Clinging to hope...

I had my follie check this AM. I had a meeting yesterday at work around 2pm and worked at 7pm so I decided to stay on base instead of schlepping all the way back home and then back to base again. I got a run in before my meeting, went to my stupid (only 3 of us showed up) meeting, and then proceeded to work a 12 hour night shift. Ahhh, the joys of being active duty navy! My follie check was this morning. My doctor told me to stop by the clinic (downstairs from my unit - score!) after work so I could get home and get some sleep. He forgot about me! I waited an hour and he finally showed up. So now I'm cranky and sleep deprived and unhopeful, what a combo! So today is cycle day 15 and I usually ovulate day 18 or 19 on 100mg of clomid. I had two follies in my left ovary, but they were only 16 and 17mm. Hopefully they'll grow a little more in the next few days, but I'm not excited about these #'s. Last month on day 12 I had an 18 mm follie and ovulated on day 19. How long is this frickin cycle going to last? All I can do is breathe and attempt to remain calm. I just hate that I have to wait for the dreaded two week wait to even start!
Grow follies! Grow!
In other news, only 21 days until Amsterdam and Brussels! Which means 21 days until I see my good friend Amy. Can't wait to relax and drink some Belgian Beers.

Just freakin shoot me already!

I need to be put out of my misery, seriously! What calls for two posts in one day you may ask? How about yet another pregnancy announcement. How many is that in the last two weeks? Three, that's right THREE!!!! This one hurts the worst. My new sister in law (also happens to be my best friend) met my husband's brother at our wedding and got pregnant less than a month later. They have a beautiful little girl that just turned one. She took her IUD out and surprise, surprise she's pregnant again two weeks later. She tells me after talking to me for over an hour and she's been holding on to this secret for a month. When she told me she was pregnant the first time I cried my ass off right in her face. I was scared for her (my brother in law wasn't as responsible then as he is now) and completely devastated for myself. This time I held it together for 20 minutes, congratulated her and her husband and tried to convince myself that I really was happy for her. As soon as I hung up on skype I burst into tears. I am happy for her if this is what she wants, but it hurts me so much. I have a pit in my chest of shear sadness. It astounds me how unfair this process is. How easy it is for them to accidentally get pregnant twice and how impossible it seems for me to ever conceive. I'm humiliated that I've spoken to them about our struggle. And even more humiliated to have to face them at the wedding coming up in June. I'll get through this, but right now it feels better just to let myself feel sad.

Night Shift...ughh!

Sorry I have been missing, not that anyone reads this yet, but maybe someday :) I had a good excuse for being gone, night shift! Anyone who is a nurse knows what I am talking about. In the navy they make you rotate every 2 months from day to night shift. I usually love nights, as I am not a morning person but this weeks transition has been rough. To boot, it was ungodly slow at work this week.
I am in the midst of cycle #4 on clomid and feeling like crap physically and emotionally. I've been torturing myself by looking up the success rates of this cycle and all the crap I've read is not motivating. Blah, Blah, Blah if you don't get pregnant by the third cycle pretty much forget about it. I am so fearful of moving onto other options. Mostly because I'm just not sure there is much else I can do here, and I'm stuck here for the next 2 years! I also really thought that all I would need was a smidge of clomid to get pregnant. And facing the fact that it will take a lot more is really taking it's toll on me.
I did well today dealing with my newly pregnant friend at work. But I definitely flinched when she began complaining about her due date and not being able to head back to the states for Christmas. I understand the inconvenience but AT LEAST YOU ARE PREGNANT!!! I just don't want to hear about it, after everything she went through to get pregnant and everything I continue to go through on a daily basis. It's just plain annoying.
So on top of being irritable, and emotional as hell, I've been having hot flashes like a mad woman. I literally wake up sweating my ass off in the middle of the night, completely drenched. I hope that's a sign that it's working, but I refuse to get my hopes up. My monitoring U/S is Thursday morning on cycle day 15. I've been ovulating on day 18 or 19. We'll see, who knows!

Another one bites the dust!

I hate feeling like this! I will always feel the insane pang of jealousy each time someone announces their pregnancy to me. My friend from work, who has been very supportive of my infertility and extremely sensitive to me at all other times, told me today rather casually that she is pregnant. She has a one year old daughter and had been kind of trying (while still breastfeeding) for about 7 months. I DO feel happy for her, that her little girl will have a brother or sister, and that she can finally stop worrying about when they'll get their second child. But I am still sitting here with empty arms and a broken heart. My poor husband has no idea what to say anymore, I have no idea what to say anymore.
I said congratulations and gave her a hug. Her telling me shouldn't ruin this moment for her. I took myself out of the equation those few minutes and tried to be supportive and a good friend. I realize that not every moment is about me. But when she left, I felt that jealousy and envy and pure sadness spread throughout my body. I teared up and felt yet again that I will always be on the outside looking in. I am playing mind games with myself. Making myself believe that I must not deserve to be a mother, because god has yet to bless me with a child. Maybe this is my life's struggle, to want something so badly and to never achieve that goal. I don't want to feel eternally hopeless. I want to be happy, for myself and for others. I know I have so much to be grateful for. But the very thought of never being a mother...leaves me sick inside.
I'm sorry for all the complaining, just having a rough couple of days. I want my own mom. I haven't seen her in almost a year, that is just too long. Being in Sicily is not easy, I miss having real family and friends. Navy life is rough. At least the view is good, this is the view from my rooftop. Enjoy!

Lazy Weekend...

I had the entire weekend off, a rare event for an active duty nurse, and I barely did anything but mope. I am on my one week break from grad school, which ends today, so I took advantage of cleaning and organizing that I have been putting off. My husband was playing softball all day yesterday and worked today so I haven't spent much time with him. I find myself getting tearful at every show on TV and torturing myself by reading infertility blogs and looking up baby garb on the internet. Every where I go there are pregnant women and babies. At work, at the NEX, in my apartment complex, plastered all over facebook. I find I am taking these pregnancy announcement a lot harder than I used to. I feel personally attacked by every idiot who accidentally gets pregnant. Including my best friend. She got pregnant by my husband's brother a month after they met at our wedding and gave my mother in law a grandchild before I even had a chance. I love my new niece to pieces but seeing their happy little family together on skype and on facebook, hurts me so much. I so want a little person to love on, to make me smile, to challenge me, to be proud of. I find myself shying away from people with children and staying out of their lives. Still watching from the sidelines, happy for them, but so sad for me and my hubby.
I start my 4th round of clomid tomorrow. I am not in a place of hope, but I will keep trying. Maybe someday it will be my turn. Maybe not. Anything worth having is worth fighting for. I will continue to fight but I refuse to get my hopes up. I'll have to learn to live my life without the joy of my own children if our struggle continues indefinitely. I sincerely hope it never comes to that.

Moving On...

I have been trying to let go of the pain from this months BFN and look forward to what may come with our next cycle. Things are a little different for me than most of you I'm sure. I live in Sicily and am a nurse on the multiservice ward at our teeny tiny hospital. I work with every patient admitted to our hospital, including laboring women, pediatrics, surgical patients...meaning I work with all the doctors too. So I don't have an RE, due to our small population. I have an OB acting as an RE, which in my opinion is not a great of an option. I love my doctor, but he isn't quite the expert that some people have the pleasure of working with. The most we can do at our hospital is injectables, so once we hit that mark, we are officially on hiatus during our stay in Italy.

Needless to say because I work with my doctor, I see him everyday. This has advantages and disadvantages. Advantages include asking questions any time I need to, having his home phone number, having his respect as a nurse, being able to look up my own labs, can be seen anytime and any day, and he watches my dog for me when I go on vacation. Disadvantages include, seeing him in the stirrups and then having to see him 20 minutes later in the hallway, it's just awkward. But I'm thankful that I have him, and he said he's confident he'll be able to "get me pregnant". I wish I could convince myself to be as confident.

On to happier events like traveling. As my blog is entitled I am living in Italy (and infertile...but I digress). We have been here for almost a year and have definitely taken advantage of the travel opportunities. We have gone some amazing places, but we have so much left to see! Our next stop is Brussels, Bruges, and Amsterdam. I am so excited to explore Holland and Belgium. The Heinekin Experience, Van Gogh Museum, and the Anne Frank House are all on our list to see. If I don't get pregnant this coming cycle at least I'll have some good beer to comfort me. Optimism!

I'll leave you with a picture of my little dog Satchel, he keeps me sane and hopeful. Isn't he the cutest? Have a great weekend everyone!

Virgin Blogger

Hello to anyone who may find me. This is my first blog attemp, I'm Rose. I'm starting this blog at the bitter end of a two week wait. I've been lurking for 2 years, secretly reading your stories, learning from your struggles, enjoying watching everyone achieve their goals of becoming parents. I have not achieved my goals, I have not found a way to cope, and I am seriously hoping this is it. I was so sure that this month would work, would be different. But alas no...

A little about me I guess. I'm 28 years old, married for 3 years to a wonderful guy. I am a labor and delivery nurse in the Navy. I am currently stationed overseas in Italy. We've been TTC for 2 and a half years. I have PCOS and just finished my third round of clomid without success. I am in love with my dog Satchel, he is truly one of the only things that can console me.

I love scrapbooking and traveling. I just started running to try and lose a few pounds and to distract me from all things pregnancy and baby related.

Everywhere I go, especially after AF shows up or you get a BFN, there is a pregnant lady or a baby. My job consists of caring for pregnant women, which I absolutely love, but it also tortures me. I just have this gnawing feeling it will never be our turn. That my arms will remain empty and I will always feel this longing to be a part of the amazing birth process that I see everyday. I'm jaded today, sorry! AF just showed up today, right when I should be getting my BFP and jumping for joy. Instead I'll curl up on the couch, and pretend that my heart isn't aching.