Do you ever wonder?

Do you ever wonder why infertility has interrupted your life, changed your plans, stolen your happiness? I do. I wonder why so many of my fellow bloggers are plagued with the burden of being infertile. I wonder why everyone has a friend (or 7 ) that has tried and tried for years. I wonder if plastic bottles, or poor diet, or the technology of infertility has morphed us seemingly normal healthy people into sad sacks of human beings incapable of producing or carrying life. I wonder if I hadn't been on birth control for 10 years if this would be happening to me? I wonder if my mother had used glass bottles when I was a baby instead of plastic ones would this be happening to me? I wonder if I only at organic and was able to lose these nagging 25 pounds of weight gain would I finally be able to conceive? And then I feel guilty because I wonder if I didn't worry and stress about it so much than maybe it could happen. Or maybe I'm not really doing everything that I could to make it happen. Maybe I shouldn't have had that glass of wine during my 2WW, or run during my 2WW, or maybe I should have stayed laying down for 30 minutes after we get it on.
I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of wishing my life away. I'm sick of deluding myself into thinking that people with kids are happier and better people than myself. I want to be a mom. I have an ache in my chest to have a little one of my own, to feel like a real family that I never had a chance to be a part of. But when I am truly honest, I know I won't be a different happier person when I do have a family. People with kids don't have better marriages or better memories. They just have different ones. Ones that I want to have in addition to the life I have now. I have things that those families want too! I sleep in every day that I have off, I've traveled all over Europe, I have money to spend on things that I want, and I have time to devote to what I like. Neither lifestyle is perfect. Childless or parent...both have challenges. I have appreciated my childless life, I took advantage, I lived it up! But now I'm so ready for the next step.
Tomorrow I start clomid cycle #6. This is really only cycle #4 because the 1st two cycles I didn't respond, but the last three I did. I don't know what to do differently this cycle. Any suggestions? I feel like I tried to "do it" every day, every other day and I'm not sure which is better. My Dr says everyday is fine with Sam's count. I just feel like I'm missing my window every time. Either that or my CM is hostile or something! I'm not looking forward to the hot flashes in the 100 degree weather we've been having. But what can I do?

This sucks!

So I knew it was a long shot, and the 4 times I POAS this week should have got me ready for it. But I still had tears in my eyes when I got my period this morning. I just was so hoping it would be my turn. But alas, not my turn....again. I'm trying to look forward but it is so hard to be continually stuck in the same childless position. I loathe fa.cebook and the complaining posts of all my friends regarding their children and pregnancies. It's literally painful!
I spoke with my Dr today and looks like our only choice is more clomid at this point. He thinks because I was responding "so well" that it is our best option. I am stuck with this because we are in Italy and our hospital is so small. Any IUI's, injectible cycles, or IVF will be out of pocket and out in town. Our only bonus is that IVF is cheaper here with the same success rates, only about $7000! But still, the fact that I would have to pay for my own child, it just doesn't sit well with me. Who knows where we'll be a year from now?
I'm going to keep myself busy with school, a certification test I have to take coming up, and planning our next European adventure. I'm thinking Spain :) We also have an old school party to go to tomorrow night. I have a huge afro to wear and a hideous 70's dress. I'm hoping it will keep my mind off things.

I am weak....

My new sister in law (and BFF) and her daughter Addison.

I know I've been missing...it's because I'm ashamed. Ashamed that on my break month I peed on three ovulation test sticks (one of which was positive :), noticed when I had EWCM, and timed intercourse. What kind of a break month is that????? I am proud of myself that I ovulated on my own though :)
I've also been missing because I was home in the States for the last 15 days, you know the good old USA (also known as heaven when you've lived in a foreign country). I had so much fun and I so didn't want to come back. While I was home I attended two weddings, took care of my mom, saw all 5 of my little nieces or nephews, drank with my girlfriends, ate what I wanted, and felt happy for the first time in so long. Just being with people that I know and love meant the world to me and made me feel so much like the old me, the good me. Sam and I got to spend some time together and we are doing well. I survived the wedding with the three pregnant bellies and I handled myself with dignity and confidence as everyone of my relatives asked me when we were going to have a baby and responded "I know it will happen for you", when I gave them the down and dirty on our infertility. It was so hard but I took the beatings and kept on going. My mother in law was the worst, and I know she didn't mean to be. But....she said that it just must not be our time, things will happen when they are supposed to. Then why do people get pregnant from a one night stand? Is that their time to have a baby? I don't buy it.

The best part of being home was seeing my nephew Evan and my new little niece Addy. Evan had a traumatic brain injury in September last year and has been living without half of his skull for the last 3 months due to an infection. I was so happy to see he is the same happy, rambunctious, and fun little boy he used to be, just with a helmet on! And Addy has so much personality and character. She took to me right away and that sweet little girl melted my heart. While her parents danced their first dance at their wedding they gave Addy to me. I danced and sang to her with tears in my eyes and she fell right asleep. Being with her made me even more passionate about being a mother. I don't know exactly where we are headed next but the end result will be a family for Sam and I.Sam and his brother (the groom) Darien.

Sam and his beautiful sister Gabrielle.

Me and my Addy!

With my twin nieces Payton and Taylor!

My mom and Evan.

All Clear, Now What?

So the HSG wasn't too bad. It hurt like a mother when he threaded the catheter but I didn't even feel the dye going through. Lucky me, I only need two squirts of dye to show that my uterus and both fallopian tubes are all clear, just as my Dr. had suspected. How does this make me feel? Mixed feelings I suppose. Relieved because that I don't have yet another road block to getting pregnant, but also annoyed because there still isn't really a reason that I'm not getting pregnant. It has been mentioned that I may have PCOS, and I probably do, but no official diagnosis. I'm just not ovulating for some reason. And for some reason, I'm responding perfectly to the clomid but just not getting pregnant. Let the frustration ensue. I asked what the next step was and I'm not officially satisfied with my response. Apparently we cannot do IUI's at my hospital because the lab doesn't have sperm washing capabilities. So I would have to go out in town to see the Italian RE. Not so much excited about that. I've had limited experience with the Italian providers just transferring my own patients out in town, and I was not impressed. They seem to be 10 years+ behind the technology and care in the states. And the language barrier alone seems daunting. They send a translator for part of it, but no guarantees. Ughhh!

So my Dr and I decided to try 2 or 3 more cycles of clomid at 100mg for cycle days 5-10 (6 days) since I responded so well on my last cycle. We'll see what happens. I'm just going to wait to get my period on my own. Who knows when that will be?!? If not by the end of July I'll get some provera. I'm ready to enjoy my break though. I need it.

I'm on my 2nd week of being alone in Sicily. Not too bad so far. I worked all weekend and have been staying busy with friends on my days off. I am nervous about seeing my pregnant sister in law and her pregnant bridesmaids. I just don't want to be sad the whole time and wishing my life away. I have it pretty darn good, and I should be enjoying myself not hating myself. I'm going to make an appt with one of the counselors on base, just to talk and get some of these feelings off my chest. Hopefully it will help. Have a great week everyone!

Productive, just not Re-productive!

Another day without my hubs :( I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I spent the day being uber productive. My house is clean, laundry done, my pharm class has been completed, now what? I'll have the next two and a half weeks free from school which will be amazing but ultimately boring. I spent today finishing up a few last minute details for my upcoming trip to the states and I am getting really excited. 14 months is a long time to be away from the conveniences of the good old USA. I booked tickets to Da.ve Matt.hews in WI on the 4th of July. My three best girlfriends will be with me and I'm beyond excited. I also finished the car rental reservations and booked massages for my mom and I as a belated mother's day outing. We have two wedding to attend as well, where I get to drink excessively and dance my ass off, oh yeah and see some family while I'm at it :) I am truly looking forward to forgetting about Sicily and work and being in the military in general.

On the reproductive front...my HSG is scheduled for friday morning. After my procedure I have 10 hours left of my shift at the hospital. I hope it doesn't make me too uncomfortable. I'm nervous. I never thought that my tubes might be blocked but now it's all starting to make sense. What if they are? Maybe that's why everything has been so unsuccessful. Maybe I'll need surgery or maybe IVF will be our only option. Uggghhh! I hate thinking like that but it's all that's running through my head right now. I just want to get this over with and really enjoy my TTC break, while I secretly hope for a surprise natural BFP. I may sound negative a lot of the time but I am an eternal optimist.

All By Myself, Don't Wanna Be All By Myself...Anymore.

So my lovely husband (with whom there has been fighting lately) has left for the states and I spent the weekend alone and off of work. It's a good break for us. I miss him already. I've been thinking about how I get angry at people and immediately write them off. This is one of the many things I wish that I could change about myself. You can't write your spouse off just because your angry. I can't mention divorce every time I get upset. We don't fight often but with the stress of living in an isolated overseas location, the realization that we are infertile, and my inability to not act like a 10 year old we've been having a few issues. I have not been myself since I've been on these medications. I don't blame the medications but I do feel like I've been under so much stress and pressure since I've been on them. Everyone is asking me if I'm pregnant, have I tried this, have I done that, why don't I just do IVF. It's exhausting and it makes me feel like it is my fault we are going through all of this. And I do sort of feel like I am alone in it. My husband says he "just knows it will happen, eventually." It's great that he has such an optimistic outlook, but I don't know that. I actually think the opposite. I just "know it probably won't happen for us". So I've been taking out my frustrations on this poor man, who rarely complains, let's me act like a mental patient, and moved halfway across the world for me. I SUCK! Yeah...he doesn't always know what to say to me or how to comfort me, but he's always been there and he always will be. He definitely deserves to be treated better than he has been. This will be my new project! Here is a picture of my honey and I. Love you Sammy!

So...I spent the weekend alone in the house, with my dog. I did go to the beach with a friend. I slept a lot, worked out a little, did some homework. I cried a little today with a friend of mine who is pregnant. She was asking about my treatments and I broke down a little when she said she didn't want me to hate her. I could never hate her, it just hurts to be around her. I don't want to be an awful person who pushes people away. I feel lucky to have her as a friend and I refuse to let my jealousy of her fertility ruin the good friendship we have. I just have to try hard not let it get in the way.

Annoyed

I am just plain annoyed with everything today. My lovely husband decided yet again to piss me off. I am frustrated with the way I do everything he ever asks or take care of anything he ever needs but...when I am in need of something or something makes me uncomfortable he will not help me. He tries to push me to do it, to make me get over my fears or maybe because he is just lazy sometimes :) I know we'll get over this little tiff, but I do not need this right now.
I got my period on Memorial Day, just like I knew I would. I even took a test on Sunday holding onto my last ounce of hope. But alas no. I knew this was how this month would end, but it still hurts so much. I have to schedule my HSG now and then accept that this is our break month from TTC. We still have to talk with the doctor about what to do next. Injectibles and IUI's? More clomid? Different drugs? IVF? Adoption?
Just writing that I may need IVF gives me chills. It is so expensive and so emotionally hard on the couple. I'm honestly scared of it. I don't judge anyone else who has done it, and I definitely am considering it as an option. But to me I feel like I am messing with science and that it may cause me more heartache in the end. Maybe we just weren't meant to have children. What if my body can't carry a pregnancy and infertility is it's way of keeping me from the heartache of miscarriages? I just don't know if I can play god and then not expect issues. But I so want to have a family and it might be my only chance. Who knows!?! We definitely have a lot of talking to do.
My husband will be leaving on Friday for the States and I'm looking forward to the break. I can work out and eat healthy and watch what I want on TV and have all the snuggle time I need with Satchel, my pup. A little break from each other will do us some good. I head out to the states on the 23rd and I am so excited. Until next time... I leave you with a photo from our trip to the vineyard last weekend. I need more good weekends like this to keep me positive.