Empty House

I'm all packed up and will be living in an empty house for the next 44 days!!! Which means 44 days until I get home to my hubby and my new house. Life is good!

I'm all about the countdowns right now. Only 4 more days until my first ultrasound. I've been praying every night for my little butter bean in my belly. No matter what happens on Friday I know I am blessed. I have been happier in these past two weeks than I have been in a long time. I am so grateful for this experience and plan to soak up every second. I know the odds, I know anything could happen but I'm choosing to stay positive and pray that this time is my turn. We have waited and struggled. Why not us? Why don't we deserve this? I've even let myself unpack all the baby things I purchased for us while we were trying (and painfully packed away 2 years ago). I read through the Richard Scary books I bought, I looked at the little tiny outfits I bought. It felt amazing to even fathom the idea that this fall I will be a mom. Sam will be a dad. And we will be a little family.

Could this go any slower?

I'm barely pregnant and trying to enjoy every second but I just wish these first few weeks would go by faster. With Sam and I being apart I would love to speed this along so we can celebrate our little miracle. I'm staying in my ignorance is bliss mode right now. I have not gotten a blood test or an ultrasound or anything yet. I'm a nurse, I know I should, but I also know it isn't necessary yet. I'm taking my prenatal vitamins, I'm having a few symptoms, no pain, no bleeding so I figure I have a few weeks left just to hang out. I don't want everyone at work to know and our hospital is so small that everyone would know rather quickly. I have my 4 positive tests with the lines getting darker each day and that is enough for me.....for now.

Now that the initial shock has worn off I'm just enjoying the idea of us becoming a family of three, no offense to my pup Satchel. I'm also making myself nervous thinking about daycare when I have to go back to work and worrying about the actual delivery part of this whole deal. I'm a L & D nurse so I've seen some shit go bad in there and it scares the crap out of me. As scared as I am I continue to feel completely blessed to have a chance to have this baby. I know I am far from out of the woods yet, but I am truly grateful for this experience.

In other news the house is coming along well. I can't wait to move in! Sam hired someone to refinish all of the floors, he painted 3 of the rooms already, and some of our new furniture has arrived. The place will be ready to go by the time I get back in April. All of our stuff is being shipped on Monday back to the US (a nice 2 month long journey on a ship). I have a ton to do and no motivation. So far all I feel like doing is sleeping :)

And it's finally my turn :)

I know I've been away forever and literally so much has happened that it might be impossible for me to ever catch up. But I'll try...

• Went back to the states with my mom in mid January. Had some training in TX and then off to VA to visit the hubs.
• Closed on our first house! This is an entire post in and of itself but I'll give you a preview here... (more to come).
  
  
  

• I was in VA when my best friend Naomi became very sick and went into the hospital to have her baby. I was able to be with her through her whole labor, because her husband is away on a shipboard deployment. It was fantastic to take care of her at the old hospital I used to work at and where I soon will work again. Emma is a doll. See for yourself:

And most exciting of all (to me) was the perfect execution of our first IUI. We met with the Dr on Jan 31st and I had one perfect follicle. I got a repeat scan on the first of Feb and my HCG shot. Feb 2nd Sam went and gave his sample and brought it back to our hospital (count was 33 million with 71% motility) and I had my IUI just 2 hours before Emma was born, in the same exact hospital. How cool is that?

Then of course I had to leave my husband, my BFF, and little Emma to fly back to Italy for the last time. My dread two week wait began. On Sunday the 12th, my 5th wedding anniversary, I gave into my obsession with peeing on things and had a rather unsatisfactory result with a stupid blue dye cheapo test that I bought. I saw a clear line form immediately, no color in it, it looked just like a stupid evaporation line. The next morning the same thing. My poor husband begged me to stop, I was only 11dpo. But i bought a FR pink dye test that day and took it before I went to bed. And to my surprise this is what I saw!!

That second line formed and I held my breath. I couldn't believe my eyes. I am so grateful. I'm quite aware that it could end at any second but for now Sam and I are ecstatic. I rushed upstairs and called him on skype and told him through tears that he was finally going to be a dad. I so wish we could have been together but we are both so happy about the baby that neither one of us really cares. It's been such a long road and we are so happy to have found our way to this place, it doesn't matter how we got here. I feel truly lucky! We aren't going to tell anyone for awhile but I had to tell someone :) I can't believe it is finally my turn!

Spending Time with my Momma

Sorry I have been a little MIA lately.....I'm hanging out with my momma! I have been very lucky this month to have 4 weeks with the little spunky lady that raised me. She came out to spend Christmas and New Years with me for a well deserved post-retirement extravaganza. And oh man....have we been having fun! We haven't seen each other in a year and a half. And we definitely haven't spent 4 weeks together in the last 10 years, so this has been a real treat for me. Since Sam left, I've been a little lonely and trying to keep busy. This spry 60 year old can't be kept down. My house has been clean, dinner is made, and my dog has never been happier. We don't even have to do anything, but it made me realize how great it is to have someone here when you come home, especially your mom.

We had a beautiful Christmas and a lovely trip to Positano over New Years. Unfortunately, my car broke down on the way home due to some bad gunky shady gas that I got in Salerno. It wouldn't run at all and after waiting for 4 hours to see if an Italian guy could fix it, they admitted that they didn't know what the problem was and needed help from a family friend. So we left it there rented a car and headed back to Sici.ly. Problem #1 I don't drive stick and that was all the rental place had!!! So my mom stepped up to the plate and drove most of the way home. She also taught me on the way home so that I could drive to work the next day. I learned stick in 2 days, your mother and shear terror of crashing are some good teachers let me tell you :) So I finally can drive stick (scratched that off the old bucket list). Problem #2 6.5 hour drive, with a ferry ride to get back home. This means that yesterday we had to do a 13 hour drive with TWO ferry rides to bring the rental back and pick up my fixed car. Uggghhh. Longest day ever! We almost missed the rental car place being open (Italians close everything for the weekend at 1pm on Saturday, yet another reason I can't wait to get back to the good old usa!). We drop off our rental, pick up our car, start driving back and now the radio doesn't work! WTF! Which is fine, I mean at least the car is running. We drove back the last 6.5 hours just laughing and talking. I couldn't have had a better travel buddy. I love my mom for putting up with all this craziness for me. We have one more week together and I'm going to cherish every second.

I also only have 19 days until I see my husband again. Hurray! I finish my BCP on the 18th and start my letrozole on the 23. I'm so excited to be moving forward with this IUI. Also if everything goes well (which it never does) we should be closing on our house on Feb. 2nd. We have a lot of work to do, but I cannot wait to see it. We shall see. I hope to catch up on more stuff soon. Sorry for the delay!

Prague/Vienna/Berlin

So a little recap on my lovely trip to eastern europe:

• Prague has totally stolen the spot that Paris once held - the most beautiful city I have ever visited. I fell in LOVE with the architecture, the skyline, the christmas markets, the people, the beer, and the international food. I enjoyed every second in prague and did some serious christmas shopping while there.
• Indian food on Thanksgiving day was an interesting treat. Sad to say it was my first time ever having it and I think I am in love! We also had Thai food, latin food, and austrian food, all of which you cannot get in Sicily.
• Vienna as beautiful, but a little modern and industrial for my liking. It was cold as balls there too, and that made it harder to love. They did have beautiful christmas markets though and I spent some serious dough there too.
• The incubus concert that the entire trip was planned around (in Vienna) was cancelled on the day of. Of course....I didn't know this, so we showed up pumped for a good show, and there was tiny 8x11 piece of paper on the door saying it was cancelled, due to laryngitis. I was upset, but we tried not to let it ruin our trip.
• I hit three countries in 6 days with one of the best travel buddies ever. My friend Sara and I laughed through the entire trip. It was so much fun!

I got some good news....finally!

There has been a little flurry of activity in the old trying to have a baby department today. I planned out my very first IUI and got a prescription for birth control pills and letrozole. As it stands I'll be home on house hunting leave visiting my hubby Jan 27-Feb5th. Besides picking out our first house we will also be doing an IUI. I remain unconvinced that this will work, but my hubs thinks we should give it a couple tries before we move to IVF. It feels pretty amazing to get off the bench and out of this standstill we've been in since May. I'm so excited to try something new and get a glimmer of hope back. This brings us one step closer to having a family one way or another and it's just another check in the box on this crazy long journey.

I had a lovely thanksgiving in Vienna, Prague, and Berlin. A great friend of mine and I had a whirlwind trip of 3 countries in 6 days but it was one of the best trips I've ever been on. I haven't laughed that hard in years, she is one funny gal. Prague was my favorite, so unique and so beautiful. I'll post pictures soon.

A rough week.

This week has sucked! I'm so happy it ended on a good note though. It began with an accidental pregnancy announcement, which I guessed was the person's secret....jokingly. Kind of like:

Her: " I have to tell our boss a little secret?"

Me: "Let me guess, you're pregnant? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (I laughed like an idiot because she's young, not married, and has known her strange Italian boyfriend for like 2 months).

Her: "Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, I'm only 7 and a half weeks."

I wanted to die. I wanted god to strike me with lightening and melt me to the floor. I was embarrassed that I laughed and then I was just plain angry. I pulled myself together congratulated her and went on with my day. By the time I went home, I was in tears. I just keep thinking why does this happen for everyone but me. I feel like I've done something in this life or a past life to deserve this. This type of punishment doesn't just happen, it's earned. And I am suffering. I feel so much like I let everyone down. Myself, Sam, my mom, his parents. And I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, but I do. I ask myself why me? over and over again all day everyday. Why is this happening to me? I hope to figure out the answer to that question some day.

On a good note, I found out that I was finally able to switch my MSN major to midwifery. It's been a decision I was struggling with and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do it. I got my acceptance letter yesterday. It's a huge deal for me. I may not be able to have babies of my own, but I will be able to help other women bring their babies into the world. I leave for Prague and Vienna on Tuesday. I cannot wait! 4 months until I leave sicily :) I'm beyond ready to go.