Worst.Blogger.Ever.

I thought I would have a lot more time for blogging after Sam moved away and I became a single person again. I thought I would be bored, and I am, but I'm so boring that I don't have much to blog about! A few great things happened over the last 7 weeks:

• I got to spend an entire week with my half brother
  M. and his longtime girlfriend, T. I have a lovely time and was shocked by how much
  we have in common. For a little back story, M. and I have never lived together and I have only seen him 2x in the last 20 years! Once at our father's funeral and once at my wedding. So spending a whole week together seemed pretty daunting since we barely know each other. But we had a great time. I took them all over Sic.ily and we ended their week at Oktoberfest. I think we bonded and have been talking about taking trips together in the future. The only bummer is that Sam wasn't here to get to know them too :(
• I took my certification exam for Inpatient Obstetrics last weekend. It was really hard! But hopefully I passed. I felt very relieved when it was over, this thing has been looming over my head for a really long time.
• I started my new class and am about 80% sure that I am switching my masters program from women's health nurse practitioner to midwife. I know what you're thinking....and yes I am crazy. I know it will be torture
• for me to do that job if I can't have children of my own. But, I can't help but think that maybe this is my way of being connected to something that I wanted so badly, that I cannot have children of my own but I can help others bring theirs into the world.


• I'm going home to see Sam and my good friend Naomi in mid Oct. When I see him again it will have been 9 weeks that we have been apart. It has not been easy but I've had only one melt down so far. I've been keeping very busy and staying positive. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around him in just two short weeks. We are also heading to NYC for a 4 night trip. I've never been so I am very excited. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law will be joining us for part of the trip and I'l get to hang out with my little niece and nephew. I'm really looking forward to it.
• I finished my first quilt FINALLY (the blue and brown one)! I had put it aside to work on that baby quilt for another friend (the pink and green one). It was just the quilting part and binding that needed to be done, so I had been procrastinating. So two quilts done and tons more to go. I am in the process of picking out fabric for a Christmas quilt I want to make. I also have two baby quilts on the back burner for two friends that are pregnant.

• 

• I STILL have not gotten my period. It will be 5 months on Oct 9th. This is ridiculous! I am pretty sure I ovulated two weekends ago, so I'm hoping it'll be here today or tomorrow. I really don't want it to come while I'm home visiting my husband. Wouldn't that be great luck?

I've still been reading although I've found very little people are still in fighting to have their babies. I'm happy to see that so many people have finally become pregnant or are in pursuit of adoption. If anyone has any suggestions of blogs for me to read please send me a comment. I'd love to relate to someone who has unexplained infertility and is struggling with the idea of IVF. Thank you ladies!

I'm Back

I'm back....sorry for the delay. Not sure anyone reads this anyways. Sam left yesterday for Virginia. I'm officially alone (except for the dog, he stayed with me). I'm doing okay. I sported the ugly cry face yesterday for about an hour after he left but I truly think I'll be feeling okay again soon. I have lots of time to do the things I felt guilty for doing when Sam was around. Not because he made me feel guilty just because I wanted to spend time with him. I hope to finish up my travel scrapbook from our time here, finish the quilt I made for us, proceed with my guitar lessons, and start getting serious about exercise. I'm ambitious, but now is the time. I have a certification exam coming up in about a month and Oktoberfest with my brother and his girlfriend in just a few weeks. Before I know it I'll be seeing Sam again. I'm hoping to head home in October to meet him in NYC for my 30th birthday. We shall see. I promise I'll start posting again more often. I've been thinking about infertility a lot lately. I still have not gotten my period, this cycle is well over 100 days. It's downright depressing. At least now I don't have to constantly wonder if I'm pregnant....my husband is an ocean away. Now that really takes out the what if factor :)

Again with the changes!

There is a lot going on....again! Sammy has always hoped that when we return to the states that he would be able to return to his position at the water treatment plant in VA without any difficulty. He loved that job, they loved him, they told him they would love to have him back if we are ever in the area again. But with the economy the way it is, they haven't been able to back up the guarantee and there have been no positions posted for his type of position in over 6 months. I was trying to be a good wife so I decided to offer "If any positions post soon, just go back and try and get one." Granted I am 9 months away from being back in the states at this point. I thought maybe in the fall or the winter he would go back. I can deal with a few months of separation, right? Wouldn't you know the very next day 2 positions posted. Needless to say he applied for both and we are currently waiting to find out what will happen. But I could be what the navy calls a geo-bachelor for the next 9 months. Talk about putting a cramp in our attempts to try to have a baby on our own for the next 9 months :) I can handle it, but I am a little annoyed that I suggested it and that he is so excited to leave me. I know he has missed making his own money and missed the states. But I guess our travels are over, our 3 year Italian honeymoon is over :( Now we wait.
Speaking of waiting....I still have not gotten my period. I'm cycle day 70 at this point. How annoying is that? I even took a cheapo pregnancy test yesterday, negative of course! I think I ovulated about 12 days ago, I timed intercourse, but I should get my period tomorrow. Oh well. At least it's a few month break from stupid tampons and cramps!
How about some positivity? Here are some good things:

• Summer in Si.cily is fantastic. The fruit, the sun, the sea! We've spent EVERY weekend at the beach. I have a pretty awesome tan.
• Granita and brioche- Ice cream for breakfast pretty much. It's an icier form of gelato served with a huge lightly sweet roll. You rip the roll and dip it in the granita. It's to die for!
• Quilting- I started a baby quilt for my friend Shannon. It is so beautiful. I totally wish I could keep it. Quilting keeps me sane, I cannot think of anything else while I'm doing it so it's a great stress reliever and helps me keep my mind off of Sam leaving or my inability to bear a child.
• Being a real nurse - I had two deliveries this week at work. I helped out with a 19 week delivery this week. The lady was torn up and alone and I was there for her. It reminds me that I can really help people in a bad time in their life. It makes it all worth it! I also helped out a co-worker who was delivering. 2 couples at work have requested me as their nurse, it makes me feel LOVED!!! I miss delivering babies and it's so fun to get in there and do what I love, for friends that I love. I have one more delivery this month (Shannon) and I am excited.
• Feeling better- Even with all the deliveries, I'm feeling better. I'm handling other peoples joy with grace and even starting to be really excited for them. I haven't really cried about infertility in awhile. I'm even able to listen to my BFF complain about her morning sickness. She is so sweet, she cried because she was so sick and then she felt bad for complaining about it to me. She is the best, she knows how I'm hurting and she thinks of me. I couldn't ask for a better friend.
  

M.I.A.

Sorry I've been MIA lately.....I probably shouldn't joke about that considering who I work for :) But between all the baby announcements and my impending grad school summer quarter that was about to begin I was ready for my Spanish Med Cruise. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I've never been on a cruise before, and yes we were among the youngest present. We had to change our dinner time from 6pm to 8:30pm because the entire room was filled with cotton heads and geriatrics. The shows were crap and the pool was small. But the food was fantastic, the ports were beautiful, and I slept like a damn baby every single night. We stopped in Palma de Mallora, Barcelona, Ibiza, Malaga, and Gibralter. We did have a problem getting to Palma and getting home due to a missed plane which resulted in $700 worth of new tickets bought in the airport, sleeping in the Barcelona airport, and losing out on one night of our beach front hotel room in Palma. But we made it there and we made it home and we had a truly wonderful vacation. But after all the travel trouble my bank account and my patience are slight sick of traveling. Sam and I decided to focus on saving for the next two months and scrapped our Greece trip. Our next trip will be Oktoberfest with my big brother in mid September. Until then we are saving for our upcoming move back to the states which will require us to buy our first house, two newer cars, and hopefully an IVF cycle :)
I started school again, taking advance pathophysiology this time. It's tough, but its actually fun to learn this kind of stuff. I haven't had a period since the day before mother's day so I'm on like cycle day 50-something. I'm trying hard not to keep track and just give myself the break I need. I have nothing to pee on in the house (pregnancy test or opk) so that helps. I'm just listening to my body, guessing and daydreaming about being home and getting treatments, and enjoying my summer with my hubby.
Unfortunately when I returned home I found out one of my two expecting friends had a miscarriage (not my BFF). She works with me and had told EVERYONE at like 5 weeks that she was pregnant. She was having such a hard time and I am the bereavement counselor so I met with her. They are handling it so well. She said she had a hard time talking about it to me, because she knows our story (kind of) and it was so easy for them to get pregnant, and she thinks it will be easy for them again. I'm sure it will be, but it kind of stung me. But I sucked it up because her grief and her story isn't about me. I love doing my bereavement work because I get to help someone else. It truly makes me feel unselfish and useful.
Have a beautiful week everyone!

Another one bites the dust

I just received a call from my best friend Naomi. A call I new was coming since she took out her IUD in January. She's pregnant and really excited. I am excited for her, but hurting so much for us. Why does it have to feel this way. Can I rewind to 5 years ago, when someone would tell me they were pregnant and all I could do was grin and think about how I was going to spoil the crap out of that brand new baby? How I would spend all my money and time buying things for them, making sure they were comfortable, planning the shower? I miss feeling happy for people who are pregnant, not jealous. It just kills me that they only tried for 4 months and BAM! she's got a bun in the oven. I feel so foolish. I feel so useless. I feel so scared. Who am I to ever think that I would be lucky enough to have a child? Where do I even get off hoping to have a baby with my husband? It happens to others, not to me. I must have done something in my life to deserve this pain. I'm not entitled to having a child, it is a privilage that I will never know. I just can't figure out how to accept this and move on from the jealousy that I feel towards all the women that get pregnant without trying. 4 long years of longing for a family. 4 long years of stress and pain and tears. I have a good life, why is that not enough? I hope this new pregnancy will not make me lost my best friend. I can't stand any more grief.

Life is not fair

I'm struck by how often this is true....life is not fair. There have been a lot of people with failed IVF cycles lately and it is freaking me out. I just wonder if I'll even be able to take the gamble that is IVF. All that money, and expectations, and injections, and hope only to be crushed by disappointment. I honestly don't know if I can handle that. People don't realize how lucky they are to have a baby the old fashioned way. I find myself getting more and more jealous. I'm sick of people just saying "Oh just go get IVF!" Are they going to be there for me when I struggle with my own morality because I'm messing with the fact that God hasn't blessed me with children? Are they going to loan me the $10,000 to try IVF just once? Are they going to comfort me when the whole thing turns out as a bust? No....its just some far away from them solution to offer, because they can't deal with the reality of our life. I'm over it! I'm done talking about infertility with people who don't get it.
I'm done with my rant! I've been holding things together pretty well. I've been working out and cooking up a storm. I found an awesome food blog about mealplanning....something I've always wanted to try. http://themealplanner.blogspot.com/ You should check this out. I made Thai meatballs with peanut butter sauce, meatball subs, and baked potato soup this week. Everything was amazing! I usually don't cook because I have a tendency to burn things, but this week I surprised myself and it was fun.
I hope everyone has a great week!

Quiet and quite boring

I've noticed it has become quite quiet and boring around here lately. Both myself and the boards seem to have come to a screeching halt. Where is everyone? I've been in homework hell for the last week. My Health Policy class is done (thank you GOD!!) and I'm now bored. It's funny how when you have all this stuff to do, all you do is stress and wish it was over. Now that it is over....I'm sitting here bored and wondering what is next??? I'm heading to Naples Italy tonight for an overnighter for a training I have in the morning. I wish I had more time because then I could explore :( But I'll be back tomorrow evening by dinner time. Here are some boring things going on with me:

• Spanish cruise coming up with a friend of mine, we're doing Royal Carribean International and stopping in Palma de Mallorca, Barcelona, Ibiza, Gilbralter, and Majorca. I've never been on a cruise before and 9 days is a long time to spend with someone you're not that close with....but I'm still pretty excited.
  
• I'm jealous because meanwhile my husband will be seeing Incubus (our favorite band) at the Hurrican Festival in Germany....I'm slightly bummed about this one!
• I start pathophysiology class on June 20th, my 2nd day cruising...that ought to be interesting:)
• Sam and I are in midst of designing some corresponding tattoos consisting of Incubus lyrics. It's something we've always talked about so why not now?
• I'm spotting off and on and trying to ignore it. I have no idea if and when I ovulated, but the spotting is making me crazy. I forgot how when you're not trying to get pregnant and you have irregular cycles that you constantly wonder if you're pregnant. I'm sure I'm not, so I choose to ignore.
• I found out another couple is pregnant from work. They are fantastic, but it still stings. I'm having trouble being myself around them, I know it will subside eventually but it's so hard to be happy for someone when they achieve what you've been trying to achieve for years without going through even half of what we've been going through.
• Next month marks 4 years of trying to have a baby. 4 YEARS!!! Seems like an eternity. I wonder how many more years of this shit I can take. Ugggghhh!
  

So that's been it lately. Hope everyone else is hanging in there. I've been saying some prayers for a few people. I'm hoping to hear some good news for someone soon, I need some of my hope restored in humanity.