Weird Feelings

So I started this support group for all of my patients that have lost babies.....I know, I'm crazy. But I feel like my supporting them somehow keeps me going. I have something to offer them because I want a child too. I don't dare to think that I know the pain they are going through but I do feel like I want to be there to help them through their grief. The group is VERY small right now. Just the one girl that helped me form it and her friend that went through a very similar experience to hers. I introduced them and they pulled each other out of despair. I was so pleased to hear that one of them was pregnant (she told me about 3 weeks ago). She has no living children and lost her first at 17 weeks. At our first meeting (right before she told me she was pregnant) she basically told me she had given up, had no hope, and was turning her back on god. And then BAM! She's pregnant. The other member found out on Monday during our meeting and showed me her positive pregnancy test. She has 4 children but has also had 4 losses. I am so happy for them both but it makes me truly wonder if sometimes you have to give up or hit rock bottom to get what you wanted or needed. Maybe I'm not there yet?

The second lady also just received this "fertility" rock that her friend used that helped her get pregnant right away. It seems to have worked for her. And call me crazy but I can't wait to get my hands on that rock! I know it is silly but sometimes you just need something to believe in. And when you want something so badly, you'll sometimes try anything to get it. I'm feeling like I'm at that point. They also both went to what we lovingly refer to as "the pen.is bar" about a month and a half ago. It's this fertility bar where everything in the place is in a phallic shape. I have quite a few patients who swear this place is what did it for them. I've been there twice before and nothing ever happened for me but I did walk by it with my brother while he was here. We went in for a few minutes just to look around, and I did ovulate for the first time in 5 months about 4 days later. It just makes me wonder.....

Anyway, I'm heading home to see my hubby in less than a week and in preparation since I ovulated last month and got my first period in 5 months, I took my last few doses of letrozole days 3-6. I didn't even have a full course and I didn't tell the hubby yet that I did it. But hell, I figured it was worth a try. When your only chance to make a baby will be a few sporadic weeks over the next 8 months you might as well go for it, right? It's worth a shot :)

10 years later and it never gets any easier

Wisconsin Dells with my Dad

On October 5th, 2001 I lost my dad. I was a sophomore in college at the Univ. of Minnesota. My dad wasn't perfect, never lived with me, let me down, and was a very sick alcoholic for most of my life. But I loved him anyways. He was a huge part of my life. I always idolized him and wanted to be with him. He was a talented musician. He could play the guitar, drums, harmonica, and had the most beautiful singing voice. He never graduated from high school but he was one of the smartest and most well spoken people I had ever met. I miss him everyday. I cannot believe it's been 10 years since I last saw him. He died in his sleep from complications with pneumonia. He wouldn't go to the hospital so he died alone in his studio apartment. He had very few possessions,never had a bank account, and never cared about money. My dad was a good man and through all the disappointments and heartaches he put me through, I'm still grateful to have had him in my life. After 10 years, he is still the first person I want to call with good news.

I worry that he wouldn't know me now. So much has changed. He has never met my husband. I wasn't in nursing school when he died. I wasn't in the military. I hadn't moved to VA or Italy. I hope that he would be proud. It pains me to think that if I am ever lucky enough to have children that they won't know their grandpa Tony. He would have loved being a grandpa.

I miss you every dad.....

My favorite picture of my parents, when they were happy (and pregnant with me).

Dad laughing at me after a water ride I wanted to go on scared me. What a wuss!

Emotional

So that elusive period I've been waiting for..... yeah, it's here. I was a wreck yesterday, I should have known. I had a well woman exam (some yearly navy fun for us active duty folks) and met with the new OB doctor for my pap, breast exam, yada, yada, yada. She said she read my history and began asking me questions about my infertility. I kept my responses short and tried to avoid. I've been doing such a good job at keeping all my feelings at bay these days, that I didn't realize I was bottling them up. I mean, Sam is gone, I have no treatment options here, its pretty easy to realize that the hope is gone at least until my husband and I are in the same zip code. But all the emotions came rushing back when the Dr told me with tears in her eyes that she tried for a year and a half with here son and that she knows how hard this can be. She was very sweet, but seeing her pain reminded me of my own and I began to tear up too. I was on the verge of losing it all day. Fast forward to a few hours later and a dental appointment revealing 2 fricking cavities. Uggghhh! Talk about a bad day :(

But, I went to bed early and I feel better today. I woke up with my period which means it will be long gone before I see Sam and I will be able to (ahem!) enjoy my two weeks with my husband:) Now I just have to tackle the 10th

anniversary of my father's death (tomorrow) and that looming 30th birthday in two weeks. This is a rough month!

Before Sam left in August we took some great family photos (a couple with a dog is a family, right?) This one always makes me smile.

I miss Sam so much. I just have to make it another 13 days. I can do it, right?

Worst.Blogger.Ever.

I thought I would have a lot more time for blogging after Sam moved away and I became a single person again. I thought I would be bored, and I am, but I'm so boring that I don't have much to blog about! A few great things happened over the last 7 weeks:

• I got to spend an entire week with my half brother
  M. and his longtime girlfriend, T. I have a lovely time and was shocked by how much
  we have in common. For a little back story, M. and I have never lived together and I have only seen him 2x in the last 20 years! Once at our father's funeral and once at my wedding. So spending a whole week together seemed pretty daunting since we barely know each other. But we had a great time. I took them all over Sic.ily and we ended their week at Oktoberfest. I think we bonded and have been talking about taking trips together in the future. The only bummer is that Sam wasn't here to get to know them too :(
• I took my certification exam for Inpatient Obstetrics last weekend. It was really hard! But hopefully I passed. I felt very relieved when it was over, this thing has been looming over my head for a really long time.
• I started my new class and am about 80% sure that I am switching my masters program from women's health nurse practitioner to midwife. I know what you're thinking....and yes I am crazy. I know it will be torture
• for me to do that job if I can't have children of my own. But, I can't help but think that maybe this is my way of being connected to something that I wanted so badly, that I cannot have children of my own but I can help others bring theirs into the world.


• I'm going home to see Sam and my good friend Naomi in mid Oct. When I see him again it will have been 9 weeks that we have been apart. It has not been easy but I've had only one melt down so far. I've been keeping very busy and staying positive. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him in just two short weeks. We are also heading to NYC for a 4 night trip. I've never been so I am very excited. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law will be joining us for part of the trip and I'l get to hang out with my little niece and nephew. I'm really looking forward to it.
• I finished my first quilt FINALLY (the blue and brown one)! I had put it aside to work on that baby quilt for another friend (the pink and green one). It was just the quilting part and binding that needed to be done, so I had been procrastinating. So two quilts done and tons more to go. I am in the process of picking out fabric for a Christmas quilt I want to make. I also have two baby quilts on the back burner for two friends that are pregnant.

• 

• I STILL have not gotten my period. It will be 5 months on Oct 9th. This is ridiculous! I am pretty sure I ovulated two weekends ago, so I'm hoping it'll be here today or tomorrow. I really don't want it to come while I'm home visiting my husband. Wouldn't that be great luck?

I've still been reading although I've found very little people are still in fighting to have their babies. I'm happy to see that so many people have finally become pregnant or are in pursuit of adoption. If anyone has any suggestions of blogs for me to read please send me a comment. I'd love to relate to someone who has unexplained infertility and is struggling with the idea of IVF. Thank you ladies!

I'm Back

I'm back....sorry for the delay. Not sure anyone reads this anyways. Sam left yesterday for Virginia. I'm officially alone (except for the dog, he stayed with me). I'm doing okay. I sported the ugly cry face yesterday for about an hour after he left but I truly think I'll be feeling okay again soon. I have lots of time to do the things I felt guilty for doing when Sam was around. Not because he made me feel guilty just because I wanted to spend time with him. I hope to finish up my travel scrapbook from our time here, finish the quilt I made for us, proceed with my guitar lessons, and start getting serious about exercise. I'm ambitious, but now is the time. I have a certification exam coming up in about a month and Oktoberfest with my brother and his girlfriend in just a few weeks. Before I know it I'll be seeing Sam again. I'm hoping to head home in October to meet him in NYC for my 30th birthday. We shall see. I promise I'll start posting again more often. I've been thinking about infertility a lot lately. I still have not gotten my period, this cycle is well over 100 days. It's downright depressing. At least now I don't have to constantly wonder if I'm pregnant....my husband is an ocean away. Now that really takes out the what if factor :)

Again with the changes!

There is a lot going on....again! Sammy has always hoped that when we return to the states that he would be able to return to his position at the water treatment plant in VA without any difficulty. He loved that job, they loved him, they told him they would love to have him back if we are ever in the area again. But with the economy the way it is, they haven't been able to back up the guarantee and there have been no positions posted for his type of position in over 6 months. I was trying to be a good wife so I decided to offer "If any positions post soon, just go back and try and get one." Granted I am 9 months away from being back in the states at this point. I thought maybe in the fall or the winter he would go back. I can deal with a few months of separation, right? Wouldn't you know the very next day 2 positions posted. Needless to say he applied for both and we are currently waiting to find out what will happen. But I could be what the navy calls a geo-bachelor for the next 9 months. Talk about putting a cramp in our attempts to try to have a baby on our own for the next 9 months :) I can handle it, but I am a little annoyed that I suggested it and that he is so excited to leave me. I know he has missed making his own money and missed the states. But I guess our travels are over, our 3 year Italian honeymoon is over :( Now we wait.
Speaking of waiting....I still have not gotten my period. I'm cycle day 70 at this point. How annoying is that? I even took a cheapo pregnancy test yesterday, negative of course! I think I ovulated about 12 days ago, I timed intercourse, but I should get my period tomorrow. Oh well. At least it's a few month break from stupid tampons and cramps!
How about some positivity? Here are some good things:

• Summer in Si.cily is fantastic. The fruit, the sun, the sea! We've spent EVERY weekend at the beach. I have a pretty awesome tan.
• Granita and brioche- Ice cream for breakfast pretty much. It's an icier form of gelato served with a huge lightly sweet roll. You rip the roll and dip it in the granita. It's to die for!
• Quilting- I started a baby quilt for my friend Shannon. It is so beautiful. I totally wish I could keep it. Quilting keeps me sane, I cannot think of anything else while I'm doing it so it's a great stress reliever and helps me keep my mind off of Sam leaving or my inability to bear a child.
• Being a real nurse - I had two deliveries this week at work. I helped out with a 19 week delivery this week. The lady was torn up and alone and I was there for her. It reminds me that I can really help people in a bad time in their life. It makes it all worth it! I also helped out a co-worker who was delivering. 2 couples at work have requested me as their nurse, it makes me feel LOVED!!! I miss delivering babies and it's so fun to get in there and do what I love, for friends that I love. I have one more delivery this month (Shannon) and I am excited.
• Feeling better- Even with all the deliveries, I'm feeling better. I'm handling other peoples joy with grace and even starting to be really excited for them. I haven't really cried about infertility in awhile. I'm even able to listen to my BFF complain about her morning sickness. She is so sweet, she cried because she was so sick and then she felt bad for complaining about it to me. She is the best, she knows how I'm hurting and she thinks of me. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
  

M.I.A.

Sorry I've been MIA lately.....I probably shouldn't joke about that considering who I work for :) But between all the baby announcements and my impending grad school summer quarter that was about to begin I was ready for my Spanish Med Cruise. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I've never been on a cruise before, and yes we were among the youngest present. We had to change our dinner time from 6pm to 8:30pm because the entire room was filled with cotton heads and geriatrics. The shows were crap and the pool was small. But the food was fantastic, the ports were beautiful, and I slept like a damn baby every single night. We stopped in Palma de Mallora, Barcelona, Ibiza, Malaga, and Gibralter. We did have a problem getting to Palma and getting home due to a missed plane which resulted in $700 worth of new tickets bought in the airport, sleeping in the Barcelona airport, and losing out on one night of our beach front hotel room in Palma. But we made it there and we made it home and we had a truly wonderful vacation. But after all the travel trouble my bank account and my patience are slight sick of traveling. Sam and I decided to focus on saving for the next two months and scrapped our Greece trip. Our next trip will be Oktoberfest with my big brother in mid September. Until then we are saving for our upcoming move back to the states which will require us to buy our first house, two newer cars, and hopefully an IVF cycle :)
I started school again, taking advance pathophysiology this time. It's tough, but its actually fun to learn this kind of stuff. I haven't had a period since the day before mother's day so I'm on like cycle day 50-something. I'm trying hard not to keep track and just give myself the break I need. I have nothing to pee on in the house (pregnancy test or opk) so that helps. I'm just listening to my body, guessing and daydreaming about being home and getting treatments, and enjoying my summer with my hubby.
Unfortunately when I returned home I found out one of my two expecting friends had a miscarriage (not my BFF). She works with me and had told EVERYONE at like 5 weeks that she was pregnant. She was having such a hard time and I am the bereavement counselor so I met with her. They are handling it so well. She said she had a hard time talking about it to me, because she knows our story (kind of) and it was so easy for them to get pregnant, and she thinks it will be easy for them again. I'm sure it will be, but it kind of stung me. But I sucked it up because her grief and her story isn't about me. I love doing my bereavement work because I get to help someone else. It truly makes me feel unselfish and useful.
Have a beautiful week everyone!