Thankful

As my first thanksgiving weekend off in years comes to a close, I sit at my computer pretty darn thankful. I'm thankful for Sam and the 7 years of ups and downs, laughing until we cry, fighting and making up, and support from each other. It hasn't been easy this year to be thankful but I am just the same. I'm also thankful that I have had 3 unmedicated and dare I say normal cycles over the last few months. I can't believe how much being on nights affected the length and normality of my cycles. I just ovulated yesterday and now begin my dreaded two week wait. I can get through it, but it definitely is not my favorite part of a cycle :) Good thing I have a paper and an exam to finish for school to distract me. And waiting for me at the end of my two weeks is fun command christmas party that I can't wait to get dressed up for.
We put up our tree on Friday and it looks amazing. I'll post pictures soon. My favorite part of christmas is sitting in a dark room with only the tree lights on. Hope everyone had a great holiday.

Always an Aunt, never a Mom.

My beautiful nephew Corbin was born today. I'm already in love with him, although I have not met him. I saw his beautiful face on sky.pe this afternoon and my heart instantly melted. I played the good aunt and friend, I asked how much he weighed, ooohhhed and ahhhed over his tiny toes and fingers, and listened to my BFF/sis in law's birth story. I smiled and felt true love for this tiny little man that I have never met. But when I hung up, I cried. I held my hubby and I cried. I hate feeling this way. So happy for my friend, but so sad and desperate for myself. I can't help but feel envy and pity for myself. I actually feel sorry for myself, how messed up is that?
The worst part is that my other friend here in sici.ly is ready to deliver any day too and I promised that I would be her nurse when she does. I'll have to relive this awful feeling again in a few days as I help bring her baby into this world. After that, I have no more close friends waiting to deliver. I'll just sit around and wait for the next pregnancy announcement and start this whole cycle all over again. Uggghhh.....when is it going to be our turn?

Avoiding everything...even my blog.

I've been avoiding everything lately and it has been easy so far. I have been away from home now for almost two weeks. I have so enjoyed my time in the states, learning about my new job, spending time with my niece and best friend, and shopping like money isn't an object. No matter how much you look forward to something like I have to this trip, it doesn't take away my sadness about my infertility. Frankly, seeing my very pregnant best friend, spending time with her beautiful daughter, and taking maternity pictures of their family was hard. Don't get me wrong, I love them all so much, but I was so reminded of how much she has and how little I have. Yeah...I'm jealous. She married Sam's brother, and although we have been together for 7 years, she managed to obtain everything I have ever wanted in my whole life in 2 and a half years. And they seem so happy. It would be easier to stomach if their life weren't so perfect. I am happy for them and I can't wait to meet my new nephew, but a part of me aches with envy for the family I may never have.
I think I'm being overly dramatic because I've been away from my hubby for two weeks. I miss him. I also started a bereavement conference for work today that lasts until Saturday. I cried like a baby today as we watched videos about loss and listened to stories from women who had babies that died shortly after birth. I felt like a fool. I have no right to truly grieve. They actually had children to miss, I'm just missing the life I thought I would have. I'm grieving the loss of my ability to bear children, to be a mother. It still hurts but I'm quite sure having a taste of motherhood and then having it taken away is far worse. I'm not sure I'll ever get to that point, it's the ambivalence of the whole situation that is literally killing me.

Pushing it out of my mind.

I know I've been a little absent lately, and for that I do apologize. I haven't even been reading or commenting that much anymore. I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and push the sadness out of my mind. Yeah, I'm still sad. I still think about my infertility everyday. I still hate that we are so far away from any form of testing or treatment. I soothe myself with a daily mantra that "it just isn't our turn yet". I like to think that someone upstairs has things he still wants us to do, to strengthen our marriage, to have fun before the responsibilities hit, and to really be prepared and thankful when we finally have a miracle of our own. I've been peeing on things again, and I personally think that is what always makes me the most sad. I hope and hope and hope for that second line, and it has never appeared. That one lonely line leaves an unmistakable pit in my stomach. I can't hide from it, I can't push it out of my mind and I definitely can forget about it. I always think while I'm waiting for the line to appear "why not me this time? I could be pregnant right?" It just sets me up for misery.
I ovulated two weekends ago (I think). I ran out of ovulation test kits and I received my new shipment after I had already ovulated. I had the breast tenderness and the EWCM on saturday. But my EWCM only lasted about 2 hours and I was at work so that pretty much screwed me from the get go. I also went to my crazy infertile place and listened to one of the nurses at work about this "rinse " that you squirt up your vagina (don't make me write the actual word :). It's a "rinse" made out of baking soda and water and it makes your vagina less acidic. So I frickin tried it. Am I crazy? I also used the instead cup that night to keep the sperm up there. I feel so foolish.
Not to mention the hubby hasn't been interested in sex since our marathon almost 2 weeks ago. So needless to say it's been awhile, and now it's going to be a while longer because he broke his collarbone playing flag football on Monday night and can't even put on a shirt, let alone hit the sheets with me. And I leave for 17 days of navy training in the states on Saturday. Now that is a true dry spell, wouldn't you say?
Speaking of my training, I am heading to Bethesda, MD on Saturday for one week, then 4 days of leave in RI with my sister in law and brother in law and their little girl, and then to Birmingham AL for a bereavement conference. I'm not excited about my patient safety conference in Bethesda but I am excited about the location. I'm heading to the Smithsonian on Sunday, all by myself. I can't wait to check it out for the first time as an adult. The last time I was there I was 6 years old and all I cared about was seeing the ruby slippers :) I also am going to go shopping for Christmas presents and just to look around American stores and see what I've been missing. Don't get me wrong the Italians have plenty of beautiful things to sell, but everything is so expensive and they are a little stuck in the 80's with the fashion, at least here in Sicily :)
I have mixed feelings about seeing my sister in law/BFF. She is 37 weeks pregnant and has a beautiful one year old that I adore. But it just kills me that she got pregnant so easily and mistakenly with her little ones. When she had addy she had only known sam's brother for one and a half months and had only seen him 3 times. It just burns me a little and I feel like I can't talk to her about my infertility. I need to be able to talk about it with my best friend.
My conference in AL is going to be wonderful and sad at the same time. It's dealing with how to comfort families that have lost a baby in utero, like stillbirths, miscarriages, or infants that are incompatible with life. I have cared for a lot of women going through these situations and I am going to learn how to teach other nurses to support and care for these women.
So that is what is going on with me. Pray for a miracle between now and Saturday when I should get my period. I would love to see that second line this week. Thanks ladies.

Busy Busy!

Hello all! I'm not dead just busy and a bit lazy on the blogging front. I have quite a bit going on right now. I've been getting ready to start my new job next month by cross training and making arrangements for the conference I'm attending in November in the states. I also had a test and a project due for my Nursing Theory class, my husbands birthday yesterday and my birthday today. And throw in a week of getting it on last week because the girl who doesn't ovulate, ovulated last week. ON MY OWN! There might be something to the my theory that night shift screwed up my cycles. I am by no means consistent with my cycles but at least they are closer together. I had a little trouble this week telling when I ovulated. I started having breast tenderness and EWCM last week Tuesday, but I had run out of ovulation tests and didn't get my shipment until Thursday. I never got a positive but we still tried and I think we did okay spreading the loving throughout the week. I tried my new Instead Soft Cups. It was weird but hopefully it did the trick.
I'm a kind of stressed out between school, my new job, and my upcoming weigh in this Friday. I've been exercising so much lately and am up to running 3 miles at a time, but I haven't lost any weight and I am about 4# above the limit for my height. Every 6 months we have this weigh in a physical test, and every six months I get all worried about it. I always pass when they tape measure me, but I hate worrying about it.
That's all for now. I've still been reading and thinking about all of you that I follow.

Another uneventful week

I'm still alive. I just have been lazy and haven't had much to report. I'm still waiting to see if I ovulate on my own. Today is day 16 and no signs yet. I have a feeling this is going to be a long month. I've been heavily procrastinating for school lately. I just can't seem to find my motivation. I don't know how to get myself going these days. I haven't seen my therapist this week and I don't think I'll make anymore appts. The last couple of times I felt like we were just rehashing things we had already talked about and it wasn't feeling very helpful anymore. I haven't fully decided yet so we shall see.
Things at home are good. Sam and I have been spending good amounts of time together just having fun. I'm feeling pretty good overall and it's helping with all of the relationships in my life. When I'm frustrated and depressed I shut down and shut everyone out. It just isn't healthy for me to be like that. Awww.....I'm growing!
Don't get me wrong, I still have my sad moments. I saw a friend's maternity pictures on Fac.ebook last night and felt a little teary afterward. They looked so perfect in their pictures with their beautiful little girl and her handsome husband and her beautiful bump. But I know that their marriage is in trouble and that her husband has said he doesn't want to be a dad anymore. No one is perfect and having a baby doesn't make everything better, it usually makes everything harder. When I remind myself of this, I tend to think that it's God's way of giving Sam and I the time we need together until we are truly ready to be parents. I would never want to ruin the good thing I have with Sam. But I also would never want to go through my whole life without experiencing the joy (and probably pain) of parenting.
I am still trying not to have any expectations for the next few cycles. I was talking with an OB at work the other day (occupational hazard I guess) and she was telling me about a new drug, letrosol, for ovulation induction. Supposedly it has less side effects (no hot flashes, thinned lining, or hostile cervical mucus) and she suggested that I try it. Has anyone taken this and been successful? I figure it's worth a try and I may use it in the new year. But for now I'm going to continue to try on my own. It's strange how much I hate thinking about cycling and treatments now. I get so caught up in how unfair it is that it has to be this much work and money to have a child. Uggghhh!

Q&A

Not much going on at our house these days. I'm gonna do this Q&A passed on to me by "Such a good Egg". Thanks Egg!

(1) What is your dream occupation?

I honestly love being a nurse but I always wanted to be an event planner. Weddings, birthdays, 50th anniversaries, and even baby showers (well not these days though). I am very organized and creative with invitations and favors. I loved planning our wedding and I love helping others with theirs. Ahhhh....to dream!

(2) What is the best dish that you can cook?

I pretty much am the worst cook ever. I tend to burn things easily. I can make really good spicy chili that my dad taught me how to make. I also like to bake. I love making cookies and cheesecakes.

(3) Have you ever been mentioned in the newspaper? What for?

I was mentioned in my high school news paper and the channel 4 news in Wisconsin for starting rescue breathing on a girl who had a seizure in my 8th period math class. All that lifeguard training came in handy when her airway occluded during her seizure. I was awfully nervous when it happened, I look back now and I didn't really do much, just opened her airway and put her in the recovery position. Everyone thought I was a hero!

(4) what’s the worst and/or most memorable job you’ve ever had?

I worked for my husband's ex stepdad one summer selling food at Jazz in the Park and other local events. I worked every Thursday thru Sunday from 8am-12pm. I rolled all the sushi, loaded the truck, set up our tent, sold food, tore down the tent, and reloaded the truck. The kicker....I had to wash all the dishes we used at the end of the night after working all day. And all for a shitty $8/hr. Thank god I got my degree!

(5) When you were a teenager, at what age did you envision yourself getting married? How old were you in reality when you got married?

I thought I'd be married by the time I was 25, and have at least one kid by the time I was 30. Sam was 23 and I was 25 when we married. I still think I'm one of the luckiest girls in the world. No kids yet, but I'm always working to change that.

(6) What’s your most hated household chore? What’s your favorite?

I hate taking out the trash. In Sicily they have community dumpsters every few blocks. You have to put that stinky trash in your car and then drive it to the dumpster. I swear to god I've seen rats over there before too! I also hate vacuuming for some strange reason.

I love organizing my closet. Getting rid of stuff, coordinating things by color, collecting all the empty hangers. I LOVE IT!

(7) What’s your earliest memory?

I remember camping with my dad and my aunts and uncles at Turtle lake. I think I was 4 or 5. I got to stay in a tent with my Aunt Ann and she was young at the time so I thought she was so cool. She died when I was 8 so I like to remember that weekend.