No one ever said I was bright.

I was wrong. My follicle was still there, 20x28. I took my first of what I fear will be many injections yesterday. This may not be a big deal to most, but this is the beginning for me. I just really was hoping it wouldn't get to this point. But I manned up and I got my trigger shot. I think most people doing triggers do them in the butt, but the girl that did mine was a friend so I chose the arm. That sucker hurt! I'm not big on needles. So it's done, and now I wait.
I had a good cry tonight with the hubs. He said that he wants to be done for the year after these two cycles are over. I cried because it became clear that he has no hope either (and frankly, after 11 unsuccessful cycles can you blame the guy?) He was the hopeful one before, he always said he "just knew it would happen". Well apparently now he knows it will happen, just not this year. I see where he's coming from, we're officially benched after this. There are no options for treatment here. But I guess I just assumed I would still temp and do my OPK's and time intercourse. You know.....just in case. But now I realize he wants a break, and as much as I say I want a break, I'm not sure I'm ready to give it all up. I pretend I don't care but this shit is an obsession. I think about babies, our babies, holidays, birth, pregnancy, treatment, what if blah, blah, blah, all day long, every frickin day. It's exhausting, but I don't know how else to be.
So as much as I was looking forward to being done with treatment, I still thought we would be trying (just half assed trying, no whole assed trying). It's just a lot to take in. I broke down today because this is such an emotional rollercoaster. I don't know what I want to do or how I'll handle all this, but I know I'll keep going. Life doesn't stop because of grief or pain. I'll keep hurting but I'll keep going too. I guess I'll just try to find some comfort in that.

Sadness

Please offer some words of support to Hilary @ http://makingmemom.blogspot.com/ She is in a sad place because her final FET cycle has ended, and not in the way she had hoped. Just reading her words stirs up so much emotion for me. She wrote that her story is an "infertile's nightmare". She's right. Don't we all wonder if we'll end up without biological children of our own? Sure it seems like everyone ends up with their happy ending, but sometimes you don't. I struggle with this. I find it so hard to have hope when someone who really deserves to be a mom doesn't get to be. If this amazing, strong woman can't get there, who am I to even try? She deserves this, she's done all the work, and spent all the money and she's left with empty arms and a broken heart. Life is unfair. It's becoming more and more apparent with each passing year. My heart is broken for her and for every other woman who has had to give up their dream of becoming a mother. It'll probably be me a few years from now.
I'm annoyed with my cycle and feeling rather dismal about the whole situation. I had an U/S today, I had an 18x20 mm follicle and my dr said he wants to wait and do another one on Monday. Well guess what Ace? It won't be there on Monday. I'm quite sure I'll drop it on my own sometime before then and miss my chance to try the infamous trigger. Whatever! It's not like it'll work anyways. I am a debbie downer today, sorry!

Apparently I'm a Guiney Pig.

My new cycle has started, yippeeee (I hope you can sense the sarcasm). I'm cycle day 5, taking the letrozole blah, blah, blah. Apparently this month my Dr want me to try an hCG trigger shot. Why?? Good question. I feel like he's thinking nothing else worked, lets just try this too. I'm curious to see if it makes a difference, but honestly why would it? I've ovulated every single time. We've had pretty great timing and clearly ovulation and timing are not the issue. I sometimes wonder what it is. I wonder if my body is attacking Sam's sperm (ala Charlotte on sex and the city). Or if my uterus is hostile (ala Meredith on Greys) or if we're just incompatible and my eggs and his sperm just plain hate each other and refuse to play nice. What can it be??? Or is it nothing, is it simply unexplained. Is it that huge gray area, that big what if that hangs over your very existence. I wish I had something to truly blame it on because not knowing is a bitch. Oh well, two more cycles and I'll be free to obsess about other things besides infertility.
I gave myself something to look forward to by planning a trip to Dublin in May for a few days. It's been 11 years since I've been there and Sam has never been. We are both extremely excited to drink Guiness and roam the streets. I can't wait to get out of this joint for a few days.
That's all for now. I'll try to post more, I've been kinda down lately and being lazy. I'll get better soon, I promise :)

Less than Hopeful, and Trying Desperately Not to Care.

I'm less than hopeful. I broke and peed on a stick yesterday at 10dpo. Nothing. One stupid, annoying, condescending line. I hate that line on the right. I want to see the line on the left!!!! Is that so much to ask. I've been having cramping the last two days. I keep oscillating between certainty that it is my impending period and praying to GOD that it is something else.
I'm trying so hard not to care. I'm trying hard to think of all the things that I "get" to do because we are childless. But booze and sleep and vacations don't take away the pain of empty arms. It doesn't keep from crying when I see a pregnant belly or a onesie. I had a rough day today, I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat.
The uphill battle that we've been fighting is becoming more real to me. It's becoming more real to Sam too. I used the 1 in 6 couples statistic the other day and he just said "Wow, that sucks that's less than 20% chance. How unlucky are we?"
I am dreading these letrozole cycles being over. Because that's it, end of story, for a whole year! That's a long time to sit and wait for some help. But this is the way it is, I have no choice, I'm stuck here. Before I took the clomid I thought... all I'll need is a little clomid. That'll do it for sure, I'll get pregnant right away. Then I didn't and before I took the letrozole I thought, "That clomid was drying up all my CM, I'll take the letrozole and that'll do it, we'll get pregnant right away." How long can I do this to myself? Do I just accept this? Do I skip to IVF? Do we live without children? Should I just keep trying?

Who new that life would be this hard. My empty arms ache for a tiny human that looks just like my handsome husband. My heart aches to love a child that is my own. This is literally the most painful time in my life being faced with the reality that having children is something I will probably never experience.

Hiking, Humping, and Heineken

I did a little of one and a lot of the other two....can you guess. Ha! I'm 5 days post ovulation, I think. I never got a really good positive. The line was darker but the whole strip was just lighter than it usually is. I peed on a zillion strips but none of them looked like they usually do. Oh well. I'm kind of digging my "I don't give a shit attitude" lately. I really just have no hope so I'm not paying attention as much this cycle. Now don't get me wrong, I have my moments where I analyze a twinge or get teary thinking that this won't work. But I've pretty much accepted that I am in dire need of assistance to get pregnant. These last few cycles are just a formality and I know that if the drug was going to work for me it would have happened by now. But just the same, I gave this cycle the good old college try and humped my husband when I needed to :)

We also bought a case of heineken this week and I have been indulging in a lovely brew each evening. It has been heaven, don't judge me :)

And finally we had a fantastic hike at this beautiful reserve in southern sicily called Cava Grande del Cassible. We hiked 1.5 miles down hill (a little dangerous, never would people be allowed to go down this trail in the states) to this beautiful river and rapids that turned into a waterfall and two beautiful pools. It was a hard hike up and down but totally worth it and so fun!

I'm finally getting caught up at work and feeling more settled, just in time for my next class to start! I'm taking health care policy this semester, YIPPPEEE, Not! I can't wait to be done with my graduate program, but at this one class per quarter rate, I'll be 60 by the time I'm done. Oh well, it's good for me right?

In other news, my half brother will be coming out to visit me this fall and I couldn't be more excited. I have probably only seen my brother Tony 10x in my whole life. In the last 10 years I have only seen him twice, once at my wedding and once at my dad's funeral. We haven't had a great relationship because of my dad's alcoholism and the close relationship that I had with my dad. My dad was not a good father to Tony, he made no effort to be close with him as his alcoholism progressed. But it's been wonderful getting to know him and healing our relationship. We've been keeping in touch on facebook and emailing. I was so surprised and so touched that he wanted to come out and visit. When we told everyone we were coming to Italy everyone wanted to visit, promised to visit. Only my mother has been here so far. It's annoying. It's such a great opportunity for our families to get out of the states and see the world, and all they've come up with is a lot of excuses. Tony and his girlfriend Tina (who is awesome too) are planning on meeting us in Munich for Oktoberfest and then flying down to Sicily to visit with us. I'm so happy to have something great to look forward to.

Everybody's Working for the Weekends.

I have always worked shift work, 12 hour shift work, since I
graduated from college and joined the navy in 2005. I always worked weekends and holidays and had full glorious days off during the week. As much as I complained sometimes about working weekends and holidays, those wednesdays and thursdays off in the middle of the week were heavenly. I miss them. I currently work 7:30AM-4pm Mon-Fri and frankly I miss my shift work. Don't get me wrong. I finally don't have work nights which is great and I'm able work out more frequently and regularly and Sam and I eat dinner together at night, which is new. But I really miss my frequent days off and my ability to sleep in. I LIVE for my weekends lately. And it has been crazy at work lately. I've been running around and have a zillion projects to complete. I just really miss patient care and being a real nurse. Administrative nursing is just not for me. Only 13 months to go.....hopefully!
On the infertility front, I've been taking the stupid mucinex 3x a day for the last few days. I had an u/s yesterday showing a 28x22 follicle on the right side (which I think was measured at a wierd angle because if it's really that big it should have ovulated by now, right?) I'm not hopeful. I'm not anything. I know it won't work so I'm trying really hard not to give a shit. I haven't even peed on any OPK's yet and it's cycle day 16. I am so aware of when I ovulate now that I don't even need those stupid pieces of shit anymore. I guess it's just confirmation, I'm sure it'll be happening this weekend, and we'll go through the motions, and two weeks from now my stupid period will be here again. Sighhhhhh.....
I have bigger fish to fry, like losing a couple pounds before it's time for the navy to weigh me again, and kicking ass on my push up test this year, and making the house feel like a home, and finishing my travel scrapbook, and planning trips, and learning to play guitar. I have a lot of good stuff to keep me busy that I should be doing. Instead I sit and wallow and cry and wonder how trying to have a child has ruined my sex life and my will to live. Ugghhhh!
Seriously though....I have started working with a trainer at our gym, and she is awesome! She pushes to me outside my comfort zone. I always did cardio and abs and hated lifting. But she makes me lift constantly without rest and with spurts of cardio for an hour twice a week. I've never felt stronger(or more sore!) than I have in the last 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself for not pushing this off because "I might get pregnant". My life is now, and if I'm not out there living it, then I am missing it.

Watching someone hurt

I think I have a pretty good understanding of pain in my life. I lost my dad to alcoholism when I was 19, my family puts the "fun" in dysfunctional, and I'm an infertile labor and delivery nurse, need I say more. Not only do I know some pain but I'm ironic as well :) Four years of crying over the pregnancy that will never come. Feeling your hopeful self crumble into a mess with each and every one line pregnancy test and each surprising period that comes your way. I've watched my best friend give birth to a baby with my husband's very fertile brother. I've designed invitations for baby showers for friends, and made blankets, and held these beautiful miracles all with tears in my eyes. I keep going, I keep my head down, I hold secret hope that my turn will come....eventually.
Apparently I enjoy pain because, I also started a bereavement program for parents that have lost pregnancies, have delivered a preterm baby resulting in a death, or delivered a stillbirth. I was trained to help these women through some serious pain. I knew that a lot of nurses at my work were highly uncomfortable taking care of women in these situations. But I enjoyed it, I felt for these women, I cried with these women, I enabled them to make choices and make memories of their children. It isn't easy to be this their rock, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would rather put myself through a little pain to help these women, than to have them be stuck with a nurse that doesn't know how to help them or doesn't want to help them.
I met with one of the dr's at work today because she experienced her 5th miscarriage this year. She was in agony. It hurt so bad just for me to see her hurt. I wonder if that is how people see me when I cry about my infertility. Not pity, just pain, actual pain to see someone losing faith in life and love, to feel like they'll never smile again. I just sat and listened to her, and let her cry. She thanked me several times for listening to her. When you're in pain I guess that's all you really want anyway. Someone to tell you you're not crazy. To assure you that you have a right to feel the way you do.
It feels good to use my own pain to help ease someone elses. Something good from something bad, right? Say a prayer for my friend today...she can use the good vibes.