Spending Time with my Momma

Sorry I have been a little MIA lately.....I'm hanging out with my momma! I have been very lucky this month to have 4 weeks with the little spunky lady that raised me. She came out to spend Christmas and New Years with me for a well deserved post-retirement extravaganza. And oh man....have we been having fun! We haven't seen each other in a year and a half. And we definitely haven't spent 4 weeks together in the last 10 years, so this has been a real treat for me. Since Sam left, I've been a little lonely and trying to keep busy. This spry 60 year old can't be kept down. My house has been clean, dinner is made, and my dog has never been happier. We don't even have to do anything, but it made me realize how great it is to have someone here when you come home, especially your mom.

We had a beautiful Christmas and a lovely trip to Positano over New Years. Unfortunately, my car broke down on the way home due to some bad gunky shady gas that I got in Salerno. It wouldn't run at all and after waiting for 4 hours to see if an Italian guy could fix it, they admitted that they didn't know what the problem was and needed help from a family friend. So we left it there rented a car and headed back to Sici.ly. Problem #1 I don't drive stick and that was all the rental place had!!! So my mom stepped up to the plate and drove most of the way home. She also taught me on the way home so that I could drive to work the next day. I learned stick in 2 days, your mother and shear terror of crashing are some good teachers let me tell you :) So I finally can drive stick (scratched that off the old bucket list). Problem #2 6.5 hour drive, with a ferry ride to get back home. This means that yesterday we had to do a 13 hour drive with TWO ferry rides to bring the rental back and pick up my fixed car. Uggghhh. Longest day ever! We almost missed the rental car place being open (Italians close everything for the weekend at 1pm on Saturday, yet another reason I can't wait to get back to the good old usa!). We drop off our rental, pick up our car, start driving back and now the radio doesn't work! WTF! Which is fine, I mean at least the car is running. We drove back the last 6.5 hours just laughing and talking. I couldn't have had a better travel buddy. I love my mom for putting up with all this craziness for me. We have one more week together and I'm going to cherish every second.

I also only have 19 days until I see my husband again. Hurray! I finish my BCP on the 18th and start my letrozole on the 23. I'm so excited to be moving forward with this IUI. Also if everything goes well (which it never does) we should be closing on our house on Feb. 2nd. We have a lot of work to do, but I cannot wait to see it. We shall see. I hope to catch up on more stuff soon. Sorry for the delay!

Prague/Vienna/Berlin

So a little recap on my lovely trip to eastern europe:

• Prague has totally stolen the spot that Paris once held - the most beautiful city I have ever visited. I fell in LOVE with the architecture, the skyline, the christmas markets, the people, the beer, and the international food. I enjoyed every second in prague and did some serious christmas shopping while there.
• Indian food on Thanksgiving day was an interesting treat. Sad to say it was my first time ever having it and I think I am in love! We also had Thai food, latin food, and austrian food, all of which you cannot get in Sicily.
• Vienna as beautiful, but a little modern and industrial for my liking. It was cold as balls there too, and that made it harder to love. They did have beautiful christmas markets though and I spent some serious dough there too.
• The incubus concert that the entire trip was planned around (in Vienna) was cancelled on the day of. Of course....I didn't know this, so we showed up pumped for a good show, and there was tiny 8x11 piece of paper on the door saying it was cancelled, due to laryngitis. I was upset, but we tried not to let it ruin our trip.
• I hit three countries in 6 days with one of the best travel buddies ever. My friend Sara and I laughed through the entire trip. It was so much fun!

I got some good news....finally!

There has been a little flurry of activity in the old trying to have a baby department today. I planned out my very first IUI and got a prescription for birth control pills and letrozole. As it stands I'll be home on house hunting leave visiting my hubby Jan 27-Feb5th. Besides picking out our first house we will also be doing an IUI. I remain unconvinced that this will work, but my hubs thinks we should give it a couple tries before we move to IVF. It feels pretty amazing to get off the bench and out of this standstill we've been in since May. I'm so excited to try something new and get a glimmer of hope back. This brings us one step closer to having a family one way or another and it's just another check in the box on this crazy long journey.

I had a lovely thanksgiving in Vienna, Prague, and Berlin. A great friend of mine and I had a whirlwind trip of 3 countries in 6 days but it was one of the best trips I've ever been on. I haven't laughed that hard in years, she is one funny gal. Prague was my favorite, so unique and so beautiful. I'll post pictures soon.

A rough week.

This week has sucked! I'm so happy it ended on a good note though. It began with an accidental pregnancy announcement, which I guessed was the person's secret....jokingly. Kind of like:

Her: " I have to tell our boss a little secret?"

Me: "Let me guess, you're pregnant? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" (I laughed like an idiot because she's young, not married, and has known her strange Italian boyfriend for like 2 months).

Her: "Shhhh! Don't tell anyone, I'm only 7 and a half weeks."

I wanted to die. I wanted god to strike me with lightening and melt me to the floor. I was embarrassed that I laughed and then I was just plain angry. I pulled myself together congratulated her and went on with my day. By the time I went home, I was in tears. I just keep thinking why does this happen for everyone but me. I feel like I've done something in this life or a past life to deserve this. This type of punishment doesn't just happen, it's earned. And I am suffering. I feel so much like I let everyone down. Myself, Sam, my mom, his parents. And I'm sick of feeling sorry for myself, but I do. I ask myself why me? over and over again all day everyday. Why is this happening to me? I hope to figure out the answer to that question some day.

On a good note, I found out that I was finally able to switch my MSN major to midwifery. It's been a decision I was struggling with and I finally decided to bite the bullet and do it. I got my acceptance letter yesterday. It's a huge deal for me. I may not be able to have babies of my own, but I will be able to help other women bring their babies into the world. I leave for Prague and Vienna on Tuesday. I cannot wait! 4 months until I leave sicily :) I'm beyond ready to go.

This hurts.

So I have my period....no miracle pregnancy for Sam and I (are you really surprised though?). I'm highly emotional because of this stupid period, not to mention having left my husband last week for an undetermined amount of months and being alone in foreign country, so I may be a bit sensitive. My sister in law (also one of my best friends) posted the most annoying thing on face.book today. I know it isn't about me but it just really irked me. And I quote " Last year at this time I was getting ready to give birth to C....All I want for Christmas this year is another 6 week vacation without the whole pregnancy, labor, and screaming newborn thing." Now, mind you, this is her second child, her second child that she had to get out of being deployed. She got pregnant the second she took her IUD out and she successfully avoided her deployment. It isn't fair. I know life is not fair but come on! I would literally give my left arm to have a pregnancy, or a labor, or a screaming newborn. I would give anything to make my husband a father. It is something we fear we may never experience. It just hurts so much to hear other people taking it for granted.

I'm so down. I'm alone, I'm scared, I'm worried. I just feel so hopeless about ever having a family. I just wonder why this has to be so hard for us. There has to be a reason. I'm not mad at my friend but it makes me realize that she doesn't get it. She'll never get it. I'm pretty much alone in this fight.

Back to just me

I'm back in Italy trying to finish up the last 5 month stretch. I had a rough week transition. I wasn't jet lagged. I wasn't tired. I wasn't trying to catch up. I was depressed. I still kind of am. It was so hard leaving Sam again. I didn't sleep in our bed for awhile because it was just too sad for me to be in there alone after spending 13 nights together again. I almost wish I hadn't gone home because I the pain of being apart again is much worse now than it was when he first left. All this time apart has taught me two important things 1) I am never doing this again (unless it is for a deployment) and 2) He means so much more to me than I ever thought. You don't realize how much you want or need someone in your life until they are taken away from you. I just want to be with him, he doesn't have to talk or even look at me.....I just want to sit next to him and hold his hand for another 10 minutes :(

I'm starting to feel a little better today. I finally slept well the last two nights and am getting out and doing stuff with other people again. I don't want to turn into a depressed hermit! I have to keep busy. And although I was hopeful on some level that I would be pregnant after our little visit, I started spotting today which means my period will be here again soon. I thought I had the right to be hopeful between the fertility rock, the letrozole, all the sex we had, and the poor timing it would be if I actually did get pregnant (since Sam wouldn't be around for most of it). But alas no....I have to stop even thinking that we could ever get pregnant on our own. These little shreds of hope send me into despair when I get my stupid period. I can't do anything. I feel so stuck in this childless abyss. Everyone continues to get pregnant, and then get pregnant again, and have beautiful talented children and I'm just stuck. Sigh.....

Home Sweet Home

I'm home. I'm 30. I'm happy. I have my fertility "rock" in my pocket. I've eaten out in American restaurants for every meal since I arrived. I'm in heaven.
I had such a long flight on Tuesday but it was so great to see my husband coming up the escalator with my suitcase at the airport. It's been 9 weeks since we last saw each other and it was a little strange. I had been building up this visit since he left and when we saw each other it was not as I had expected. We slowly fell back into our comfortable love and I'm so thankful that we are still us. I missed having someone to cuddle with, kiss, talk to, and take care of. Being alone is for the birds!
My 30th was extremely low key, which was fine with me. I got to see my best friend Naomi and her beautiful 23 week belly. It was a little hard, but honestly I'm so happy for her it's hard to feel anything but excitement for her and her husband. Sam and I spent yesterday buying a new mattress, scouting neighborhoods for our future house, and getting a new driver's license. Overall a really great day. I don't feel 30. I guess that's all that matters, right?