Memorial Day Weekend....

Is over. Boooo! I love long weekends and am sad this one is coming to a close. Thank you to all of those who have sacrificed for our freedom. It has been a true privielage to serve as part of the US Navy.
I spent the weekend having fun versus being productive. Still haven't touched my quilt and have a big paper that I haven't even begun looming over my head. Instead, I went to the beach, cleaned, worked out, went to BBQ's, got rip roaring drunk, made an ass out of myself (but had sooo much fun), spent a whole day hung over, and spent today out on a paddle boat with friends. It was a blast! I was literally so hung over yesterday, that I couldn't keep anything down, I threw up 5x. Uggghhh! My body can't take that much alcohol anymore, I must be getting old.
I did cry on Saturday night because someone let it slip that another newly married couple is pregnant after trying for like 2 seconds. I have to accept that that is there journey. I can't be mad at the them or think they don't deserve their child because they didn't go through what Sam and I have. I truly believe that there is some reason for all of this. A lesson learned or some act of fate that we have struggled with this so much. This is our journey and they have theirs. It just hurts so much to hear it like that. I literally cannot bring myself to be happy for them, I'll get there eventually. I have to remind myself that it doesn't change anything for us. We still are childless whether they have a baby or not. We still need to save for IVF. We still have a year to wait until we can try and do IVF. Things don't change for us because everyone else has children and we don't. No one ever said life was easy. I'm living proof.

Back from Dublin.

Hello everyone! I'm back from Dublin and feeling pretty good. I ate too much, drank too much, had vacation sex, walked so much I have shin splints, and slept late. All good things to do during vacation. I'm feeling like a different person. I think I had no idea how much all the medication was affecting me. I broke out really bad the week after my period, I cried a lot that week and then....I was better. I'm more upbeat, I'm not as depressed, and Sam and I are getting along great. I needed this break, I didn't want it, but I needed it. Slowly I am accepting the fact that we are in a holding pattern for at least the next 11 months. I can do it, I just need to focus on living the life I do have instead of focusing on everything I don't have. I'll get there I just need to keep my eyes on the prize!

Hurray for 3 day work weeks! I took today off of work and have friday off to start memorial day weekend, YIPPEEE! I spent yesterday being productive, finished all a dreaded paper, unpacked, called family. And today, I did nothing. It was fantastic. Sometimes you just need to get away from the daily crap and enjoy a whole day of nothing:)

A new direction.

I've been dreading writing this post. Things are changing for Sam and I....and not in the great way that I had hoped. We decided to scrap the last cycle of femara and hCG because I cannot emotionally handle it. We're at the end of the line here in Sicily and I'm not ready to go out in town. So now we wait....for the next year, a whole year, as in 12 months, and 4 seasons, and 12 cycles to get back to the states to pursue "real" fertility treatments. I literally cannot believe that it has come to this. I never really thought I would need this much help, just a little clomid, just a little femara, just a trigger shot. Who knew it would snowball into a conversation about how in the hell we will pay for IVF?
So I got my period on mother's day last week, and suffice to say that I was a frickin basket case. I cried for several hours each day on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Sam and I talked about everything while I snotted and sobbed all over the place. We decided to scrap this last one because he is worried about my emotional wellbeing....and frankly so am I. I do feel better the last few days but I was truly feeling depressed. I was crying at the drop of a hat, not eating, not sleeping, just really down. So I broke up with my OB doctor on Wednesday and he thinks we are doing the right thing. He wished me well and said that he "wished there was more he could have done". Preaching to the choir sir! I wish my body could have done more, that it could do what it was supposed to do!
So I'm done beating myself up. I'm off the meds, my body is starting to relax, and I'm forcing myself to thing about other things. I literally did everything that I could do, I have no regrets. I'm married to a wonderful man, I live in Europe, and I have almost everything I could want. How can I not be more grateful? I'm still hurting but I have to give this obsession over pregnancy and babies a rest. My marriage deserves a break from the stress. I deserve a break from the stress.
Nurse's week is over, we did a lot of fun stuff to honor all the nurses and the Na.vy Nur.se Corps. I was stressed about that as well. There are some pictures from our celebration below. We head to dublin on Wed. And I am truly looking forward to a nice relaxing 4 day weekend in Ireland.

All of the nurses celebrating at a local wine bar.

Me and my huney!

Mother's Day is a bitch.

When it rains it pours right. It's mother's day. I'm officially the worst daughter ever (haven't even gotten my mom a present and I'm an ocean away from her). I started spotting today, period due tomorrow. I'm not currently speaking to my husband.

I'm so low right now. Why? Why us? Why me? I'm never going to celebrate this day. I will always feel like this. Literal pain in my chest when I think of being childless. I cried several times this weekend already. I'm in pain. I have no one to tell. I have no where to go. I have no options. My heart is broken.

Busy Week

Hello bloggie world. I've been busy, like seriously, head spinning, can't sleep, can't eat, worried sick busy. I'm trying to relax, but as all us infertiles know, that is damn near impossible. I'm busy because it is National Nurse's Week and the Navy Nurse Corps Birthday next week. I'm in charge of the nurse's association and we have a ton of fun stuff planned. I planned a run, a rummage sale fundraiser, a cocktail party, a cake cutting, and a breakfast to celebrate with all the nurses. It's been fun, but being the hostess is so exhausting. It sure does make the two week wait fly by though :)

I'm one week in, and I'm doing well. I think I have pretty much given up any hope of this working so I feel more peaceful. I'm doing so well with my lifting and running that I'm finally starting to lose a little weight, and more importantly PEOPLE ARE NOTICING!!! Like strangers are noticing. It feels good. I may never be able to have a baby but by God, I will have a six pack :)

I'm counting down the days to dublin.......15 days! I'm ready to put the stress of nurse's week behind me and relax with some Guiness and some Irish music.

No one ever said I was bright.

I was wrong. My follicle was still there, 20x28. I took my first of what I fear will be many injections yesterday. This may not be a big deal to most, but this is the beginning for me. I just really was hoping it wouldn't get to this point. But I manned up and I got my trigger shot. I think most people doing triggers do them in the butt, but the girl that did mine was a friend so I chose the arm. That sucker hurt! I'm not big on needles. So it's done, and now I wait.
I had a good cry tonight with the hubs. He said that he wants to be done for the year after these two cycles are over. I cried because it became clear that he has no hope either (and frankly, after 11 unsuccessful cycles can you blame the guy?) He was the hopeful one before, he always said he "just knew it would happen". Well apparently now he knows it will happen, just not this year. I see where he's coming from, we're officially benched after this. There are no options for treatment here. But I guess I just assumed I would still temp and do my OPK's and time intercourse. You know.....just in case. But now I realize he wants a break, and as much as I say I want a break, I'm not sure I'm ready to give it all up. I pretend I don't care but this shit is an obsession. I think about babies, our babies, holidays, birth, pregnancy, treatment, what if blah, blah, blah, all day long, every frickin day. It's exhausting, but I don't know how else to be.
So as much as I was looking forward to being done with treatment, I still thought we would be trying (just half assed trying, no whole assed trying). It's just a lot to take in. I broke down today because this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know what I want to do or how I'll handle all this, but I know I'll keep going. Life doesn't stop because of grief or pain. I'll keep hurting but I'll keep going too. I guess I'll just try to find some comfort in that.

Sadness

Please offer some words of support to Hilary @ http://makingmemom.blogspot.com/ She is in a sad place because her final FET cycle has ended, and not in the way she had hoped. Just reading her words stirs up so much emotion for me. She wrote that her story is an "infertile's nightmare". She's right. Don't we all wonder if we'll end up without biological children of our own? Sure it seems like everyone ends up with their happy ending, but sometimes you don't. I struggle with this. I find it so hard to have hope when someone who really deserves to be a mom doesn't get to be. If this amazing, strong woman can't get there, who am I to even try? She deserves this, she's done all the work, and spent all the money and she's left with empty arms and a broken heart. Life is unfair. It's becoming more and more apparent with each passing year. My heart is broken for her and for every other woman who has had to give up their dream of becoming a mother. It'll probably be me a few years from now.
I'm annoyed with my cycle and feeling rather dismal about the whole situation. I had an U/S today, I had an 18x20 mm follicle and my dr said he wants to wait and do another one on Monday. Well guess what Ace? It won't be there on Monday. I'm quite sure I'll drop it on my own sometime before then and miss my chance to try the infamous trigger. Whatever! It's not like it'll work anyways. I am a debbie downer today, sorry!