK tonight, time to get down to business. Nothing like seeing two pink lines, now if only they could be on the other kind of stick you pee on :) Oh well, at least I'm finally ovulating! We'll see where this month leads.

Clinging to hope...

I had my follie check this AM. I had a meeting yesterday at work around 2pm and worked at 7pm so I decided to stay on base instead of schlepping all the way back home and then back to base again. I got a run in before my meeting, went to my stupid (only 3 of us showed up) meeting, and then proceeded to work a 12 hour night shift. Ahhh, the joys of being active duty navy! My follie check was this morning. My doctor told me to stop by the clinic (downstairs from my unit - score!) after work so I could get home and get some sleep. He forgot about me! I waited an hour and he finally showed up. So now I'm cranky and sleep deprived and unhopeful, what a combo! So today is cycle day 15 and I usually ovulate day 18 or 19 on 100mg of clomid. I had two follies in my left ovary, but they were only 16 and 17mm. Hopefully they'll grow a little more in the next few days, but I'm not excited about these #'s. Last month on day 12 I had an 18 mm follie and ovulated on day 19. How long is this frickin cycle going to last? All I can do is breathe and attempt to remain calm. I just hate that I have to wait for the dreaded two week wait to even start!
Grow follies! Grow!
In other news, only 21 days until Amsterdam and Brussels! Which means 21 days until I see my good friend Amy. Can't wait to relax and drink some Belgian Beers.

Moving On...

I have been trying to let go of the pain from this months BFN and look forward to what may come with our next cycle. Things are a little different for me than most of you I'm sure. I live in Sicily and am a nurse on the multiservice ward at our teeny tiny hospital. I work with every patient admitted to our hospital, including laboring women, pediatrics, surgical patients...meaning I work with all the doctors too. So I don't have an RE, due to our small population. I have an OB acting as an RE, which in my opinion is not a great of an option. I love my doctor, but he isn't quite the expert that some people have the pleasure of working with. The most we can do at our hospital is injectables, so once we hit that mark, we are officially on hiatus during our stay in Italy.

Needless to say because I work with my doctor, I see him everyday. This has advantages and disadvantages. Advantages include asking questions any time I need to, having his home phone number, having his respect as a nurse, being able to look up my own labs, can be seen anytime and any day, and he watches my dog for me when I go on vacation. Disadvantages include, seeing him in the stirrups and then having to see him 20 minutes later in the hallway, it's just awkward. But I'm thankful that I have him, and he said he's confident he'll be able to "get me pregnant". I wish I could convince myself to be as confident.

On to happier events like traveling. As my blog is entitled I am living in Italy (and infertile...but I digress). We have been here for almost a year and have definitely taken advantage of the travel opportunities. We have gone some amazing places, but we have so much left to see! Our next stop is Brussels, Bruges, and Amsterdam. I am so excited to explore Holland and Belgium. The Heinekin Experience, Van Gogh Museum, and the Anne Frank House are all on our list to see. If I don't get pregnant this coming cycle at least I'll have some good beer to comfort me. Optimism!

I'll leave you with a picture of my little dog Satchel, he keeps me sane and hopeful. Isn't he the cutest? Have a great weekend everyone!