My ovaries are awesome :)

I am so excited that the letrazole worked. I had my u/s today and I had a beautiful 18 by 20 mm follicle on the right side. It is only day 11 so it is likely I'll ovulate by day 14. I have NEVER had a cycle this close to normal. Maybe it'll be good for me to ovulate normally and it will give me a better chance of getting pregnant. I feel filled with hope right now. I think a Christmas miracle is in order. Please let it be in my uterus!!!!!

Letrozole/Femara whatever....

I started my letrozole on cycle day 3 and am taking it as prescribed by my OB until cycle day 9 which is longer that I believe is necessary. He thinks my ovaries are sluggish and that I may need a little extra stimulation. Who knows? I'm on 2.5mg daily for the 7 days. I finish today and have an ultrasound on Tuesday to see if I have anything brewing. I hope I do. On day 5 my OB calls my office and asks me if I started taking it yet. Uhhh, yeah just like you told me to on day 3. Then he launches into this whole story about how I should be taking 5mg per day instead of 2.5mg based on some study he read. I guess he's never really used this before and I am his lab rat. I don't mind, at least I'm not just sitting around doing nothing waiting to get back to the states where I can get some real treatments. Any who, he said we would try the 5mg next month so I am guessing he has no faith int his cycle either. Sigh......
So letrozole is supposed to to be better side effects wise and even has a higher rate of pregnancy (on the 5mg dose). I am not as hot, but I'm still having hot flashes. But I feel a little bit crazier than normal. I'm yelling and flying off the handle and frustrated but that might just be me being me. I'm sad about Christmas and being away from all my nieces and nephews. I'm not loving my job anymore. I'm frustrated that its been another year and I'm STILL NOT PREGNANT.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my friend that is pregnant too. She still hasn't told me but I know because someone else told me. So I just feel plain old awkward around her. I don't know how the hell to relax and just let it be. I catch myself staring at her stomach and thinking she didn't even want this or need this right now. I'm sick of how jealous I have become, of everyone. I wish I could just not care. How do I do that?

Feeling Christmasy :)

I am slightly hung over from our command Christmas part last night. I thought I would post a couple of pictures of our tree. We didn't do a photo card this year, it's too depressing for me because their should be a picture of our child on there but obviously that didn't happen. I decided good old fashioned cards would suffice this year, I dread receiving all the photo cards. I love them but they still hurt me just the same. Needless to say I got my lovely period on Saturday after spotting for 5 days. I have no idea what is going on with that. We decided that we are going to try the Letrozole (Femara) this cycle. I'll start on Monday through Friday. I go in for an ultrasound on the 21st to see if I have responded. I will give it about 5 cycles and then we will have to get mentally prepared for either IUI's or IVF. I'm not very hopeful, but I will still try to be. You never know what could happen. Why shouldn't it be my turn yet? I'm temping and charting as well too.

In Christmas news....I have baked a little bit, wrapped some gifts, and started packing up the boxes to send back home. I'm getting into the spirit but it's hard when the weather is in the 70's and I'm still bummed about my stupid period. Merry Christmas everyone, try to enjoy the holidays :)

And it begins again...

Remember my post a few weeks ago about how I was just waiting for my next friend to get pregnant? Well that time has come. Besides all the 19 year old enlisted people that I work with getting pregnant left and right, now my friend and colleague is pregnant. She hasn't told me yet but it's a small world that we work in and I heard it from someone else. I was just telling her last week about our struggles and our next moves. She didn't say a word to me. I feel like an idiot. And when I heard it from a friend, it was like a slap in the face. I hate feeling like this. Part of me is happy for her, good for her, she didn't have to struggle. She's in a great marriage, has a great job, and will be a wonderful mother. But part of me (the evil part) thinks "it must be nice, hmmmph!" To get pregnant so easily, to not even be trying, or to be trying and to be able to keep it to yourself. I don't tell everyone about our struggle but I do have a hard time keeping my mouth shut once I get going about infertility. I just feel annoyed I guess. That I try so hard and cannot have children and she has said on more than one occasion that she isn't sure she's ready for kids and is now pregnant. Life just isn't fair. I know this in my head but I keep feeling so sorry for myself. I need to just get over it, and realize that it just isn't my turn.

Thankful

As my first thanksgiving weekend off in years comes to a close, I sit at my computer pretty darn thankful. I'm thankful for Sam and the 7 years of ups and downs, laughing until we cry, fighting and making up, and support from each other. It hasn't been easy this year to be thankful but I am just the same. I'm also thankful that I have had 3 unmedicated and dare I say normal cycles over the last few months. I can't believe how much being on nights affected the length and normality of my cycles. I just ovulated yesterday and now begin my dreaded two week wait. I can get through it, but it definitely is not my favorite part of a cycle :) Good thing I have a paper and an exam to finish for school to distract me. And waiting for me at the end of my two weeks is fun command christmas party that I can't wait to get dressed up for.
We put up our tree on Friday and it looks amazing. I'll post pictures soon. My favorite part of christmas is sitting in a dark room with only the tree lights on. Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Always an Aunt, never a Mom.

My beautiful nephew Corbin was born today. I'm already in love with him, although I have not met him. I saw his beautiful face on sky.pe this afternoon and my heart instantly melted. I played the good aunt and friend, I asked how much he weighed, ooohhhed and ahhhed over his tiny toes and fingers, and listened to my BFF/sis in law's birth story. I smiled and felt true love for this tiny little man that I have never met. But when I hung up, I cried. I held my hubby and I cried. I hate feeling this way. So happy for my friend, but so sad and desperate for myself. I can't help but feel envy and pity for myself. I actually feel sorry for myself, how messed up is that?
The worst part is that my other friend here in sici.ly is ready to deliver any day too and I promised that I would be her nurse when she does. I'll have to relive this awful feeling again in a few days as I help bring her baby into this world. After that, I have no more close friends waiting to deliver. I'll just sit around and wait for the next pregnancy announcement and start this whole cycle all over again. Uggghhh.....when is it going to be our turn?

Avoiding everything...even my blog.

I've been avoiding everything lately and it has been easy so far. I have been away from home now for almost two weeks. I have so enjoyed my time in the states, learning about my new job, spending time with my niece and best friend, and shopping like money isn't an object. No matter how much you look forward to something like I have to this trip, it doesn't take away my sadness about my infertility. Frankly, seeing my very pregnant best friend, spending time with her beautiful daughter, and taking maternity pictures of their family was hard. Don't get me wrong, I love them all so much, but I was so reminded of how much she has and how little I have. Yeah...I'm jealous. She married Sam's brother, and although we have been together for 7 years, she managed to obtain everything I have ever wanted in my whole life in 2 and a half years. And they seem so happy. It would be easier to stomach if their life weren't so perfect. I am happy for them and I can't wait to meet my new nephew, but a part of me aches with envy for the family I may never have.
I think I'm being overly dramatic because I've been away from my hubby for two weeks. I miss him. I also started a bereavement conference for work today that lasts until Saturday. I cried like a baby today as we watched videos about loss and listened to stories from women who had babies that died shortly after birth. I felt like a fool. I have no right to truly grieve. They actually had children to miss, I'm just missing the life I thought I would have. I'm grieving the loss of my ability to bear children, to be a mother. It still hurts but I'm quite sure having a taste of motherhood and then having it taken away is far worse. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point, it's the ambivalence of the whole situation that is literally killing me.