All Clear, Now What?

So the HSG wasn't too bad. It hurt like a mother when he threaded the catheter but I didn't even feel the dye going through. Lucky me, I only need two squirts of dye to show that my uterus and both fallopian tubes are all clear, just as my Dr. had suspected. How does this make me feel? Mixed feelings I suppose. Relieved because that I don't have yet another road block to getting pregnant, but also annoyed because there still isn't really a reason that I'm not getting pregnant. It has been mentioned that I may have PCOS, and I probably do, but no official diagnosis. I'm just not ovulating for some reason. And for some reason, I'm responding perfectly to the clomid but just not getting pregnant. Let the frustration ensue. I asked what the next step was and I'm not officially satisfied with my response. Apparently we cannot do IUI's at my hospital because the lab doesn't have sperm washing capabilities. So I would have to go out in town to see the Italian RE. Not so much excited about that. I've had limited experience with the Italian providers just transferring my own patients out in town, and I was not impressed. They seem to be 10 years+ behind the technology and care in the states. And the language barrier alone seems daunting. They send a translator for part of it, but no guarantees. Ughhh!

So my Dr and I decided to try 2 or 3 more cycles of clomid at 100mg for cycle days 5-10 (6 days) since I responded so well on my last cycle. We'll see what happens. I'm just going to wait to get my period on my own. Who knows when that will be?!? If not by the end of July I'll get some provera. I'm ready to enjoy my break though. I need it.

I'm on my 2nd week of being alone in Sicily. Not too bad so far. I worked all weekend and have been staying busy with friends on my days off. I am nervous about seeing my pregnant sister in law and her pregnant bridesmaids. I just don't want to be sad the whole time and wishing my life away. I have it pretty darn good, and I should be enjoying myself not hating myself. I'm going to make an appt with one of the counselors on base, just to talk and get some of these feelings off my chest. Hopefully it will help. Have a great week everyone!

Productive, just not Re-productive!

Another day without my hubs :( I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I spent the day being uber productive. My house is clean, laundry done, my pharm class has been completed, now what? I'll have the next two and a half weeks free from school which will be amazing but ultimately boring. I spent today finishing up a few last minute details for my upcoming trip to the states and I am getting really excited. 14 months is a long time to be away from the conveniences of the good old USA. I booked tickets to Da.ve Matt.hews in WI on the 4th of July. My three best girlfriends will be with me and I'm beyond excited. I also finished the car rental reservations and booked massages for my mom and I as a belated mother's day outing. We have two wedding to attend as well, where I get to drink excessively and dance my ass off, oh yeah and see some family while I'm at it :) I am truly looking forward to forgetting about Sicily and work and being in the military in general.

On the reproductive front...my HSG is scheduled for friday morning. After my procedure I have 10 hours left of my shift at the hospital. I hope it doesn't make me too uncomfortable. I'm nervous. I never thought that my tubes might be blocked but now it's all starting to make sense. What if they are? Maybe that's why everything has been so unsuccessful. Maybe I'll need surgery or maybe IVF will be our only option. Uggghhh! I hate thinking like that but it's all that's running through my head right now. I just want to get this over with and really enjoy my TTC break, while I secretly hope for a surprise natural BFP. I may sound negative a lot of the time but I am an eternal optimist.

All By Myself, Don't Wanna Be All By Myself...Anymore.

So my lovely husband (with whom there has been fighting lately) has left for the states and I spent the weekend alone and off of work. It's a good break for us. I miss him already. I've been thinking about how I get angry at people and immediately write them off. This is one of the many things I wish that I could change about myself. You can't write your spouse off just because your angry. I can't mention divorce every time I get upset. We don't fight often but with the stress of living in an isolated overseas location, the realization that we are infertile, and my inability to not act like a 10 year old we've been having a few issues. I have not been myself since I've been on these medications. I don't blame the medications but I do feel like I've been under so much stress and pressure since I've been on them. Everyone is asking me if I'm pregnant, have I tried this, have I done that, why don't I just do IVF. It's exhausting and it makes me feel like it is my fault we are going through all of this. And I do sort of feel like I am alone in it. My husband says he "just knows it will happen, eventually." It's great that he has such an optimistic outlook, but I don't know that. I actually think the opposite. I just "know it probably won't happen for us". So I've been taking out my frustrations on this poor man, who rarely complains, let's me act like a mental patient, and moved halfway across the world for me. I SUCK! Yeah...he doesn't always know what to say to me or how to comfort me, but he's always been there and he always will be. He definitely deserves to be treated better than he has been. This will be my new project! Here is a picture of my honey and I. Love you Sammy!

So...I spent the weekend alone in the house, with my dog. I did go to the beach with a friend. I slept a lot, worked out a little, did some homework. I cried a little today with a friend of mine who is pregnant. She was asking about my treatments and I broke down a little when she said she didn't want me to hate her. I could never hate her, it just hurts to be around her. I don't want to be an awful person who pushes people away. I feel lucky to have her as a friend and I refuse to let my jealousy of her fertility ruin the good friendship we have. I just have to try hard not let it get in the way.

Annoyed

I am just plain annoyed with everything today. My lovely husband decided yet again to piss me off. I am frustrated with the way I do everything he ever asks or take care of anything he ever needs but...when I am in need of something or something makes me uncomfortable he will not help me. He tries to push me to do it, to make me get over my fears or maybe because he is just lazy sometimes :) I know we'll get over this little tiff, but I do not need this right now.
I got my period on Memorial Day, just like I knew I would. I even took a test on Sunday holding onto my last ounce of hope. But alas no. I knew this was how this month would end, but it still hurts so much. I have to schedule my HSG now and then accept that this is our break month from TTC. We still have to talk with the doctor about what to do next. Injectibles and IUI's? More clomid? Different drugs? IVF? Adoption?
Just writing that I may need IVF gives me chills. It is so expensive and so emotionally hard on the couple. I'm honestly scared of it. I don't judge anyone else who has done it, and I definitely am considering it as an option. But to me I feel like I am messing with science and that it may cause me more heartache in the end. Maybe we just weren't meant to have children. What if my body can't carry a pregnancy and infertility is it's way of keeping me from the heartache of miscarriages? I just don't know if I can play god and then not expect issues. But I so want to have a family and it might be my only chance. Who knows!?! We definitely have a lot of talking to do.
My husband will be leaving on Friday for the States and I'm looking forward to the break. I can work out and eat healthy and watch what I want on TV and have all the snuggle time I need with Satchel, my pup. A little break from each other will do us some good. I head out to the states on the 23rd and I am so excited. Until next time... I leave you with a photo from our trip to the vineyard last weekend. I need more good weekends like this to keep me positive.

Feeling Low...

I feel like shit today. I took a test this morning at 11 days post ovulation. I knew it would be negative but it still completely devastated me. I feel like giving up hope. I am so frickin depressed. I guess I figured the more negative I was about this cycle, the more it would (hopefully) end in a better light. Like if I finally gave up and stopped trying it would finally happen. But now I see what is truly happening...nothing. Nothing is going to happen. My body is flawed, I will never get pregnant on my own. And more likely than not I will never get pregnant. I just feel so low. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.
My husband plays on the hospital softball team with my doctor. Yesterday they had a game and my doctor asked him how I was doing. Sam told him that we wanted to take a break if this cycle didn't work and that I had been pretty sad lately. My doctor actually said that he had been thinking about me and that he tries not to get emotionally involved with his patients but he can't help it with me, probably because we work together and are friends. It felt good to know that he cares, but it doesn't change the situation. I am infertile. I will never get pregnant. And I truly feel like giving up. I will never be a mom. I will never be filled with the joy of a hug or a smile from your child. I will never see my husbands dance with our baby or see him light up when our child walks for the first time. We will have quiet empty birthdays and christmas', we will have no grandchildren or warm family memories. It will be just the two of us growing old alone and probably dying alone. Man this is morbid! I hate feeling like this. It sucks....

Beach Bum

I spent today at the beach...again. I must say my tan is looking mighty fine. Frankly, I'd do anything right about now to postpone thinking about all the negative tests I've taken lately. I'm 10 days post ovulation and all my tests have been without that coveted second line. This month blows! I was so hopeful and now I just feel like a fool. My turn is not coming, and I will be chasing this pipe dream of pregnancy for the rest of my life. My period should be here by sunday and then I can officially start my break from TTC. This break is going to involve training for a marathon and drinking copious amounts of wine. Hopefully these two feats will give me some perspective on my life and what it really means to me. Like I have said before I am lucky in so many ways. How can I let this one failure in my life define who I am or how happy I am? It isn't right. Looks like I'll also be getting that HSG that I have been avoiding for 3 years. Damn!
Looking forward to feeling happy and free from worry again, we'll see when that happens. Have a great weekend. I'll be at work, ughhh!

Murder of a Millionaire...

I spent the weekend in a remote sicilian town at a winery playing one of those murder mystery games. What a blast! I admit I was a skeptic but it was so much fun. And I actually guessed who the murder was-BONUS! We laid by the pool during the day and spent today by the beach. We had an amazing sicilian meal and spent time with some great people. And the wine, oh the wine! Don't judge me please...I did indulge in several glasses of wine. I live in Italy and if I don't ever drink the wine because I'm always trying to have a baby, I know I'll never forgive myself. Of course once I'm pregnant I will no longer partake, but three years have passed and there was a decent amount of drinking going on throughout that time that I would have missed out on (there are also a few hangovers I wish I had missed out on!) I bought 6 bottles of wine and it would be my luck that I wouldn't be able to drink them...because dare I say it hopefully I am currently pregnant. I try and trick myself with things like that, like even if it's another BFN at least I'll have something to look forward to even if it's just wine.
I'm doing okay though this 2ww. It definitely is not going by quickly. I've been having sharp pains in my abdomen on the right side when I stand up. I'm definitely a little crampy, and the nips are not getting any less tender. Who knows though, my mind has played many tricks on me before. I'm trying to be hopeful but again truthfully I have a lot to look forward to and it would be pitiful for me to focus on another failure. I'm heading back to the states for two weeks. I'm going to see my best friends, my mom, I have two wedding to attend, and I can finally eat and shop in a country where I speak the language. Those are all good things to keep me going if I start getting sad. And if by chance I am lucky enough to be pregnant, I can share the news with everyone I love, in person, which means the world to me. I'll just leave it at I am trying to remain hopeful :) Have a good week everyone!